A Change of Clothes
by gethsemane342
Summary: In the days after the Thaw, the only thing about herself that Elsa is sure of is that she doesn't want to be the person she was before it. Thus follows a story of soup, disguises and walking naked.
1. A) Threads

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Frozen_**

 **Rating:** for mild swearing and some innuendo.

 **A/n:** this was originally a oneshot. At least, my original idea was a oneshot. Unlike all my previous "was a oneshot but ended up chaptered" stories, this isn't a oneshot because I realised the story was going to be long - it's a oneshot because I went on a tangent and ended up writing an almost completely different (and much lengthier) story to the one I originally intended to write: I first realised I'd gone too far to revert to my original idea when I hit 24,000 words and wasn't anywhere near done with my tangent (by way of context - in the original story, Elsa was going to be well into her seventies by the end. She gets nowhere near that in this). However, I retained a few things from my original idea, including the numbering. Yes, there is a theme to the numbering and yes, the order in this chapter is correct - there is no "4". The numbering - and the original story (and also, logically, the story I actually wrote) - were both inspired by _Shadowfax321_ who said I should write a feelgood story for Elsa. This being said, the tangent is not as cheery as the original idea was. Anyhow, enough about that - I hope you enjoy this chapter and, if you are so inclined, the remaining chapters when they are published. Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!

A Change of Clothes

 _ **A) Threads**_

1) Night

The bell tower sounds the third hour. Anna yawns and stretches.

"Is it really three o'clock?" She yawns again. "Maybe I should go to bed."

She looks reluctant though. Elsa opens her mouth to tell her to stay but a yawn escapes her too. Anna giggles; Elsa tries to imprint the sound into her memory. She'd forgotten how much she missed Anna's giggle.

"Looks like you need your beauty sleep too."

Elsa smiles ruefully (and even that feels a little odd). "I do. I have a meeting at eight with Isleiv. I've barely looked at the papers."

"You should have said! I wouldn't have kept you up if I'd known."

Anna looks stricken. Elsa tries to smile to show that it's OK. "You didn't keep me up," she says. "I _wanted_ to talk to you."

Pink tinges Anna's cheeks. "I wanted to talk too. I missed it, you know. Like when we were little and we'd talk about _anything_ for hours."

"And then Mother or Father would bang on the door and tell us to sleep," Elsa adds, smiling at the memory. "So we'd whisper instead."

Anna laughs. "Yeah. All the teachers and servants would ask why we were so tired the next day so you'd start talking really loudly so everyone would think you were more awake, until Father asked you to stop." As Elsa laughs, she says, "What happened, Elsa? How'd it all … change?"

It's only the second night after … everything. They've spent their days chatting about very little because it's such a big topic – but they've followed each other around constantly, each of them reluctant to let the other out of her sight. Last night, Elsa even stayed in the same room as Anna, pretending to sleep, because Anna was scared Elsa would run away again, and Elsa wanted to reassure herself that Anna was Anna and not ice.

"Elsa?"

Her instinct – and it has to be instinct because she _shouldn't_ feel this way now – is to avoid the question. But she can't. She can't now. She _promised_ Anna. But how does she describe everything that happened? Where does she even start?

As she opens and closes her mouth, Anna raises a hand.

"Don't worry," she says, smiling. "It's a long story, isn't it? Let's get some sleep and you can tell me tomorrow instead."

Elsa smiles gratefully and nods. She stands up and walks to the door of Anna's bedroom. "Goodnight, Anna."

"Night, Elsa." With no hesitation whatsoever, she hugs Elsa, her cheek pressing briefly into Elsa's shoulder, and then lets go. "Love you."

Elsa can feel the spot on her shoulder tingle as she says, "Love you too."

2) Tomorrow

They don't get through the whole story, or even through a quarter of it because Anna goes on tangents that may be instinctively calculated while Elsa simply evades questions: she suspects these might be habits that are too deeply ingrained in them. But they get somewhere and that helps.

As they hug goodnight, Anna says, "How's the rest of it going?"

Elsa thinks of everything she doesn't know. Before the ice thawed, her only real plans for her reign were to keep the kingdom afloat without anyone learning what she was. But now that she's nearly killed the entire country, she feels she ought to do something bigger, something better, something that would _absolve_ her – if only she knew what. Though from a preliminary discussion with a few of her ministers, she suspects that whatever happens next, it's going to be hard.

She says, "It'll go."

"That good, huh?"

"I'll soon find out."

That's neutral enough, she thinks, not to count as a lie.

0(i)) Awkward

She decides, early on, that for her first change, her policies won't just be her opinion tempered by ministers. People should have a _say_ in some of it. In her new policies. When she thinks of them. The doors are open and that means she has to listen. She will do things _differently_ to before and the old Elsa would never have done it this way.

So she decides to invite nobles to meet with her because they are surely the most qualified to know about issues in her kingdom – why else would her father have drawn many of his ministers from them, and why else would they be so wealthy? The first meetings, however, are awkward (although she doesn't know if it's defeatist or not that she isn't surprised that they're awkward). Many of the younger nobles aren't sure why she wants their opinion on anything and the older ones are trying to hide their surprise. For her part, she tries to encourage them to speak, but it sounds stilted. She ends up telling them what she wants them to do, at which point the more conservative nobles summon the courage to kick up a fuss, so she tries to placate them. She doesn't know if she achieves anything on that first day except the realisation that she is a queen at twenty-one with no clear direction to take the country in and apparently no idea how to speak to anyone without either threatening them or being walked all over. Everything she _wants_ to say just stops at her lips and the feelings from before – grey, dark, overwhelming, remote, terrified – creep in before she can stop them.

At least Anna doesn't ask her how it's going that evening.

3) Stronger

She leans out of her window, watching Anna meet Kristoff in the yard. They embrace and he gives her a swift peck on the lips. Hand in hand, they walk out of the castle grounds and onto the road to the city.

"Penny for your thoughts, Majesty?"

She jumps and freezes the windowsill. Face flaming, she concentrates and reverses the effects before turning around to face the speaker. Gerda, to her credit, doesn't look at all perturbed by the accidental vandalism. She and Kai are two of the only people who never seem bothered by Elsa using her power for anything other than creating ice rinks.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't see you there."

"Well, I'd hope not, given I was behind you." As Elsa blushes, Gerda chuckles. "Watching your sister again, Majesty?"

"How do you … are you spying on me?" She doesn't know whether to feel indignant or not. The old Elsa would have been. Not loudly, perhaps, but she would have made it icily clear that her privacy was to be respected. But she still doesn't know how this new Elsa is supposed to do things.

Gerda raises an eyebrow but there's something uncertain in her expression. Maybe Elsa isn't the only one who isn't entirely sure how to deal with the new her.

"No, your Majesty," she says finally. "But I see things."

And now Elsa feels bad. The _old_ Elsa wouldn't have felt bad.

That isn't true. In the depths of the night, the look on Gerda's face would have replayed constantly in her mind, and she'd have passed it off as a nightmare.

"I just … I worry about her, I suppose," Elsa says. "This is all so new to her. I don't want her to get hurt."

Gerda purses her lips. "I think that's the best thing that could happen to her."

"…What?"

"Not a big hurt, not like that nasty prince. But she's spent so much time in the castle – she's never really known what it _is_ to be hurt in the ways the world hurts people. She's never had the chance to grow past it and grow strong from it."

"Anna's strong. And it's not like she had an easy life."

"She's strong in some ways but less so in others, and it's those ways that could drag her down." Gerda looks at her and smiles. "It's the same for you, if you don't mind me saying, Majesty. There are some things _you've_ never experienced either."

"I imagine there are a lot of things I've never experienced that I'm still not going to do. Jumping into a pit of boiling lava for example."

Gerda chuckles. "You're just like your father sometimes."

Elsa doesn't know how to respond to that. She loves her father, and knows that he did everything he could to be a good ruler, but sometimes, she thinks that maybe he…

Gerda shuffles over and pulls Elsa into her arms. "There, there," she says, ignoring Elsa's sudden stillness. "I didn't mean anything by it. Just an observation, dear." She moves back from Elsa, though she keeps her hands on Elsa's shoulders. Despite the difference in height, Elsa feels as though she's seven again. "Perhaps you should go too, your Majesty."

She's still a little dazed. "Go where?"

"Out. Into the city. Get to know how it works. Have your own experiences."

She knows her breath hitches. She _wants_ to go outside. She wants to see what it is she's doing all of this for. What she would have died for, out there on the fjord.

And yet, if she goes out there…

She's not _scared_. She just doesn't want to rush anything.

"I have work to do."

"Does it need to be done today? By you?"

"Well…"

"You can't live your whole life in the castle, you know," Gerda says, and her eyes are no longer twinkling. "You can take one day to yourself, Majesty. You could go out there and meet the people. See more of the city. Get some time to be _you_."

The way Gerda's looking at her makes her heart pound. Gerda is one of the few servants who knows how Elsa grew up, even if she didn't know the exact reason for it. And she thinks Gerda might be the only one who watches Elsa for-

If Elsa had let her – if she hadn't been so damned scared and so focused on being perfect and competent – she would have stepped in as a second mother after her own parents died. She barely knew Elsa compared to how well she knew Anna but she'd made it clear several times that she would be there for her.

It's too late for that now – she's not someone who can just let friendly old maids into her life. But she's not the same girl who pushed Gerda away years ago, or she doesn't think she is. She is … she is…

She is someone who can listen to Gerda. That's all she needs to know.

"I … I think I'd like that," she says.

Gerda smiles. "Excellent," she says before Elsa can take it back. "If anyone comes looking for you, I'll say you'll be back in the evening."

"Thanks, Gerda." She hesitates before leaning over and hugging the older woman, because she thinks she can do that too. "Really."

Gerda hugs back. "Any time, Majesty."

5) Thief

The first time she goes into the city, she dresses as she normally does. Everyone recognises her and everyone goes out of their way to be polite to her. People openly gawk. She wants to strike up a friendly conversation but every time she opens her mouth, nothing comes out. More than once, she wishes Anna were with her. Anna is brilliant at these kinds of things.

Eventually, she manages to have a conversation with some shopkeepers, but they speak slowly, careful to agree with anything she says. Their eyes constantly glance at her hands and she gets the distinct impression that they're waiting for her to leave. So she does, and she's stupidly proud of herself that she doesn't freeze anything until she's in her room.

For a few weeks after that, she doesn't go to the city alone. She goes a few times with Anna, and that's fine because Anna is disarming and friendly, and people are suddenly happy for Elsa to play the indulgent big sister. She goes a few times with nobles and ministers on official business and she's expected to act properly then so she barely says anything anyway. She gets good at all of this play acting. It sometimes makes her wonder if she's changed at all.

She tries not to talk about any of this with Anna because it sounds so stupid (what is she complaining about? That people she's only just met don't want to be her friend?) but that feels counter-intuitive because she's not supposed to lie anymore. So, instead, what comes out are mumbled half-truths, hinting at her unease and isolation, which turn to questions about Anna. Questions and questions and questions which maybe would alarm Anna if she'd had the chance to know Elsa better before now.

With all of her work, and the expectations, and the self-control, and the having to fix Arendelle and not really knowing what to do or where she's going but not being allowed to _tell_ anyone that she doesn't have the answer, she feels, if anything, more trapped than she did _before_ she went to the city. She sits in meetings with nobles who seem to think what they want is the most important thing and are icily polite to her; or walks past servants who flinch away from her; or sits up late into the night, and starts to think longingly of the North Mountain, with its endless space and silence. She could go up there, live in that castle with Marshmallow and just … be.

But isolating herself is something the _old_ Elsa would have done and she's _not_ that girl anymore.

Besides, Marshmallow won't let anyone come within ten feet of the castle without shouting at them.

She decides to compromise. If her issue is being trapped then she'll go back into the city but she'll go in disguise – that way, she'll be alone and free and with _people_. As long as she doesn't freeze anything or disclose her proposed reforms of the law of easements, she'll be fine. She repeats this to herself as she sneaks out of the castle and all the way into the city, dressed in the first dress she finds in her wardrobe that doesn't look too gaudy, with a dark wig and a pair of fake glasses, hoping she doesn't run into anybody she actually knows.

It turns out that when you're not the Queen, the city is surprisingly overwhelming. There are people _everywhere_. They push and they shove and they shout and they swear and it's _fascinating_. Nobles aren't like this. At least, they're not like this in front of Elsa.

She doesn't start a conversation with anyone but a few people (mostly men) start conversations with her. It's actually not that hard to get into the flow of it, as long as she's careful about what she says. Some of the conversations are creepy and uncomfortable but most are cheerful and leave her with a small smile on her face.

By the end of the day, she's in a good mood. She decides to take a shortcut back to the castle. At least, it would be a shortcut if she could remember where this alley leads. After about half a minute, it becomes apparent that the alley won't take her closer to the castle and she is debating which way to go when a hand reaches out from the shadows and grabs her arm.

And lets go.

"Your arm is _freezing_!"

Elsa's heart is hammering – more with the effort of not freezing the grabber than with the fact of being grabbed – as she rubs her arm.

"Maybe you shouldn't have grabbed it then," she mutters, still focusing on _not_ freezing anyone.

"Well if I'd known it'd be that cold, I wouldn't have, would I?"

That makes her pause. She peers at the shadows. "Is that, uh, is that your _only_ qualm with grabbing someone's arm?"

She can't quite see the grabber but she can see their shoulders shrug in the darkness. "I gotta eat, don't I?"

"You were going to eat my _arm_?"

"What? No!" The grabber actually sounds outraged. "I was gonna steal from you, wasn't I?"

"Steal what?"

"Well, the jewels on that dress for starters."

Elsa puts a finger to the jewels, small but present on the skirt of the dress. It hadn't even occurred to her that someone might want them for money. That someone would try to grab her and hurt her for them. The thought makes her shiver. "And you couldn't just ask?" she says coldly.

There's a scoffing noise from the shadows. "Oh, just ask, the lady says. Sure. I shoulda just gone up to you and asked if you'd pretty please let me have those jewels for free. D'you know how often that works?"

"No. How often does that work?"

There's a pause.

"You don't get out much, do you?"

Elsa grins despite herself. Her unease at the situation is starting to wane with each comment the would-be thief makes.

"I'm not being entirely serious," she says, although she mostly was. She plays the thief's first words over in her head and frowns as their meaning hits her. "Do you really have nothing to eat?"

"Not much." Another shrug. "I can get by for another day or so. Something'll turn up. It usually does."

She hesitates and then hates herself for it. She isn't hesitating because she doesn't want to help. She's hesitating because she's heard the warnings and cautionary tales, of scammers and thieves who just won't get jobs. Of how handing money over to a street thief or beggar is the same as buying them drugs and alcohol.

It's a lot easier to believe all of that when she isn't faced with a shadowed figure who, if she peers into the darkness, looks a lot thinner than a person should.

She concentrates to make herself another ice dress underneath the normal one. Then she starts to undo the clasp at the back of the normal dress.

"What, uh, what are you doing? Lady, there are _children_ nearby."

She nearly laughs at the thought of a _thief_ giving her lessons on morality and ethics.

"I've got something on underneath. Hold on." She wriggles out of the dress. "For you. Take the jewels off as you want but use them to buy _food_."

The shadowed figure moves backwards one step. "You, uh, you serious?"

"You can't possibly be saying no. You were just about to forcibly remove the jewels from me!"

"I, uh, you know, I don't actually have a weapon on me. I was kinda hoping the threat of me would be enough. Though now that I think about it, that seems like a fairly stupid idea since you'd have been walking round naked then. Or I thought you'd be." A pause. "I'm kinda new to this mugging game." Another pause. "Hey, this isn't a trick, is it? You gonna call the soldiers on me?"

She isn't sure that she followed all of that. "No," she says in answer to the last question. "If I did that, I'd have to explain why _I'm_ here."

"Why's _that_ a problem? You not allowed to walk down alleys?"

"Not … well, yes. But no."

"Right. Anyone ever tell you that you're crazy?"

It's obviously a jocular, surprised comment but it catches her off guard. Because people _do_ whisper that and she can't exactly blame them, not when she has the same thoughts herself. After all, nobody _sane_ responds to their sister's engagement by freezing an entire country. Then there are the thoughts and feelings that have plagued her since before her parents died, thoughts that would be so easy to give in to: that everything is hopeless, that she's hopeless, that she will always be trapped and alone. And then moments where everything is just dull and empty, and it feels like she's watching from the sidelines.

She can feel her amusement fading fast.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, alright? I mean, I'm sorry for the crazy comment _and_ for trying to mug you. I just … wow. This is generous. And totally, totally not crazy." There's a pause and then, in a quiet voice, the thief says, "Please don't cry."

She looks directly into the shadows of the alley. "Huh?"

"You just … you look so … lost." There's a moment of hesitation and then a thin, grimy figure steps into the fading light for the first time. She sees the thinness and the dirt, of course, and even a scar, but what strikes Elsa the most is that the thief's eyes and mouth and expression are filled with concern. "C'mon, come here."

Then, to her absolute astonishment, the thief hugs her.

"You're not crazy, alright? No more than the rest of us. Even if your arm _is_ freezing." Elsa takes a step backwards out of the startlingly warm embrace, still holding the dress out because she doesn't know what to say. The thief hesitates but she gestures again. Slender fingers – surprisingly slender fingers – curl into the cloth.

"That should be worth a fair bit of money," Elsa says. "Don't... I can't stop you from doing whatever you want with that money but-"

The thief seems to be looking at her properly. "This dress is a little … wet. And your dress is cold. Like, ice cold. Are … you're not … I mean, there's no way you're-"

"Don't. We were having such a good conversation." She tries to smile, fully aware that that conversation has ended. The thief is openly gaping at her. There's something about that gaze that makes it hard to look away. "Seriously. I just wanted to…"

The thief grins then. It's a surprisingly nice grin, despite the strange scar that cuts through it. "Alright then. Nothing more's being said. But if you ever need a favour down here, shout for Rik."

"Rik?" She tastes the name on her lips. "Is that short for something?"

"Yep. But I never go by my full name so there's no point giving it to you."

"OK." She shrugs. "Then I'm … you can't really shorten Elsa."

"Elle?"

"Fine. I'm Elle."

"Then thanks, Elle. I mean it. This … an amount like this could change my life. _Will_ change my life. Honestly."

Rik hugs her again before disappearing into the shadows. Elsa looks down at her dress. The grime from those surprisingly slender fingers has made its way onto the ice.

She could clean it up but, somehow, it looks better this way.

0(ii)) Actually

She's meeting the nobles with whom she discusses social policy – she split the nobles into "committees" about a month ago, mainly to make it look like she was doing something. It's been an easy job for them so far because she's been so distracted by other things that she's not really put much thought into it, and has been guided by them. It's mainly been keeping the status quo.

But this time, at the end of the meeting, when Marquess Elbert says, "Does anyone else have anything they want to raise?" she thinks of Rik the thief and that grimy face and bony shoulders. And how she's sitting here, maintaining the status quo and how, for Rik, that status quo might mean starvation. And how, if there's one person who could ensure that people like Rik never need to mug anyone just for food, surely, it's her.

She hears herself say, "Actually…"

6) Problem

There's a knock on her door.

"Sis? Can I talk to you?"

Elsa opens the door. Anna is twisting from foot to foot which Elsa is beginning to recognise as a sign that she's anxious.

"Yes, of course. Come in." She opens her door and Anna obediently walks in. The first time Anna came in, she barely managed to hide her shock at how bare Elsa's room is. Now she barely spares the lack of decoration and the water-marked items a second glance as she sits on Elsa's carpet. She could sit on a chair or the bed but she seems to like the carpet. Elsa plops down next to her. "What's wrong?" she says, trying to keep the nervousness out of her voice. They've had a lot of conversations but few that are _very_ deep.

To her guilty relief, Anna begins to tell her about an argument she's had with Kristoff. She speaks quickly, often getting distracted by tangents, which makes it difficult for Elsa to keep up, but by the end of it, she thinks she has a grasp on the situation. It doesn't sound like it's a potential relationship-ending argument. Anna just wants to know which of them is in the right.

"And don't spare my feelings," Anna says. "Though I'm totally right."

For a few seconds, Elsa can't think of what to say. She isn't _good_ at things like this – she can barely decide what _she_ should say to people, let alone what people should say to each other.

Still. Anna needs her. Anna trusts her. And she has to say something because she suspects she's beginning to look gormless now.

"I don't think you should have said it when you did," she says slowly, "but I think you're right. Kristoff _was_ being rude to the stall owner."

"Ha! Knew it!"

"But you could have waited to tell him so in private."

"Oh." She pulls a face. "She just looked so upset that I kinda felt I had to say something. But what should I do now?"

Elsa has no idea whatsoever.

"You could apologise to him but tell him you still think he was being rude."

"Do I have to apologise?"

"I'd imagine that's up to you. But it might make him realise he was being rude."

"I guess. I just hate apologising to him. He's always so _smug_ about it." She sighs and then grins. "Oh well. I gotta do what I gotta do. Thanks, sis. I knew I could count on you." She twists and hugs Elsa. "I'm glad we're talking to each other again. It feels nice, you know?"

"Yes." Elsa looks at Anna and feels a little stab of envy. Anna always seems so sure of herself and when she isn't, she has no qualms asking for help. Elsa wishes she had even one-tenth of that self-confidence.

"You OK?"

"Yes." Elsa smiles. "I'm glad you came, Anna. I'm glad I could help."

0(iii)) Child

She walks up the North Mountain with the same amount of trepidation she always has. This won't end well. It never ends well. This is her third visit since the Thaw, and the other two ended before they could really begin.

Marshmallow is angry. He is full of hatred and anger and an intense desire to guard his home. She doesn't know if he hates her because she made him, or because she is the only one who is ever there _to_ hate.

She's told Anna about these visits and Anna thinks her mad to return, and mad not to use her power. But she has to come here. She _made_ Marshmallow. In a funny sort of way, he's like her child. So she will _not_ force him to be someone. Not anymore.

But every time she's gone up, he's gotten so angry that she has eventually left him in the isolation he so clearly desires.

Still, she goes, tentatively knocking on the doors of the ice palace. After a couple of minutes, the doors open and she looks up at the grimace of the giant snowman. And braces herself.

Nothing.

"Hi, Marshmallow," she says. "Do you mind if I come in?"

He just looks at her. At least he hasn't bellowed.

Much as it hurts, she probably deserves this hatred.

"Why?"

His voice, when he isn't shouting, is deep and almost makes her think of ice blocks grinding together.

"I want to know how you are."

"Why?" Behind the deep voice and grinding tones, she thinks he could sound curious.

"I care about you," she says, though it somehow sounds insincere when she says it aloud. Until the Thaw, she'd barely spoken any of her feelings about anyone or anything aloud, and now she wonders how people can articulate them so well. Words never seem enough to express what she's thinking. "I want to check that you're OK."

"Why?"

It's becoming unnerving now.

"Because I made you," she says. "Because I want to know you. Because you're … because I'm responsible for you."

She can't bring herself to say she needs to know he's OK for her sake. And saying she loves him just sounds strange.

He stares at her for a few seconds. "I'm OK."

She coughs. "Um. Good."

After a few more seconds, he says, "Enter."

She walks in, feeling for the first time in a long time that something might be going right after all.

7) Soup

It's nearly six months after the coronation (not that she's counting or anything), and about four after her encounter with Rik, when she decides to venture to the Arendelle docks.

She hates ships. It's not simple enough to say that she hates them in the same way that Anna hates sprouts because it feels more complex than that; and she supposes she doesn't hate them as much as she hates Hans because ships are inanimate and he was fully aware of every pain he inflicted. But she does hate them and that's her main reason for avoiding the docks until now.

She goes because she promised herself she would. She hasn't been able to stop thinking about her encounter with Rik: it seems ridiculous that some people have nothing to eat but she can walk around in a dress that, according to her very angry royal dressmaker, is worth enough to feed half of Arendelle. Since then, she's looked into passing laws, commissioning studies, or even donating money but – like everything she tries – it's slow. The nobles display more confidence than ever in their meetings and are trying to gain her support for their own factions; the ministers remind her that there are other problems in Arendelle, many caused by her freezing the entire country; and at the end of the day, she doesn't know where to focus her attention without becoming so narrow-minded that she forgets everything else. Her father did not leave the country in a good state.

The docks are the roughest part of Arendelle. She's seen the figures and read the reports. Comparatively high crime rates, low income, poor housing, constant food shortages (not helped by her recent destruction of much of Arendelle's crops). Certainly not a place for the Queen to go alone. But she has to go because she has to _see_ it past the books and reports. Prove to her ministers that she knows what she's talking about and prove to herself that this is something she _can_ work on. And because the old Elsa would have relied on those books, and her parents would have quoted those figures, and that's not going to be her. Not anymore.

So she goes, dressed in the wig, glasses and as plain a dress as she could find. She even slathers her face in make-up, trying to make her skin seem like it sees the sun on a more than monthly basis. It's not like the last time she went into the city in disguise. The looks she attracts here aren't friendly: she finds herself crossing her arms across her chest even though she _could_ freeze everyone in place. She can occasionally feel hands looking for a purse she doesn't have. And the people she sees aren't well put-together like the nobles she knows so well – their hair is lank and grubby; their skin is dark but not from genetics or sunlight; they are thin but not in the way the noble ladies say is attractive.

It's especially difficult to look at the children.

She isn't wandering anywhere in particular but after a couple of hours she notices a lot of people heading in a certain direction, so she follows. She can't say that she's used to the sights of the docks, and she doesn't want to go too near the water, but it doesn't feel quite as bad as it did a few hours ago. At least she knows that she could probably defend herself.

The people are queuing for something inside an old warehouse. She tries to see what but when she heads for the door, people assume she's cutting the queue. She can always duck out once she's inside, she reasons, so she stands and waits, letting the conversation of the residents of Arendelle's docks wash over her. It's funny but, at heart, they sound similar to the conversations of the nobles at the parties she now has to attend.

She's so focused on the conversations that she doesn't realise how far along the queue she is until she hears the clatter of wood on wood. Startled, she looks around. The warehouse is filled with tables and benches, and bowls upon those tables and people upon those benches. Curious, she steps out of the line and heads towards the wall, hoping to get a better look.

At the front of the queue, there's another table. People behind the table give people in the queue bowls. Once they have a bowl, each person moves along, where more people ladle something out of a vat. Something that smells tasty. As she leans forwards, she sees-

It's so surprising, she nearly freezes the wall behind her.

"Hey, hey, lady, you coming back or what?"

She jumps again and really does freeze the patch of wall behind her this time. "Huh?"

The man who was behind her in the queue gestures impatiently as she hurriedly tries to get rid of the ice. "You gonna take your place or what?"

"No, I, uh, changed my mind. You go."

The man shrugs but she can feel people looking at her, presumably wondering why anyone would come to a soup kitchen and not eat soup. She ignores them but as she _finally_ succeeds in getting rid of the ice, one of the women from behind the table walks – or limps, rather, because she has a slight limp – over to her, concern plain on her face. Once in front of Elsa, she softly says, "It's OK. It doesn't cost anything."

"I know. I … it's OK." She tries to think of a reason for her being in here that won't sound stupid or wrong. "I … I think I can get my own dinner today. Really. I just … I don't know why I came in here."

"It's a safe place, you know. If you're looking for somewhere to sleep-"

"No, no, I … I don't need somewhere to sleep. I just…" She looks at her hands, hoping for some inspiration from them. She hasn't got gloves on: they _should_ be inspiring, damn it.

"Hey, Borni." At the sound of that voice, her eyes widen and she stares rather pointedly at her traitor hands. "Why've you cornered this la- El … Elle?"

She closes her eyes for a bit longer than a standard blink as she looks up at one very surprised thief. "Hi, Rik."

The woman – Borni – looks between them. "You know her?"

Rik nods. There's a smile on the thief's face, even over the surprise. "Elle's … Elle's the reason this was possible. She's kinda like my sponsor, isn't she?"

Elsa can feel her cheeks warm. "I think that's an exaggeration." She pauses as the thief's words sink in. "Wait, _you_ started this?"

"Yeah, I did and nah, it's not." Rik slings an arm that is not dark from grime around her shoulders. In fact, now that she looks at the thief properly (and she has to because most people _avoid_ touching her and if she thinks about that-), she can see what she missed before – brown hair that's no longer lank, framing a thin face and sparkling green eyes; jagged edges on the strange scar that cuts through the right-hand side of a sunny grin; features and skin that suggest a heritage that might not originate in Arendelle, or might be mixed; and a face that, actually, isn't that much older than hers. "Elle met me when I was at that proper low – you know the one, a few months back – and she helped me. She gave me what I needed to start this up. In fact…"

"What?"

"Everyone! Everyone, listen up!" Elsa's eyes widen in horror as people turn in their direction. "I want you all to meet Elle. She inspired me to do this when I was at my worst _and_ gave me the money for it. Give her a round of applause everyone, 'cause you don't meet a lady like her every day."

"Maybe you should marry her," someone yells and everyone laughs, though whether it's at the statement or how _inappropriate_ that would be, she can't tell. Her face burns even more.

Rik, however, is not fazed. "Maybe I should. But where's that round of applause I asked for, hey?"

Elsa doesn't think her face _can_ burn any more as people start to clap and cheer for her. She actually buries her head in her hands with embarrassment. It gets even worse when someone comes up to her and hugs her, saying it's part of the applause but then whispering a _thank you_ into her ear. Others join in, and soon she's buried under a pile of well-wishers, silently glad that she _didn't_ make an ice dress, until Borni rescues her.

Afterwards, Rik escorts her out, arm around her back, which makes her feel alert and … alert, just alert. They face each other, and she can't help thinking that the thief's eyes sparkle in the flickering torch light.

"So did you know I was here?"

She shakes her head. "I had no idea. I was just in the docks to look around. I followed people and… Did you really use that dress for this?"

Rik shrugs with shoulders that don't seem as bony as they did a few months ago. "D'you know how much that dress was worth?"

"Enough to feed half of Arendelle, apparently, though I think that's hyperbole." She smiles. "It turns out that, despite what I thought when I saw it, it was actually one of the _more_ expensive dresses I own. Owned. The dressmaker had a fit when she found out I'd, uh, lost it in a river."

"Is _that_ where the rumour that you like to go skinny-dipping comes from?"

"Quite possibly," Elsa says and they both laugh. "I just … I didn't think you'd use it to do something like this."

"Well … I mean, it was more money than I knew what to do with, wasn't it?" To her astonishment, Rik actually looks a little shy. "And this place was abandoned for so long that I thought … why not? You gave me money when I was down on my luck and said I should buy food so I did, didn't I? But it's totally not crazy."

They laugh again. It feels comfortable – more comfortable than Elsa has felt for a while, in fact.

"So, Elle, I gotta ask," Rik says. "Is it true you sold loads of your really posh dresses? And that you're talking about making laws about the housing and food down here?"

"You know about that?"

"We got ears, you know. It's just … don't you got more important things to do?"

She thinks of all of the topics her nobles want her to discuss – some of which are pressing but many of which are aimed at furthering their own interests, and says, "More important than people in my own country?"

Rik grins. "Fair point. But 's nice, you know? You don't expect nobles to do stuff like this. Where I was born…"

"I don't see why we shouldn't," she says, feeling more certain of each word as it comes out. "We all live here, don't we? And from what I've seen today…" She looks around. "Besides, a noble didn't give you that dress – _Elle_ isn't anyone."

"Apart from an investor now."

"Yes, thanks for that."

"Eh, you'd attract attention anyway."

"Because I don't fit in?"

"What makes you think you don't?"

"Well, I guess … I guess I'm … better nourished. And my clothes…"

Rik gives her an assessing look, fingers tracing the corner of that strange scar. "You _do_ look better off than the rest of us but that doesn't mean you _are_. You know why Borni came over to you?"

"Presumably because people don't tend to change their minds about free soup?"

"Sort of. She thought you mighta run outta an abusive relationship and heard about us, but then gotten too nervous to take the soup. She thought you mighta had nowhere else to go."

She's so surprised by this assessment that she can only say, rather stupidly, "But I don't have any bruises."

"Maybe not that she could see. But you … you kinda carry yourself like someone who's been beaten, you know? And abuse isn't always … you can't always see it."

Elsa doesn't know what to say to that.

"Anyway, 's not what I was thinking, was it? I was thinking more 'cause you look…"

"Huh?"

"Nothing." And to her surprise, Rik looks away before looking back at her. "Anyway, you staying or going? If you're going, gimme a minute to check everyone's alright and I'll walk you outta here."

"I can make my own way."

But Rik only smiles, eyes sparkling with humour. "Lady, not everyone down here's as nice as me when they go grabbing. And you can't have _that_ many dresses to give away. Er, can you?"

She laughs. "No." She feels something inside her soften – and she can't deny that she's been enjoying their conversation. "If you want to walk me out," she says, "I won't say no."

8) Present

They talk for the entire walk back, about random things, mainly. She's enjoying herself – Rik is quite funny, once she gets her head around the strange accent and dialect. She almost feels relaxed. It's strange.

As they reach the edge of the district, Rik says, "Happy birthday, by the way."

She looks at the thief. "Huh?"

"Your birthday's in two days, isn't it? Pretty sure there's a country-wide celebration. C'mon, stop looking so surprised. We all gotta grow old, right?"

She doesn't know why she thought Rik wouldn't know her birthday. Maybe it's because she doesn't usually do anything for it. The thought of the party she has to throw in two days is a little intimidating.

She shakes her head. "Sorry. I … thanks, Rik."

"Expecting anything nice for it?"

"I'm sure Anna will think of something. And probably lots of nobles will give me things that I will be very grateful for and will never use again. That's what happened on previous birthdays and I didn't even _meet_ the nobles." She pulls a face. She doesn't like receiving presents. It rarely feels like she deserves it and she finds it hard to accept things from other people – it feels almost as though she's in someone else's debt. Losing control, she supposes, though maybe not everything in her life is linked to that. Maybe this is just a weird quirk of her personality. "I bet it's all ice themed too."

Normally, she wouldn't dare be so ungrateful but she's beginning to get a sense of her companion's humour and she's proven right – Rik chuckles. "Feel free to sell 'em and give us the proceeds, lady. Bet they're worth loads."

"That's … that's actually quite a good idea."

"What, really? I was joking."

"I know but now that I think about it, what else am I going to do with one hundred handmade snowglobes?"

She's rewarded with another chuckle. "Shake 'em all?"

"And then what? It loses its appeal after a while, I imagine."

Rik grins. "Fair enough. But won't the nobles get offended?"

"How would they know where I put the snowglobes or whatever?" She has a strange feeling now – sort of giggly and hysterical and something else. "I'll say they're in my room."

"Is your room _that_ big?"

"No, but _they_ don't know that." She's grinning, even though it isn't _that_ funny. Maybe it's a delayed reaction and she's just relieved that she got through the docks in one piece. The things she's coming out with surely must be. "I'm the Queen. I'll pretend I have two bedrooms or something."

"You don't?"

"What would I _do_ with two bedrooms?"

"Sell one and give us the proceeds?"

She laughs. On impulse, she leans over and hugs the thief, part of her marvelling at how freely she's hugging someone who is partly a stranger, and part of her feeling alarmed at how _thin_ that stranger is. There must be something in the air.

"I'll think about it. But, more seriously, I like the idea. With the birthday presents I mean. I don't _need_ that much stuff – it really would do me a favour."

"If you insist," Rik says, looking mildly bemused behind that sunny grin, "but next time, I'll get you a present. You better not sell _that_ off."

Alarm flares inside her because they might be having a friendly conversation and laughing and joking but they're still strangers, aren't they? "You don't have to-"

"Course I don't _have_ to. I _want_ to. That's the point of a present, isn't it?" Rik's eyes are full of laughter now. "I _like_ you. And I like to give presents to people I like for their birthdays. When I can."

She hesitates and then nods, thinking that there may well not _be_ a next time and even if there is, the thief will probably forget anyway. "Alright," she says. "Thanks."


	2. B) Needle

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Frozen_**

 **A/n:** Here is the second chapter because I'm expecting a somewhat hellish week at work, which might limit my chapter uploading capabilities. If you left me a review for chapter A and I didn't reply (apparently someone has reviewed but I can't see the review in my inbox or on this site) and you haven't deleted it, I have no idea what you've said but thank you anyway! I've also decided to say hello to people from different countries who are reading so, for this chapter, hello to the person from Saudi Arabia: thank you for reading (even if you gave up after chapter A and can't see this). Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this chapter, feel free to let me know what you think of it (or/and, if you live in California, America, give me travel tips because I cannot get my head around all of your buses!).

 _ **B) Needle**_

9) Birthday

On Elsa's twenty-second birthday, she goes to meetings, she reads papers and she eats too little. It's not like her other birthdays because she is talking to people and _doing_ things, and it's not a bad day like her last few birthdays have been, but it does feel a little like any other day.

In the evening, Olaf tugs her by her hand into the kitchen, where Anna, Kristoff, Gerda, Kai and several other members of the serving staff are waiting with a giant chocolate cake. When Elsa looks around, Anna blushes.

"For you," she says, somewhat unnecessarily given the wonkily iced _Happy birthday Elsa_ on the cake. "Happy birthday, sis."

Elsa hugs her; everyone cheers.

10) Self-harm

What they will both eventually think of as their most painful conversation begins innocuously enough, with a passing comment by Anna that she's surprised at how much cleaning Elsa likes to do and is unwilling to leave to the palace servants.

It lasts for about two hours and ends with the sisters hugging so tightly that Elsa almost worries that her ribs will break. But even so, that hug is still less painful than the old wounds they've both opened on themselves.

11) Volunteer

She's been thinking about it for the last couple of weeks – about how _slow_ she is as the Queen, how most of her nobles are reluctant to listen to any suggestion of change; and about how _grateful_ everyone was to have a hot meal – but the first time she volunteers at the soup kitchen, she asks herself, all the way down to the warehouse, just what has possessed her to do it. For one thing, sneaking out of the castle isn't exactly easy – even in disguise – and for another, it's not as though she has much free time.

But she still goes, sneaking through the alleys and paths in the docks, slipping into the warehouse, finding Rik amidst the chaos and asking if maybe she could help. Rather surprisingly, the thief doesn't bat an eyelid, just assigns her to help in the kitchen, which she suspects will turn out to be an instructive experience because she has never cooked anything before. So in she goes, heart still hammering madly as a little voice in her head asks just what _has_ gotten into her.

There are two volunteers in the room that is, apparently, the kitchen – a scruffy teenager with two piercings in his left ear; and a young woman with black hair cut boyishly short and a wicked grin. Rik drops in quickly to tell them to give her something to do, so the boy sets her to chopping vegetables on a dented table then berates her when the vegetables she chops ends up being different lengths to each other. The woman tells _him_ off for telling her off and shows her how to do it properly, that wicked grin softening when she sees Elsa's embarrassment. It feels extremely surreal.

Rik finds her at the end of the evening and offers again to walk her out of the docks. This time, the thief's hands are kept under a cloak – it must be freezing, Elsa thinks, because her own breath is clearly visible.

"So," Rik says as they start to walk, "You coming again or…"

"Um … maybe," she says.

"Prosper didn't put you off, did he?"

"No, no. He had a point. My vegetables _were_ wonky." She shrugs as though she isn't ashamed that she couldn't even cut a _carrot_ properly. "I guess … I don't know. It's not exactly easy for me to get down here but … this seems like such a good idea that I feel like I should try. And it's something _I_ can do to help."

"Uh…"

"It's not as easy as everyone thinks it is for me to change things, you know," she says, firmer than she might otherwise be but her sheer uselessness even _here_ is frustrating her and it somehow comes out. "You wouldn't believe the amount of research and planning you need to implement new laws. It's not as simple as me saying, I don't know, _Every person in Arendelle must be given a home_. Where do the homes come from? Do we build them? Do I take them from people? Do we move people out of the city? It takes time and this … this can _help_."

"I guess I never thought of it that way." Rik grins and removes one hand from the cloak to squeeze her shoulder. Rik, she's beginning to discover, is the type of person who has no qualms with hugging and kissing other people. But she's still surprised that this policy extends to her, given who she is, although she can't say that she _minds_. "Well, if you wanna come down for whatever reason, I'm not gonna say no to an extra pair of hands now am I?"

"Even given how useless I was?"

"Don't listen to Prosper – I had to watch him all the time, first time he was here, 'cause he just burnt everything if left on his own. You'll learn, I'm sure."

She smiles, feeling something inside of her relax. "Thanks, Rik."

"No problem." Rik looks at her and then brings a package out from under the cloak. "For you, by the way. Thought I should do it now in case you never come back."

She stares at it. "Uh…"

"'S not gonna bite."

"OK but, uh, why are you giving me this?"

"You forgot!" Rik looks at the sky, hands in the air. "She forgot!"

"Forgot? Forgot what?"

"'S your birthday present."

"My…" It clicks. "Oh! You said you were going to-"

"Yes, and I did. So open it."

The ragged package is thrust at her again. Gingerly, she takes it and unwraps the rags. A wooden cat looks back at her.

"Cats hate snow and ice, I think," Rik says, "so I thought it might do better than the other presents."

"Did you-"

"Nope. Claudius. Knows his way around a piece of wood, that guy."

She stares at the figurine. It's small but intricately crafted. Her fingertips trace the indents marking where the whiskers are.

"It's not gonna get sold, is it?"

She lifts her head to smile at Rik. "This? Not a chance. This really is going in my room. I love it." She hesitates and then hugs the thief. "Thanks, Rik. I mean it."

Rik squeezes back and then lets go of her. "No problem. Hope you had a happy birthday, Elsa."

11.3) Leaps

She can't say why but she returns to the soup kitchen or Rik's Soup Kitchen, as it now seems to be called.

She ends up back in the kitchen again, chopping up vegetables with the woman who she now knows is called Tali. Another woman, Margarete, is also there but she doesn't say anything at all. In a quiet moment, Tali assures her this is just Margarete's way.

The boy who berated her last time – Prosper – saunters in near the end of the evening. Upon seeing her, he leaps on her with a delighted yell of her name and shakes her shoulders. She freezes the edge of the table she's leaning on and has to dismiss the ice almost immediately.

"What?" she gasps out.

Prosper only laughs. "I _told_ Rik I hadn't scared you off. You're back! And your vegetables ain't wonky!"

12) Capable

She goes to the North Mountain, to check on Marshmallow. She's been a few times since the meeting where he finally let her in but she still doesn't know how to treat the giant snowman, in much the same way that she still feels uncomfortable about her relationship with Olaf. Because she did technically create them. Which means, as she's told Marshmallow a couple of times, she's responsible for them. And Olaf, she can sort of justify to herself, because Olaf was a result of her and Anna's childhood, and an accident of sorts. To Olaf, she gave the capability to love and be loved, the sort of endearing cuteness that would ensure he always had a family. But Marshmallow, she purposely created to reflect her fear. She wanted someone who would keep people _away_ from her. Would do whatever it _took_ to keep people away from her. Marshmallow – large, misshapen Marshmallow – she created to hate and not to love. And even though he lets her in now, she suspects it might be some remnant of her magic – some part of him that _can't_ disobey her.

Whatever her memories of the freedom of walking up the North Mountain, actually going always makes her feel…

She won't. She won't feel like that anymore. She has done too much damage to feel like that. She has no _reason_ to feel like that.

Tentatively, she slips into the ice palace she created, knowing that Marshmallow prefers this to having to open the door for her. There is a beauty to this place, she supposes, but it reminds her of using her powers to create walls of ice and pointed shards, of snarling out her anger and hatred at two men. She's heard that the ice harvesters steer well clear of this place.

Marshmallow watches as she enters the main hall. He's sitting on the throne (which Elsa has previously enlarged for him), arms planted solidly on the armrests. With a shaky smile, she pads over and sits on the floor, craning her neck to look up at him.

"Hi, Marshmallow."

"Hi."

Marshmallow is not talkative. She doesn't know to what extent that's because of what she made him to be and to what extent that developed by itself (if that can even develop without her influence). She thinks she must sound like Anna as she chatters almost mindlessly about life in Arendelle. He rarely offers comment or opinion, but he does listen, she thinks. He hasn't shouted for a few sessions now.

Once she's stopped talking, he stands and reaches behind the throne. In his hands (are they hands? They must be hands) is a small, lumpy snowman with ice shards for eyes, nose and mouth. Elsa looks at it curiously.

"You made this?"

Marshmallow nods. "It's Olaf." When Elsa starts, he seems to shrug. "My brother."

"I … I suppose he is." She's described Olaf – including how he was made – before but she's never brought him up here, scared of what Marshmallow's reaction would be. "Do you want to see him?"

He thinks about this and then nods slowly.

She tries not to sound too surprised as she says, "OK. Uh, great. I'll bring him here."

"Thank you." Marshmallow studies her. "You're next."

"To be made into a snowman?"

He nods. "I want memories of my family here."

Her breath catches in her throat. "Your family?"

"You and Olaf." He pauses. "And Anna?"

"Anna?"

"Your sister." He pauses. "That makes her my aunt?"

"I … yes, I suppose so."

A smile touches his lumpy face. "Good. I will make her after."

She looks at the lumpy depiction of Olaf and feels herself choke.

It seems that whatever she is, and whatever she did, Marshmallow is more than capable of feeling love.

13) Cobbles

"You know," Rik says as they walk through the docks, "I wasn't expecting you to come back."

She likes these evening conversations, likes how with Rik, she can say most of what she thinks without being judged, likes how she can just respond without worrying. It's taken a few conversations to get to this point, and, she thinks, a lot of patience on Rik's part.

"This time or-"

"Each time." Their fingers are entwined. The first few times that Rik tried to reach for her hand, she'd nearly panicked and only sheer will had stopped her from doing something stupid. But Rik never seemed to mind and, slowly, she got used to it – after all, she's not the only one Rik does this to, and it would surely look strange if _Elle_ was averse to friendly touches. Sometimes, she thinks she might even like the comfort of those slender fingers pressing on hers. "I dunno, I guess I keep thinking you'll have other things to do. 'Cause you gotta be busy, right?"

"Well, yes but…" She shrugs. In all honesty, she's a little surprised herself that she's kept this up. "I want to help. And how better to know how to do it than being here? Besides, it's peaceful."

"Peaceful?"

"Do you know how overwhelming it is to walk somewhere and have everyone _see_ you? They either hide from you or they want a piece of you. Nobody sees Elle."

Rik chuckles. "Lady, plenty of people see you down here."

"But they see me differently. I like that."

The thief (and even though Rik doesn't steal things these days, that's a name that still sticks in her mind) thinks about this for a while, eyes narrowed in thought. She likes that look – there's something about it that's almost endearing.

"So 's like an escape for you then?"

"Not really," she says although she thinks maybe it is. "That's partly it," she amends. "But like I said – I want to help and I want to know how _I_ can help when I wor-"

She grunts as she trips over cobbles on the street, releasing her friend's hand as she falls forwards. The area beneath her palm turns to ice as her chin hits the ground.

Rik is immediately there, helping her up. She dismisses the ice and touches a finger to her chin. It comes away wet. Blood.

"You alright, lady?"

"Yes." Her chin hurts but she can't show that.

It's such an instinctive reaction that it almost catches her off guard.

Why _can't_ she show that she's hurt?

"Alright." Rik looks at her dubiously but doesn't question it. "So, that's gonna give you a wicked scar when you go back to work, isn't it?"

She looks at the scar that cuts through her friend's mouth and only just manages to stop herself from wincing. "I'll conceal it with make-up or something. It'll probably just be a cut anyway."

"Could say they should see the other guy?"

She tries to laugh but it doesn't work.

"You OK?"

Elsa nods – she _is_ OK, it's not a bad day – but then relents. Rik is surprisingly easy to talk to and she's grown to trust the thief over the past couple of months, even though she sometimes gets the impression that they're both watching the other and waiting for confirmation of some kind of bad character trait. "I don't like to … I don't want people to think I'm violent."

"Hey, you're preaching to the choir, lady." Rik squeezes her shoulder. "It's just a joke, isn't it?"

She doesn't know how to respond to that so she stays quiet, looking at the blood on her hands.

"You know, people aren't as angry as you think they are." She looks up at green eyes that are serious, not amused. She's only seen this side of Rik a few times, but she already knows that whatever she's about to hear has been carefully considered. "I mean, they _were_ but time's gone by and people know how hard you work, don't they? They hated that prince more than you – the one who tried to kill your sister." Rik pauses, fingers tracing that strange scar, pulling brown hair towards it with each motion. "You're trying. 'S more than most of us expect."

She leans over and hugs the thief. "You're a good person, you know that?"

Rik swats her away, smiling. "I'm just in it for your money, your ice and your mad knife skills, lady. Don't get soppy on me now."

14) Forgive

"Anna," she says the next evening. "Do you think people in Arendelle forgive me?"

Anna looks at her. "For what?"

"For freezing the whole country."

"Oh, that." Elsa nearly smiles at how easily Anna can dismiss that. Only nearly because she knows, from the _conversation_ that Anna dreams about becoming ice and nothing more, and the pain that came before it. But she also knows that Anna has long since forgiven her. "Some haven't but loads have. You hear some people say you can't be trusted but … loads of people are all like, yeah, you know, that happened. But we got through it and hey, you are literally a one-person army. People _like_ you. Well, not _you_ as such 'cause loads of people think you're unapproachable and cold and distant, but they like what you _do_. They say you're dangerous but at least you're on _their_ side." She pauses. "That did not come out the way I meant it to."

Elsa smiles to show she's not offended, even though she _is_ hurt. Not offended hurt but hurt that people think she's dangerous. Dangerous but good, apparently.

It's a step up from being a monster but not much of one.

"Hey," Anna says, and gives her a hug, "They just don't know you like I do. You're awesome."

She forces a smile at that. "Thanks, Anna."

15) Marker

For the first time since their parents died, Anna and Elsa visit their marker stones together.

When they walk back, Elsa wraps an arm around Anna's shoulder as the girl sobs – the first time Elsa has seen her so much as shed a tear since they were children – and hugs her at the end.

Elsa doesn't let herself cry until she's back in her own room.

15.7) Expert

Kristoff stops by her study. He doesn't knock, of course, because he's Kristoff and things like knocking are polite gestures that _other_ people do. She's never commented on it. Anna would only be embarrassed if she did.

"Hey, Elsa."

"Hi, Kristoff. How are you?"

He grins at her, one side of his lip quirking up more than the other. He finds her as odd as she finds him: theirs is a friendship that's formed slowly over the past nine months, based mainly on awkward comments and dry remarks and observations of Anna doing strange things.

Still, he was her first friend and that definitely counts for something.

(The _old_ Elsa didn't have friends.)

"I'm good. Say, I was down in the docks earlier today with one of the ice shipments going out. Did you know about the soup kitchen down there? Rik's Soup Kitchen?"

She can't quite look at him as she says, "I've heard of it. Why?"

He smirks again. "Well, funny thing: I've heard there's this lady who goes a lot – she funded the whole thing, apparently. Elle Hauge. I saw her for the first time today and I'd _swear_ she looks like you in a wig, glasses and too much make-up."

"That's interesting but I've been here all da-"

"Actually, Anna mentioned you were out all morning."

She's not really sure how to respond. She goes to the Soup Kitchen on a fairly regular basis but she's also started to meet Rik around the city, always dressed as Elle. She likes that she can help and she likes seeing how the city works when she's not the Queen. She likes not being the Queen, if only for a short while.

Kristoff is watching her as she opens her mouth to lie, and she wonders whether lying about this part of her life is like lying about her powers. Is it something the old Elsa would have done? Isn't being honest with herself and other people something she's doing now? Or at least being honest with people like Anna and Kristoff because, of course, she _can't_ tell everyone she's Elle. Not now.

It's been nine months and it's still so confusing.

"I don't blame you," Kristoff says. "Lots of people would love to date Rik, apparently."

She chokes on that, which more-or-less gives the game away. Kristoff's smirk only grows and Elsa can't help laughing, which makes Kristoff start to laugh, which makes her laugh even more.

Finally, when she thinks she can speak without giggling, she says, "Is that what people think? That I'm _with_ Rik? Even though Rik's f-"

"Well, they think _Elle_ is with Rik. It's different for people that low down, you know. Lots of people don't care about bloodlines and marriage and what's proper and what's wrong. Some do but plenty don't." He smirks. "I _knew_ you two were together. Well, once I realised you were Elle anyway."

"I did _not_ say that."

"Oh, come on, you can't fool me. Even if you two aren't always holding hands or hugging each other, didn't Anna tell you that my family are love experts? Which makes _me_ a love expert."

"Wait, it's your _family_ who are the love experts? _That's_ why Anna keeps saying you're a love expert?"

"She does? Uh, what did you think she meant?"

Elsa can feel her face turn red as she says, "I kind of assumed she was being a bit too open as usual and was describing what you're like in be-"

" _OK_ , I don't think I want to know," Kristoff says, his face also turning red. "Why didn't you ask Anna to clarify?"

"You think I _want_ to know about what you two get up to? Especially when she's supposed to keep her virtue intact? I just tried not to listen and, uh, left her some books on, er, preventing family incidents." She pauses. "Oh, God. No wonder she looked at me so weirdly."

"Right," Kristoff says, coughing into a hand, face still red, "That, uh, that … you know what, I should probably get going."

"Right. Yes. Have a great afternoon!" They both look embarrassed but as he starts to turn, she hesitates. "Uh, Kristoff … could you, could you not tell anyone about me being Elle?"

He turns back. "Don't, ah, don't want your sister to know about Rik?" His tone is gently teasing, despite the colour of his face.

But now _she_ blushes even more. "There's nothing going on there, I promise. Rik's just very hands-on. But, uh, no. I actually … if people hear that Elle is me, they'll think that the Soup Kitchen is mine and it isn't. Rik's the one who set it up and runs it and organises it. All I did was take my dress off. It just … it feels wrong to take credit like that."

Kristoff's eyes bulge at that but he says, "I understand." He pauses. "Kind of." He gives her an assessing look. "But you volunteer there sometimes, don't you?"

" _Elle_ does because it's a good cause. _I_ am looking into eradicating everything that made that soup kitchen necessary and fully expect people to pay attention in roughly half a millennium."

Kristoff smiles and then, to her surprise, puts an arm around her shoulders and sort of squeezes her gently to his side. He's not much of a hugger outside Anna and his family, and usually exchanges shoulder clasps and back pats with her. "I won't tell. But you're nowhere near as mean as you let people think you are, are you?"

He walks off, leaving her remembering her last conversation with Anna, because she doesn't want people to think she's mean at all. Clearly it's one thing to _want_ to change and another to do it.

But she's not dangerous. She can't be dangerous. Not anymore.

17) Ice

She doesn't know when Rik's birthday is until Claudius, Rik's woodcarving friend and occasional volunteer, mentions it in passing. On the day itself.

"What's wrong?" he says as her face takes on a stricken expression.

"I didn't buy a gift."

Claudius shrugs. "Rik's not the kinda person who cares. Just say you didn't know."

"But I _didn't_ know."

"That's it, you're getting the hang of it."

"No, I mean I really had no idea."

"Then what's the problem?" Claudius smiles a lopsided smile. "Can't get a present for someone's birthday if you don't know about it, can you?"

There is an obvious logic to that but she still feels bad. She _could_ have found out. Or asked. Rik got _her_ a present after all. She doesn't say anything to anyone about her misgivings though, partly because she suspects they'll just think her neurotic and partly because she doesn't want them to know too much about her, given who she is.

Anyway, she thinks, trying to stop herself worrying, why _would_ she have asked Rik? Do friends _do_ that? Maybe if she gave people presents, they'd be less likely to think she wants to be portrayed as mean…

She doesn't say anything about it to Rik on the walk out of the docks but she can't help thinking about it. She _could_ buy something tomorrow and give it to Rik next time. Maybe that's the answer. Except she hasn't gone shopping _herself_ for presents for years, and certainly never alone, because the old Elsa never left the castle. Even now, she'd be expected to have an escort so maybe she should-

"Hey, what's got you in a twist, Elle?" Rik says. She looks up. "You're looking kinda stressed."

She's about to say _nothing_ when an idea hits her. After glancing around quickly, she pulls an extremely bemused Rik into a nearby alley.

"Sorry," Elsa says, letting go of the thief's hand.

"That's fine. I think. I dunno. Are you kidnapping me?"

"No! No, I, uh … you see, Claudius told me it's your birthday today. And I didn't get you a present."

"OK … that doesn't explain why we're in the alley though, does it?" Rik looks around. "Hey, you're not gonna give me an _alley_ , are you?"

"What? No. My ministers would be a bit put out if I started giving away streets to random citizens. No, I just thought … what's your favourite thing? Material thing, I mean."

"Huh? I dunno. The Soup Kitchen? I mean, that _is_ the biggest thing I own and probably what I spend most of my time with so I guess that's gotta be it. Dunno that I have much other stuff to be honest. Why? You're not gonna- Wow." Rik reaches out and takes the miniature ice warehouse that Elsa has made. "For me?"

"Hold still," she says, feeling the same rush she always feels when she uses her powers like this. A few ice volunteers and patrons appear around the warehouse, which Rik is now holding with two hands. Elsa grins. "Perfect. Happy birthday. That shouldn't melt, but let me know if it does and I'll-"

"You can make unmeltable ice?"

"Not really. I've made it so there's always a small, freezing wind surrounding that."

"Yep. I can feel that…"

"Right. Well, anyway, it works on small things but I don't want to do it for anything bigger. I don't think I _can_ do it for anything bigger. Wind is really stretching my powers because of how it's linked to cold and warm weather and to pressure. So it _might_ still melt."

Rik is staring at her. "That's amazing. D'you make loads of these?"

She can't help smiling slightly at the praise. "Not often. When I'm bored or want to practice or let off steam, I do. I prefer making structures to people and landscapes though."

"You should do more. This is amazing." The thief pauses. "Uh, could you maybe hold it for a few seconds though? My hands are freezing. I'll need to grab my gloves."

"Oh. Sorry."

She takes the ice sculpture back and wonders if there's a way to make the base less cold. Rik puts on some gloves and takes back the warehouse, inspecting it.

"I'm sorry this was … you know, me just making you a-"

"One of a kind item?"

"When you put it like that…"

"It's great. Really." Rik looks at her. "You … was _this_ what you were worrying about all evening? Not getting me a present, I mean?"

She blushes. "I overthink things sometimes, I think."

She probably looks suitably embarrassed because Rik just says, "Eh, better to overthink than underthink, I guess. You didn't have to though."

"I know I didn't _have_ to. I _wanted_ to. That's the point of a present."

Rik laughs. "Good point. I'm kinda surprised you just made this on the spot though. You always seem so…"

"Organised?"

"Yes but, uh, I was gonna say restrained." She winces at the description but the thief doesn't seem to notice. "I know you use your powers now for kids and stuff but I can't see you as the kind of person who makes ice sculptures on the spot, you know? You don't even talk that much to the others, and they don't know who you are."

She bites her lip to focus before saying, "I use my powers a lot when I'm alone or sometimes to help with errands. But people get … nervous around me in general and especially if I use my powers, so I'm trying to phase it in, little bits at a time. You…" She shrugs, feeling a little silly. "I just had a feeling you'd be fine with it."

Rik blinks and then grins what is possibly the sunniest grin she's seen since they met. "I am totally fine with it. If ever you want to keep the food at the Kitchen cold in summer, I want you to know I was fine with it before anyone else was. _Especially_ if there's a friends' discount."

She laughs and gives the thief a hug. "Happy birthday, Rik."

0(iv)) Soft

"With the greatest respect, your Majesty, is this the most pressing issue Arendelle has?"

Elsa looks at Earl Carsten Voolf as evenly as she can. Of all the nobles on the social affairs committee, he is the most vocal and the most opposed to her. On some days, it takes all of her patience to treat him politely and she can tell that he isn't always fooled. She never shouts at him though, much as she wants to, and she certainly can't now that she knows half the country is still scared of her.

So she says, "I believe, my lord, that it's best to stop these sort of things before they can even begin. If you wouldn't mind just-"

"But if this isn't even a pressing topic, why should we consider it now? Surely the exports from the Southern Isles which we no longer-"

"For God's sake, Carsten," Earl Arnesen – one of Elsa's only supporters – says, "a prince of the Southern Isles tried to kill our royal family. We've been over this. _Nobody_ wants to re-open trade with them."

"I'm just saying that … well, perhaps I'm simply looking at this from a different perspective. A less … soft perspective."

Elsa looks at him. "I'm sorry, my lord – would you mind explaining what you mean by that?"

He raises his hands. "Your Majesty, your father looked to the important issues, as did his father and his father before him. As a general rule, it is men who focus on the important topics while women are more likely to listen to sob stories."

For a couple of seconds, she's so angry that she can't speak. She feels a chill wind and forces herself to smile, to calm down.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, my lord," she says. "But I believe – and several people have agreed with me – that this is a topic of some importance. For without the poorest in our society, where are we?"

"They get by, your Majesty. Maybe it would help them more if we had stronger trade links. If you were to marry a-"

Earl Arnesen speaks up again. "Carsten, if I may remind you, it was _men_ who caused many of the country's current problems. I'm not sure the answer is to add _more_ men to the mix."

Someone chuckles while Earl Voolf glares at him. Spats between the two men have been happening more and more recently, partly due to both men's inability to back down. "Well, maybe we'd be hard pressed to find one who would ma-"

"We're getting off topic, gentlemen," Marquess Elbert – frequently the committee's mediator – says as Earl Arnesen gapes at the insult that is about to come from Earl Voolf's mouth. Elsa, for her part, is gritting her teeth. "And it is time."

"Perhaps we should vote at the next meeting," Elsa says when she is calm enough to speak. "Give you all some time to think on it?"

There is a rumble of assent and the nobles begin to file out of the room. As Elsa gathers her papers, she sees the young, outspoken Earl Oddfrid Arnesen studying her. She tries to ignore him because she doesn't want to speak to anyone, not even someone like him. She doesn't want to think about that meeting, or how it was like the ones before it.

But he doesn't stop and eventually, she says, "Can I help you, my lord?"

"If you don't mind my asking, your Majesty, why do you let Carsten talk to you like that?"

"He's free to give his opinion," she says because that's neutral enough.

"He insults you and you just let it slide. Why not stand up for yourself?"

"I will not stifle his opinion, my lord."

"But you could challenge it. Your Majesty." He sighs and gives her a look that's a mixture of frustration and sympathy. "There won't always be people like me there to challenge people like him, Majesty. I just don't want you to give way to him on good points because you're worried about offending him."

"My lord, I can't-"

"Your Majesty, some people _need_ to be offended and I'm of the firm opinion he's one of them."

He bows and leaves, leaving Elsa even more confused than ever.

18) Almost

Olaf is attempting to grab something from a cupboard but is encountering several problems. The first one seems to be the most insurmountable, which is that the cupboard is a couple of metres above his head/snowstorm, but Elsa suspects that his lack of upper body strength might also be a high hurdle to overcome.

After a few seconds, she takes pity and picks Olaf up. She opens the cupboard. Olaf leans forwards and grabs a packet of herbs. Still in her arms, he opens it, sniffs and then coughs.

"You know, it doesn't smell as good as it looks." He twists his body to face her. It doesn't freak her out as much as it used to. "Wanna smell?"

"Uh, no. That's OK." She places Olaf back on the floor. "Why did you want that anyway?"

"It just looked so interesting. Ooh, d'you think they'd let me be a cook?"

Olaf gets different fixations weekly. It's mostly harmless and usually funny to watch but she still hasn't forgotten the week he wanted to be a poltergeist. She's fairly sure Anna was to blame for giving him the idea but she still denies all knowledge.

"I think you'd have to ask Pieter," she says. "Or we could learn together."

"OK!"

That's one thing she loves about the little snowman. No matter what anyone says to him, he always, _always_ looks on the bright side. Like Anna does. Did.

She extends a hand to him. "Shall we see if we can find him?"

"Sure." He takes the hand and then, suddenly, wraps his twig arms around her as far as they'll go. Snow falls on the front of her chest. "I love you."

She can feel something inside her melt as she bends down to hug Olaf back. "I love you too. But what's brought this on?"

Olaf only shrugs and takes her hand. "Only Anna ever says that to you. I wanted to say it too."

0(v)) Dance

They welcome ambassadors from the nearby country of Frentis. Elsa is used to parties of this kind, and even to dancing with the occasional noble (because the old Elsa wouldn't dance, so she will), but she doesn't know to what extent she really _enjoys_ them. It's much like the meetings she has with her nobles – constant watching of her words, false compliments, hidden insults, smiles hiding daggers. Anna enjoys them though, and Elsa likes to watch her sister.

She doesn't particularly want to dance but ever since that meeting last week, she can't stop thinking about what Earl Voolf nearly said, and what Kristoff said weeks before that, and Anna before that. Nor of what she's heard whenever she goes to the city, much as she tries to block it out.

The Ice Queen. That's what they call her.

As cold as she was before the coronation.

(Except with children or Anna. Some people have seen her with children at the ice rinks she makes every month, and they say it's like seeing a completely different person there.)

They say other things too about her, and she knows those are good. That she's dedicated. That she cares. That she fights for people.

Dangerous but good. An Ice Queen and not an Ice Witch.

At times like these, she longs for her plain dresses and the anonymity of going into the streets of Arendelle. She's done that more often over the past few weeks. On those occasions, she goes alone – not because she doesn't want to see Rik, but because the thief can't read so any message she sends would need to be oral or in code. Besides, she can't keep imposing herself on people. But even alone, there are people who are starting to recognise her and stop to talk to her. When she's in the city, she's not dangerous or important or a threat. She's just Elle.

One of the newer nobles asks her to dance. They spin with polite conversation and she tries to smile more, ask more, laugh more, but it just sounds so fake. It's _not_ like being Elle, no matter how much she tries to fake it, but it is similar in some ways. She has to layer everything after all. She has to meet expectations.

At the end of the dance, she curtseys to the noble.

"Don't worry, your Majesty," he says quietly as he bows. "I don't always dance that badly." He smiles at her then. "I think we're all still finding our feet."

She smiles back at him, and it feels like the first genuine thing she's done all evening.

19) Gold

As they clear up at the end of the evening, the volunteers discuss the increased taxation that is due to begin the following week.

"It's always taxes, taxes, taxes," Prosper grumbles, "even though it was _her_ what caused everything."

"That's not fair," Udmund says quietly. Everyone stares. Udmund is a small man who almost never speaks except to Rik and Prosper. Elsa mainly thinks of him as Prosper's quiet shadow. The only things she knows about him is that he used to work in finance and provides advice to Rik; he stays in a safe house run by Borni; and Prosper once stopped him from jumping off the roof of a nearby building. "She increased tax for everyone."

"But-"

"It's increased proportionally – everyone's rate went up by the same amount. Almost. The _richest_ pay a higher percentage than most and she did that so she could cut it for the poorest."

"And you don't even _pay_ tax, Prosper," Borni says. "On account of how you don't have a _job_."

"Hey, I guard this place!"

"And we're very grateful," Tove sneers. "Aren't we, Rik?"

Rik looks over, grinning. "Yep. 'Cause if Prosper's _guarding_ , I know he's not stealing, don't I?" The thief grins and puts a bowl away as Prosper makes an indignant sound. "You're being harsh, Prosper. 'S not easy being the Queen, is it?"

"How would you know?"

"I can imagine, can't I? Gotta be a tough job, trying to keep everyone happy and trying to keep the country in one piece. And she's on _our_ side."

"Why does it have to be us and them?" She tries not to blush as everyone turns to stare at her. Although she talks more than Udmund and Margarete, she rarely joins in on discussions about current affairs. "I mean, I always hear everyone saying how the Queen is on _our_ side. As though there's a side she has to be on. Why can't she be on everyone's side?"

"She's a noble, ain't she?" Prosper says. "Nobles don't care about any of us."

"I'm not sure that's true," she ventures, ready to back off if she seems too confrontational. "It always seems like the horrible ones are the ones who are loudest."

"Alright, name one _good_ thing a noble's done for us."

"Donate to the Kitchen," Udmund says. Everyone turns to look at him. "A few nobles do. Anonymously."

"I heard Viscount Semund learnt that one of his servants had a daughter who was being abused by a pimp, so he went down to the brothel and broke it up. Told all the women they were welcome to seek employment with him. The Queen sent guards to arrest the pimp the next day, apparently," Tove volunteers. "I heard she sent 'em on raids as well, to catch others like the pimp."

Elsa remembers that. It happened a few weeks ago. Viscount Semund had come to see her afterwards to inform her of what he had done. He'd said later that he'd known she would be in favour of his actions. He'd known she would take action to stop further exploitation.

Rik looks at her sharply as she focuses on her task.

"You see," she says, avoiding Rik's gaze, "nobles can't be _all_ bad."

"Maybe not all of 'em," Prosper concedes, "But just 'cause a few of 'em do something nice occasionally don't mean they're on _our_ side."

"But it's not like there are sides," Elsa says, feeling a bit bolder because they're actually _listening_. "It's just people, surely?"

"That's not how they see it, though," Tove says. "You ever heard rich people talk about us?"

She has. All too often.

"But aren't you doing the same thing?" Her voice is a bit firmer now but nobody seems offended. "Saying all _nobles_ are the same and don't care about you? When you boil everyone down, we've probably got a lot in common."

"Girl's got a point," Borni says. "You were generalising not ten minutes ago."

"Yeah, but-"

"Whatever you're gonna say," Rik says, "nobles probably say about us lot. Can't say you're right and they're wrong without hearing what they say about us. Probably we're all wrong, like Elle says." The thief grins at Elsa. "Who'd have thought it, huh? Elle's a revolutionary. Goes to show, it's the quiet ones you gotta watch, isn't it?"

Elsa responds with a wry smile as everyone laughs, knowing that most of them don't understand the real joke.

"Nah, she's just a softie," Prosper says, though he's smiling at Elsa to show he means no harm. "Anyone who gives _Rik_ money's gotta be soft anyway."

"Ah, Elle's not soft," Rik says. "You've not seen her angry, Prosper. She's just got a heart of gold. There's a difference, you know."

"You say that but she's basically your girl, so you kinda have to."

Her face turns red as Rik laughs, but it's Borni who says, "Hush, Prosper. Stop trying to scare off Elle. She actually shows up on time, which is more than you do." Borni limps over to Elle and surprises everyone by giving her a hug. "You're no softer than we are, I reckon. But your heart-"

"OK, OK," Prosper says. "I'm sorry! Can we stop being soppy now?"

Elsa just has to laugh at that.

0(vi)) Grey

She listens to petition after petition after petition. She answers each one, thinking quickly, aware that she's thinking objectively, without sympathy or pity for anybody she listens to. Or maybe it's more like there's a wall of ice between her and everyone else. But she's supposed to have _melted_ that wall. She always thought she should think objectively. That's what the Queen is supposed to do. But these are people and if she were _Elle_ , she would answer subjectively. Is it justice or mercy that's more important?

She gives answers to the servants, distracted, and afterwards wonders who their friends and families are. Should she have asked?

And then she has policy meetings and legal meetings and general meetings and she feels as though she's watching herself in those meetings, watching herself sit there and speak, but not otherwise participating. But her hands remain locked tightly under the table, skin touching skin, desperately trying to stop herself from making ice or snow.

More and more, she feels like the person she is at these meetings with these ministers and nobles is someone who isn't … _her_. It's someone constrained, who watches each word she says, careful to soothe feelings and not cause offence. And always, _always_ watching her body language. And today, it's just _hard_. As though the whole _world_ is against her and she's fighting against the current of a river. She can feel herself, so calm and composed on the outside, and on the inside, it's…

It's a bad day. It's just a bad day.

20) Direction

"You look frazzled."

Elsa looks at Gerda and counts to twenty-five by fives so that she can say in a normal tone, "Thanks, I think."

Gerda chuckles. "Long day?"

"Something like that." Elsa pulls a face and rubs her palms together as though she's cold. Really, she just wants to feel _something_ , even if it's only heat. "Why did my father never mention how _annoying_ people are?"

She hates herself as soon as she says that because she isn't _supposed_ to find people annoying. Only now she thinks she might be overthinking it and, if anything, hates herself even more for it.

It's just a bad day. She has them sometimes. Everyone does, right?

"He wasn't an expressive man," Gerda says thoughtfully. "He always felt he had to take the weight of the world on his shoulders." She peeks at her. "You know, I know he was your father but you don't have to do things his wa-"

"I'm not." It comes out harsher than she intends and she counts by fives again until she's calm. Can't she do anything right today? Even if it _is_ a bad day? "I'm trying not to."

Gerda comes over and rubs Elsa's back. It's so surprising that Elsa turns her head to look at Gerda, who just smiles gently, and hugs Elsa to her.

"No," she says quietly. "I suppose you're not." The rubbing motion continues. "How many petitions did you hear today?"

"I don't know. Fifteen? It felt like a lot."

"People notice and they talk. It's something your father never did. He left it to the justices." When Elsa peeks at her, Gerda smiles. "Maybe people _are_ annoying but they trust you. They know you'll do the right thing."

Dangerous but good.

Who trusts someone like that?

"Not the nobles," she says, which is true enough. Meetings with the nobles are beginning to feel like an exercise in diplomacy. She hasn't even _said_ anything to offend them. Most just instinctively don't like the policies she's tentatively suggested.

"Some do. The quiet ones. The ones who have happy servants and tenants. People like them too."

Like Earl Arnesen, she thinks suddenly, who insults Earl Voolf because he believes in Elsa. Or Viscount Semund, who sought retrospective permission from her to break into a brothel on behalf of one of his servants, because he knew she would not only sanction it but would take action herself.

Elsa just stares at her as Gerda smiles and gently lets go of Elsa.

"You're doing fine, Elsa. You'll see."

21) Gerda

Anna charges into her room and hugs her.

"Anna, wha-"

Anna just looks at her, smiling, with slight fear in her eyes. "Gerda said you needed someone. So I came."


	3. C) Fabric

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Frozen_**

 **A/n:** I actually am expecting tomorrow to be hectic, going by the flurry of emails I've been getting for the last few hours, so thought I should upload this now. Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoy. And hello to the person from Indonesia - I hope it's dryer over there than it is over here!

 _ **C) Fabric**_

22) Brothers

When she next goes to the North Mountain, she takes Olaf for the third time since Marshmallow first said he would like to meet him. Unlike Elsa, Olaf has no feeling of trepidation when he enters the castle. To him, it's just one more place of wonder.

Marshmallow is as quiet and blunt with Olaf as he is with Elsa. She'd previously thought that Marshmallow had no especial fondness for Olaf, given that he'd once thrown the smaller snowman off a cliff, and that, despite what he said his desire to meet Olaf might be one of curiosity than family bonds, but the first time they met after the Thaw, Marshmallow had agreed with Olaf's assessment that they were brothers with a nod and a pat on Olaf's head that nearly squashed him.

She lets Olaf do the talking this time. It's amazing, she thinks, that Olaf is so fearless around Marshmallow. Most people would see someone dangerous but Olaf only sees family. He's a bit like Anna, she thinks. Which, of course, makes Elsa Marshmallow.

Dangerous. Violent. Angry. A preference for isolation. Only willing to open the palace doors to a few. She's not sure she _wants_ to be Marshmallow.

Marshmallow shows Olaf the snowman versions of him, her and Anna. Enthusiastically, Olaf pushes some of the lumps on the snowmen back into shape. With a delicacy she would not have expected of the giant snowman, he squats next to Olaf and pokes at other lumps.

Olaf turns his head, sees her watching and shouts for her to come over. But as she does, she sees that whenever Olaf pushes something _out_ of shape, Marshmallow furtively pushes it back, hiding his corrections from Olaf. As she sits down, the giant snowman pats her knee, while Olaf hugs her.

She smiles at Marshmallow, who gives her a slight smile back.

Maybe there are worse things, she thinks, than to be like Marshmallow.

22.2) Nicely

"All I'm saying is that the introduction of a cap on rent will only serve to widen the gap between rich and poor."

"I'm sorry, my lord, but how?"

"Sorry?"

"I, I don't think I understand how it would do that."

"Well, for one thing, there will be less flow of money and investors will leave."

"But I don't think we have any investors, my lord," she says. She wants to imagine she's at the Soup Kitchen but it's not the same. She doesn't have to be non-threatening as Elle. "Not of the sort you're thinking. We mainly had Weselton, but they were more traders than investors after my father limited foreign investment in Arendelle."

"I am talking about investors _in_ Arendelle, Majesty. Your law will not catch those who leave. And who will rent out the buildings then?"

"Well … those who step up to buy them, presumably." She hesitates and looks around. Earl Arnesen grins at her and she feels a little emboldened. People _are_ listening to her. Giermund even asked to talk to her yesterday so that he could explain his problems with her proposed law and they ended up having a long discussion which definitely felt like a discussion rather than one of them trying to impose their will on the other. "Maybe cash flow would lessen, my lord, but it would mean more space for those who aren't so blinded by their own greed that they leave. I think we could do without the ones who leave."

Marquess Elbert calls time and the nobles file out. Earl Arnesen comes over to Elsa. They've taken to having these after-meeting chats, and sometimes meeting outside the meetings. She's beginning to like his straightforward attitude and willingness to _help_. He seems to be one of the few nobles who understands what she's trying to do here. He's certainly one of the only ones who's told her that he prefers this approach to her father's.

"Yes, my lord?"

He smiles. "You had Carsten on the run today, your Majesty."

"Thanks." She sighs. "But he has a point. Never mind that the majority of my tax comes from those with the most money – if we impose a blunt cap then that _will_ put landlords off renting their properties out at all, as Giermund pointed out to me yesterday. We need to rethink it."

"But you had a point as well, your Majesty. We have to start somewhere and for all you may recognise the weaknesses of your proposals, _he_ doesn't have a clue what he's talking about – he didn't mention your point at all." He sticks out a hand. Startled, Elsa shakes it without thinking about it. The young man grins and bows. "Nicely done, your Majesty."

23.2) Talk

Rik is walking her out of the Soup Kitchen, arms linked through hers. Much like their hand holding, they walk like this a lot. Maybe less than they hold hands. There's a part of her that's shocked at how she's acting given that Rik is … not someone Elsa should be holding hands or linking arms with. But that's Elsa as the _Queen_. Elle can hold hands or links arms with whoever she wants. Kristoff is right. People in the docks aren't as uptight as most of the nobles are. As Elle, she can say and do things that she could never say and do as Queen and nobody judges her for it, as long as she's careful not to reveal too much.

And she can't deny that there's a part of that likes being this close to Rik.

"You know," Rik says, "you're more talkative these days. More sure of yourself."

"Huh?" She hopes her thoughts aren't too obvious on her face.

"With Borni and the others. You're joining in more."

"Oh." She doesn't know what to say to that. Ever since that conversation about taxes, she's spoken out a little more but carefully, always carefully. And, of course, there was the last meeting with the social affairs committee. "I guess I am."

Rik laughs and hugs her mid-walk, somehow managing not to fall. Rik never seems to fall. "I don't mean that weirdly. But 's nice, isn't it? 'S nice to see you letting yourself talk to them."

It's such an odd way to put it that she says, "Letting myself?"

"You always _coulda_ talked to 'em but you never seemed sure that you could before, you know?"

"That makes no sense whatsoever."

"It totally does. It's just too smart for you."

She pokes her tongue out and Rik laughs, and changes the subject.

24.2) Nineteenth

On Anna's nineteenth birthday, Elsa gets her everything she thinks her sister might want and organises a large party. There's good food, music, games, dancing and an ice rink. The look on her sister's face is worth the amount of effort it took.

Later that evening, as Elsa helps a somewhat tipsy Anna to her room, Anna says, "You're the best sister in the world."

Elsa blushes. "Thanks."

Anna hugs her close. "I mean it. Love you, sis."

25) Clearing

Gerda finds her clearing away dishes to go into the kitchen.

"Um, your Majesty?" Elsa turns. "You know you employ servants for that, right?"

"I gave them all the evening off. That means you too, Gerda." She smiles slightly. "I can clean up in here."

"Do you know where everything _goes_?"

Elsa pauses and she hates that she can feel her cheeks flush as she says, "No."

"And what about the washing up?"

"Oh, I was going to do that first."

"You were?"

"Yes." She nearly says, _I've done it plenty of times_ but, of course, she hasn't. Not as the Queen. "It can't be that hard," she says instead, hating how stupid she sounds.

"Well, let me help anyway. Consider it an early coronation present to you, Majesty."

"Thanks, Gerda, but you really don't have to," she says, pushing thoughts of the coronation anniversary out of her head. She can't believe she's even gotten this far. "Go home and enjoy the rest of the night."

"After you gave me all night to enjoy her Highness' birthday?"

"You, uh, you can sleep every so often. I won't fire you. I promise." She blinks. "That, um, that was kind of inappropriate. I'm sorry."

But Gerda only laughs and walks over to Elsa, squeezing the Queen to her in a brief gesture of affection. Gerda's been doing that more often, and Elsa doesn't know if she minds or not, so she just sort of stands still, which makes it feel awkward even if Gerda never seems to notice.

"I know, Majesty. But I still want to help." As Elsa gives up and lets her start to pick up dishes, Gerda adds, "Majesty? You know the servants' entrance is closed for repairs for the next few days, don't you?"

She actually didn't – damn it, that's how she sneaks out! – but she doesn't want to look even more useless than she does at the moment so she says, "Yes." She pauses. "Wait, why are you telling me this?"

She can't read anything in Gerda's tone as she says, "I thought it would be good to remind you, your Majesty, of what's going on in your castle. That's all."

Elsa looks at her sharply, but the older woman only smiles.

0(vii) Gasping

Just like that, the country celebrates her first year as ruler.

Honestly, she doesn't know how much there _is_ to celebrate, but she's not allowed to say that. Her speech is supposed to be upbeat but she can't get the right tone. She thinks she gets away with it though. Her Majesty, Queen Elsa of Arendelle, is known for being serious.

There is a feast and dancing and music, and she feels so far outside it that she's almost breathless. Gasping, she thinks. But that's why she needs to stay outside everything because otherwise she would be overwhelmed by people because they're everywhere wanting to talk to her to listen to her to dance with her to give comments to flinch away from her to check that she and Anna aren't arguing because because because

One year ago.

She nearly killed everyone one year ago.

She can still see the terror on that woman's face who only wanted her to touch her baby.

She knew today would be a bad day.

26) Got

Arms loop around her, and she feels herself being pulled towards someone's chest.

"I got you, sis," Anna murmurs, ignoring the ice that coats the floor of Elsa's room and the snow that softly falls on their heads. "Let it all out. I'm here. I've got you. It's all fine. I've got you."

27) Like

They're sitting together in the docks, just talking, when someone walks by and says, "Rik, 's your girl freezing?" The lady looks at Elsa. "Lady, I dunno if you noticed but 's boiling outside today – you not gonna overheat like that?"

Elsa looks down at herself. She's in a short summer dress but with a cloak over it. She _is_ uncomfortably warm but despite everything she wants to do, she can't bring herself to dress less modestly than she is now. She couldn't even do it in the North Mountain and there was nobody to see her there.

"I'm alright," she calls to the lady. "This is a thin cloak."

"I was more worried about Rik's arm's warming you up too much." The woman cackles and winks, but there's no malice in it. It startles Elsa a little to realise that this is a complete stranger just being friendly. And startles her even more to realise that while the Queen could never be caught in a position like this, Elle can do it and nobody cares.

Just as she's thinking this through, Rik lazily gestures at the woman and says, "She's warming me up, lady. _I'm_ the one who's cold. She's just being a good friend, isn't she?"

The woman snorts. "You lemme know if this one's annoying you, Elle, alright?"

"Will do," she says while wondering how on earth this woman knows her _name_. Or her fake one anyway.

The woman wanders away, leaving her to stare after her. She's not the first person who's passed who's made a comment about her being Rik's girl, but now she wonders whether Kristoff is right. It's obviously what people think, even though Rik's-

"Hey, you ever notice how you're always _my_ girl?" Elsa turns to look at Rik, who's grinning, but not as sunnily as usual. "Ha, these people obviously don't know _you_. If one of us round here's being whipped, I'm pretty sure it's me."

"I don't _whip_ you." Rik cackles and Elsa realises what she's just said. To cover it up, she says, "How did she know my name anyway?"

"People round here know the names of all the volunteers who say more than hello. So pretty much everyone except Udmund and Margarete." She obviously looks concerned because the thief adds, "I don't think anyone knows what you _do_ , Elle."

Elsa doesn't say anything. She's not sure that that _is_ what she's concerned about.

The truth is, she doesn't know how she feels about the rumours.

She likes Rik. Of that much, she is certain. She likes that Rik is about her height and is wiry and lean rather than well-built. She likes that they can have long debates about all sorts of issues – likes that there is no quarter given because she's the Queen – and that they can have light-hearted conversations. She likes the sight of not-quite-Arendelle features and a sunny grin that is cut, but not marred, by that strange scar and that accentuates those sparkling green eyes. She likes that Rik never judges her, no matter what Elsa says, but doesn't pull any punches when responding. She likes how their arms link together, or how their fingers twine together, or how there is any physical contact at all when it's only Anna, Kristoff, Gerda and Kai who aren't scared to touch the Queen, and she likes that Rik is patient when the physical contact freaks her out. She likes how Rik has the money – both from the sale of her dress and from some investments made since – to live somewhere nice in Arendelle and wear high-quality clothes but lives near the soup kitchen and wears plain, simple clothes. She likes Rik.

But liking someone feels a long way off from loving them. It's not as though she has much experience with these things – she might be more attached than she should be. Or she might be imagining things – she often feels as though Rik is watching her for something, though she isn't sure what, and she won't ask because God knows she has enough secrets that she can't pry into someone else's life. And even if she doesn't think about it, she knows that there's another question behind their relationship – is she doing everything she's doing for people or for Rik? She tells herself it's for people in general – after all, she came down here of her own accord, right? – but maybe she's subconsciously doing it because of Rik. How would she know?

The _old_ Elsa would barely have entertained the notion, past a few teenage daydreams. But that's not her so she _shouldn't_ be scared, or worried, or second guessing herself. She _shouldn't_ be uncertain. She's twenty-two after all – she should know if she has a crush or is in love, or simply likes someone. She sho-

"You alright, lady?"

She jumps. "Just thinking."

"Does it hurt?"

"Very funny," she says but she's smiling as she says it.

She likes the way Rik's chuckles or laughter is always unrestrained. Even Anna doesn't laugh quite like that because there's a small part of her that thinks that she's just a spare, someone to be seen and not heard.

"You know, you don't gotta listen to people. They just like a good story. Let's carry on the way we are and let 'em talk. We'll have the last laugh when we become famous musicians or something."

And that might be what she likes most about the once-thief. There's no pressure on Elsa to say or do anything. There's just patient waiting and the occasional joke in ill taste, until Elsa is ready to talk.

Her arm is around Rik as well, and she squeezes once, briefly, smiling as she does so. Just one of many small things the old Elsa would never have done. One of many things the _Queen_ won't do.

"Deal."

28) Hiding

"You know," Anna says, "you seem a lot … more these days."

Elsa waits for her to expand. When she doesn't, she says, "More what?"

Anna shrugs and looks out of Elsa's window. It's dark outside. After a few seconds, Anna looks back at her. "More _here_ , I guess. More … it's like … so after the Thaw, you were … I dunno, you weren't like you were before but you kinda changed from being really happy and stuff to … just being. Like you were going through the motions. I, I guess you were, from what you said that time you, uh, you said it. You know, when you said that you sometimes feel like you're just watching yourself, or that everything…" She trails off.

"But I'm not anymore?" Elsa says. She thinks she knows what Anna is talking about. It's hard for Anna to even suggest Elsa is fallible, even though they've had several nights where they've just opened up to each other (though only once as much as they did in the _conversation_ ), and Anna knows how close Elsa was to the edge just a year ago.

"I dunno. You are sometimes." She's still talking in a serious tone of voice and that hurts a little. The Anna she heard and saw before the Thaw was almost never serious. But the Anna she heard and saw before hadn't been betrayed or frozen. She hadn't realised that many of Elsa's days that she'd seen had been bad days. "But I just feel like you're more driven, you know? Like you've got somewhere to go to. And like you're seeing outside yourself. Not that you were selfish, you're like the opposite of selfish but I mean … your campaign to introduce more poor-friendly laws for example. Dad never really did more than keep the country going and you're trying to _change_ things for the better."

Now Elsa can only stare at her, not sure if she's being insulted or not.

Anna catches the look and blushes. "I don't mean that in a _bad_ way. I just feel like … imagine the whole freezing thing never happened. You'd have done what Dad did, wouldn't you? You wouldn't be pushing for more housing, or higher wages, or anything like that. You'd just let everything _be_."

"I didn't know you paid attention to the laws I try to pass."

Anna snorts. "Newsflash, sis – _everyone_ has heard about what you're trying to do. Half the population thinks you're trying to get rid of them and the rest of the population thinks that if you're gonna do things like this every time you freeze the country, then bring on another eternal winter." Elsa flinches at that but keeps her smile. "But that's not my point. It's … it's good for you."

"You really think that?" Elsa says. "That I've changed?"

Anna hesitates. "I dunno if you _changed_. Maybe this is who you've always been but now you actually get to _be_ it."

But that's not true. She was definitely someone else before. Even if she repressed things, she was someone who _chose_ to repress.

Just like every conversation they have, guilt lances through Elsa. She _should_ tell Anna about Rik and Elle and the Soup Kitchen and the docks. It feels ridiculous that Kristoff knows but Anna doesn't, or that she tells Rik about Anna but never tells Anna about Rik. But then she'll have to tell Anna about _being_ Elle and how it feels different to being the Queen or even being Anna's sister. And she'll have to tell Anna about the rumours when she doesn't have an answer herself.

If she has all of these split personalities, then is Anna right? Maybe she hasn't changed at all. Maybe she's just pretending to have changed.

Anna smiles at her and reaches across to loop an arm around Elsa before apparently changing her mind and pulling her into a hug. "You're overthinking it, sis," she says. She kisses Elsa's cheek. "You always do."

0(viii)) Honest

"I just don't see why _any_ rent control is necessary. We should be _boosting_ our economy, Majesty, not stifling it."

She can't believe they're still debating this. It's been months now. They already _have_ draft legislation.

"I agree, my lord," she says tightly. She can't lose patience. Not now. "But it shouldn't be at the expense of our people. There are men who sleep in alleys, my lord, women who sell their bodies for lodging, _children_ who literally lose fingers and toes because they have nowhere warm to sleep. I'm not asking men of business to stop making money: I'm asking that rents and lodging be set at reasonable, controlled levels, and that no building remains empty simply to raise value. I'm asking that money not be made at the expense of our children."

"If those people would just put in an honest day's work then they would have the money to afford the rent," Earl Voolf says. "It's in landlords' interests to _have_ tenants. Let the market regulate itself and encourage these people to stop lounging around and all will be well."

She remembers Earl Arnesen's words of so long ago. Why _does_ she let Earl Voolf speak to her the way he does? Why _can't_ she challenge him? After all, Elle challenged Prosper and Tove, and nothing bad happened there. She had that discussion with Viscount Giermund. She sort of challenged Earl Voolf a few weeks ago and that was sort of fine even if he spoke so much at the next meeting that she couldn't get a word in edgeways and she ended up conceding on-

Was that right for her to do, she suddenly wonders. Why should someone like Earl Voolf get his way by being loud and obnoxious but not men like Earl Arensen or Viscount Giermund, who speak to her calmly and reasonably?

If you don't stand up for your ideas, what's the point in having them at all?

"Have you, my lord?" she says.

Earl Voolf frowns. "Have I what?"

"Have you ever done an honest day's work?"

He looks affronted. "And what do you mean by that, your Majesty? I do not sit around idle."

"Your money comes from your father and your lands, my lord" she says. "You make investments and demand taxes from the people who work your lands. You've never spent a day on a ship, or in a shop, or serving other people. You've never had to worry about not having enough because your family made sure you always had enough. You _started_ from a better position than other people, my lord – it doesn't mean it's fair." She maintains eye contact as her mouth carries on, ice dripping from her tone because she's right, she's _right_ dammit and she knows his expression is offence at the perceived insult to himself rather than thinking about the people he's so casually condemning. "There are children down in the docks whose parents work jobs that don't pay enough money, whose friends can't read or write, who only know how to do their parents' jobs and nothing else, my lord. There are children who see people stealing and whoring and killing to make money, who do better than their parents. There are children who have bloodlines from far outside Arendelle, who nobody trusts because of something they have _no_ control over, who are restricted in who they can _marry_ – because my father, and his father before him, worked hard to close us off. To get to where _you_ are, my lord, they have to work three or four times as hard as you. An honest day's work alone is _not_ enough when the game is against them. So you tell me – have you done an honest day's work which is as hard as the honest day's work they have done? Or have you just sat around and argued against change because that would mean _you_ have to do something like work?"

Her hands are on the table now and she can see people flinch.

Closing her eyes, she counts to fifty by fives.

"Perhaps we should adjourn until tomorrow?" Marquess Elbert – always the voice of reason – suggests. Stiffly, she nods, and opens her eyes. This time, she sweeps out of the room first because she didn't do anything _wrong_ and she will _not_ sit there and watch that man sneer.

She gets about five minutes of peace in her office before some of her ministers sweep in to discuss proper methods of debating with the nobility. At no point in the discussion does she get the chance to say that, actually, that last speech was the first thing she's said all day that sounds like her, it was still more polite than Earl Voolf's method of speaking to her and it was still more lenient than her sainted father's way of dealing with the nobility.

29(.3?)) Identity

"Hey, hey, lady, you look set to kill someone."

She looks up in surprise. "Rik?"

"The one and only." The familiar grin turns into concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Um, Elle?"

"Hmm?"

"You're, ah, how can I put this? You're gonna go skating."

"I … huh?" Elsa looks down and, true enough, a small patch of ice is forming under her foot. She dismisses it quickly and looks around in case anyone saw, counting by fives as she does so to calm herself down. "Sorry. Thanks."

"Tough day?"

She blows air out. "Just … work."

 _Work_ is their code for Elsa being the Queen, even though she tries to keep talk about it to a minimum. Rik's a surprisingly good listener – better than Anna even, though only because Anna gets distracted easily. And maybe because there are some things that a thief understands better than a princess.

(But some things, only Anna will ever fully understand.)

They walk to a quieter area.

"So, spill," Rik says once they're satisfied that nobody is nearby. "What's up?"

"It's just … oh, I don't know. I'm trying to pass a … law. But many of the nobles just don't … they don't see past their own interests. Prosper's right. It's … how can people care more about _money_ than other people?" She blows out again. "I'm sure there's a compromise somewhere. But it shouldn't have to be this difficult."

"You know you can freeze entire countries, right? I don't know if you remember – summer about a year ago? We were all minding our own business and then there was a load of snow?" Something of her feelings must show on her face and in how she looks away, because there's a pause followed by, "Sorry. Guess that's still not something to joke about."

"It's … no. Not … I don't think that's ever going to be … I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it. But that's why I can't use my powers like that. I don't want to be a ruler who puts my own wishes first. I want to speak to people and check they're OK with what I'm doing and … and be _open_ about everything. I don't want any more closed doors. I want to stop lying. I don't want to _not_ be the Queen here or not be Elle there. I just want to be … me."

"Uh, aren't you always you?"

"I don't know," she says and it's funny because even though she's been thinking it for ages, she doesn't think she's ever admitted it in this way before. She feels herself reach for Rik's hand. Because she needs the support, she thinks, as she laces their fingers together. "It's just, I was Elsa before I froze everything but I don't want to be _her_ anymore because … because why would I? But then I don't know … how much of her shouldn't I be?" She can feel it all spilling out now but she can't stop it. She doesn't know that she wants to. "I kind of want to be who I was when I was on the North Mountain but she was someone who _ran_ from all of her problems and froze her own sister so I definitely can't be her. I'm not Elle because I've had nothing of Elle's life. I've never gone hungry and I've certainly never had to worry about money, or being attacked outside … the freezing. And even if I pretend to have her freedom, I _don't_ have that freedom and I have to face my responsibilities. But the Queen seems so … constrained and formal and uncaring and neutral and … and I just don't know who I am now."

For about half a minute, there is only silence.

"I know how you feel."

"You … what?"

"D'you remember what I said back when you first came to the Soup Kitchen? How Borni took one look at you and thought you were leaving an abusive partner?" Elsa nods. "She's not the only one down there who thinks that." Rik lets go of her hand, sunny grin thin now. Slender fingers trace that scar that always cuts through it. "Borni said to me, when she asked about what happened to _me_ , that once it's happened to you, you can often recognise it in almost anyone else. And like most things she says, she was right."

"You-"

"'S a few years back now. Maybe about three before you froze everything. I was young and stupid and … you know the proper stupid thing actually? This scar wasn't even the first one I got off her but I stayed with her anyway. Convinced myself that when she said sorry, she meant it because what sorta person _wouldn't_ feel sick at doing _this_ to someone?"

"Oh, God, Rik, I'm so sorry."

"What're _you_ sorry for? _Your_ guards caught her a few years back, trying it on someone else. But that's why, what you said about not being sure who you are … I get it. 'Cause when I finally got myself outta that, it was like everything I was, was gone. She'd cut it all away." Rik's fingers trace that scar again and there's definitely no hint of a smile there. If anything, the thief looks lost. "And I was left with all these _fragments_ of myself that didn't make sense together – I wasn't the way I'd been when I was a kid, and I _was_ on the streets again but I wasn't all cocky with my mates behind me 'cause I knew better now. I wasn't respectable. My ma had died and my pa could be anywhere now so I wasn't their kid really either. And I didn't wanna be a victim anymore so… I just flitted. It was like putting on different clothes – you know how wearing something different makes you _feel_ different and that makes you talk different and act different?"

Elsa strokes the thin, itchy fabric of Elle's dress and thinks of the moments on the North Mountain when she threw her crown away and changed her dress. "I know."

"Yeah. Well. It was like that for ages. 'Cause everything was new as well and I'd been with _someone_ for so long that being alone was hard. Maybe you get the same feeling if it's the other way round, like you were? Alone, I mean, and then suddenly with people? Anyway, all these routines and people and surroundings I knew were gone and … it felt like all I did every day was change clothes, trying to wear the right thing for the right situation without even knowing _what_ you're meant to wear for those situations, just knowing I had to wear _something_. Then I kept, I dunno, repeating outfits. Like, acting the way that made me most comfortable, but trying it in different situations. So now it feels more like I've got the right outfit 'cause I'm kinda used to it now. Though it doesn't always feel like it fits…" Rik chuckles and the lost expression disappears. "Anyway, I've turned the mood proper dour now, haven't I?"

"No, no, I think I did that." Elsa smiles slightly to ease the tension but it fades as she turns Rik's words over in her mind. "That's a … I can't believe that happened to you."

"It's always the people you least expect. Says Borni anyway. Thank you, by the way."

"For what?"

"For not commenting on the fact that the person who gave me this scar's a woman."

Elsa looks at her friend carefully, wondering what the meaning behind that is. "It didn't even occur to me," she says, which isn't quite true but feels like the right answer. "But what you said about the fragments and the clothes makes sense. Though I'm not sure I have quite the same excuse. Well, not an excuse but … you had every reason to feel like that and I don't. My parents never hurt me."

Rik seems to study her for a few seconds and then finally, slowly, says, "Know Udmund? Know how he always follows Prosper around?" She nods. "You know that Prosper found him about to jump off the building about two streets north of the Kitchen?" She nods again. "He hated himself. Thought he was stupid, worthless, useless, all that. He was too terrified to speak to anyone at first. Even now, he only speaks if he thinks he's not gonna sound completely stupid, and only to certain people." Rik pauses. "He's never been hit, not once. But his ex just _ground_ him down, constantly talking him down, spilling poison into his ears till one day…"

There's something in Rik's expression that reminds her of when they first met. How a jocular _anyone ever tell you that you're crazy_ was just a reminder of feelings she still battles: dull, grey feelings and walls of ice between her and everyone else; of isolation in crowds and being overwhelmed in isolation; of _wouldn't everyone be happier if I just wasn't here?_

And for the first time, she wonders: if her parents hadn't died; if Anna hadn't met Hans; if Hans hadn't dragged her back for Anna to save her … what would Elsa have done? Would she have accepted her powers the way she does now? Or would she eventually have destroyed herself?

It's a sobering thought.

"I've probably gone too dramatic now," Rik says and she snaps to attention. "But, you know, both Elle _and_ the Queen are trying to help people here. And both Elle and the Queen like chocolate. And neither of them gave an expensive dress to a mugger in an alleyway all that time ago."

She nods. "I guess." But she can't stop thinking about what Rik said – about how people recognise each other; about how Udmund hated himself so much, he tried to end it all. "Is … is that why you keep talking to me? Because you think I was … hurt."

"You really think that?"

"I … I guess not," she says. "Maybe?"

"It's not. That's why _other_ people think I talk to you. 'S why they think you donated the money actually. But you and I know that's not why you did it. And I got my own reasons for talking to you. Apart from you volunteering of course."

She smiles and she hopes that covers the absurd relief that floods through her. "I'm glad." A wind blows past and she realises how late in the day it is. "I should probably head back. Thanks for listening to me and … well, for everything. You're a good friend."

"Any time." As they start to walk back onto the main street, Rik says, "Outta interest, is _that_ why you won't tell anyone it was _you_ who gave me the money? 'Cause you've felt like Elle needs to be kept separate from everyone else? Like a different outfit for different people?"

She frowns. For some reason, she thought Rik would be the one person who she wouldn't have to explain this to. "Partly. I also like the peace I get when I'm Elle, and at this point, there are all sorts of conflict of interest issues and general appearance issues if I tell people I'm... Anyway, that's not the point. If you hadn't told everyone in the Kitchen that Elle gave you the dress, I'd never have said anything about it being Elle or the Queen because … well, it's not _my_ idea or my soup kitchen. It's yours. I didn't want one small act to dominate that and I _definitely_ don't want people to give the Queen credit she doesn't deserve. The Kitchen's there for people. The Queen being the first donor will just overshadow it."

"That's true. I guess." But Rik's frowning.

They walk in silence for a few seconds longer. Elsa glances at the castle in the distance and sighs.

"I hope you've got something good planned for the evening," she says. " _I've_ got to think of a way to apologise for suggesting Earl Voolf sits around idly all day, even though I suspect he might, and then convince him that this rent control law is a good idea. If this is his reaction to rent control, he is going to have a fit when he learns what Earl Arnesen and I are planning for health care…" She is smiling at the mimicry of Earl Voolf's outrage which Earl Arnesen made when they first thought of the idea, but Rik's expression makes her pause. "What? What is it? You're staring at me like you've had a sudden realisation and it's starting to freak me out."

"It's just you … you really care, don't you? This isn't an escape for you or a passing interest. You're actually trying to change things. Everything down here _matters_ to you."

"Huh? Of course I am." She's actually a little offended, even though she's had the same thought herself once or twice. "Did you seriously think I'm doing all of this because I'm some poor little rich girl? Like it's a story where I don't appreciate what I have? Because I do _not_ get enough of a kick to put up with Earl Voolf's complaints, I can tell you that now. Well, I can't say I get a-"

She's cut off, rather effectively, by arms wrapping around her in what she would think is a hug if it weren't for the lips that press to hers and she's so surprised that she just stands there. Nearby, someone whistles.

When the kiss is broken and the arms are unwrapped, she puts her fingers to her lips. "Rik, d-did you just-"

But Rik seems equally stunned and, before she can finish her sentence, has turned and run away.


	4. D) Stitches

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Frozen_**

 ** _Review reply to guest:_** cheers.

 **A/n:** Well, I was right - last couple of days _were_ hectic. But there, I got out before 930 today and actually cooked at home so upsides to everything. Anyhow, thanks for reading along, if you're still here, and hope you enjoy. And hello to the person from the Bahamas. I reckon that would be a fun place to visit. _Plus_ , Merry Christmas to those who celebrate Christmas today, or happy Ivanovden if you're Bulgarian.

 _ **D) Stitches**_

30.3) Knocks

Anna knocks on her door. She knows it's Anna because Anna has this _way_ of knocking that hasn't changed since she was five. For a second, Elsa hesitates but if she doesn't answer, Anna will think there's something wrong and there isn't. There isn't. There really isn't.

So she shouts for Anna to come in and even though it's dark and Elsa has a smile pasted on her face, Anna is not fooled for a second. Immediately, she is by her side, pulling Elsa into a hug. Elsa relaxes into it. She didn't realise how much she needed it.

"What's up?" Anna asks. Her voice is neutral – maybe even cheerful – and Elsa can't help marvelling at how grown up Anna is now. "It's not that earl is it?"

"You heard about that?"

"Yup. Did you really tell him he's never done an honest day's work in his life?"

"Kind of," she says and Anna laughs. "I'll apologise tomorrow. Well, I won't but I'll make it sound like a misunderstanding or something. Though how anyone could misunderstand what I said, I don't know."

"So what _is_ bothering you? It's obviously not that 'cause it doesn't sound like you care much."

She opens her mouth and then closes it. It just seems so _big_ and she really needs to focus on everything and, OK, maybe she's a little scared but she's allowed to be, isn't she?

"Could we … maybe tomorrow? I just … I need to think. I think."

Hurt flashes across Anna's face but she swallows it quickly. Maybe Elsa's not the only one who hides parts of herself.

"Sure," Anna says. "Whatever you want."

Elsa hugs her. It's something she doesn't do enough of, she thinks.

"Thanks, Anna. I love you."

She can feel something in Anna soften as she says, "I love you too, sis."

30.5) OK

She goes back to the city after her meeting, dressed as Elle. It might be dangerous but she thinks she can duck away if she spots Rik. She wants to think before she talks to Anna and it feels, more and more, like she can mainly do that when she's not the Queen. Since the Queen just seems to mess everything up.

If she uses Rik's clothes analogy, that suggests she'd be happier as Elle. But, freeing as it is to be her, Elle makes her feel powerless and a coward, hiding from her responsibilities, pretending she didn't freeze the country. As the Queen, she can _do_ things (or she can in theory). She can _fight_ for people. More and more, she thinks that's who she wants to be: a fighter. Even if being polite and courteous to people like Earl Voolf leaves a bad taste in her mouth. If she could just pull herself together, she _could_ do it.

She rounds a corner and nearly walks straight into Udmund. She hasn't had many conversations with him in the months she's known him – he only really talks to Borni, Prosper and Rik. She'd always thought of him as shy but now she remembers what Rik said about him.

Udmund looks as surprised to see Elsa as Elsa is to see him.

"Sorry," Elsa says.

When he doesn't say anything, she gives him a small wave and starts to step around him. But as she draws level with him, he says, "Not coming to the Kitchen?"

He sleeps in a safe house, Elsa remembers. A project that Borni thought of, which Rik helps with. Elsa hasn't because it requires more time than a couple of hours with soup. She'd never thought much before about why Borni would want to do it, nor why Udmund would sleep there. In the back of her mind, she supposes she assumed it was so that they could keep an eye on him. Stop him from leaping off any more buildings.

As though that's a side concern.

"No," she says. "Not today."

"Rik is there."

She _knows_ her face has turned red but all she says is, "Even so."

He reaches out awkwardly and clasps her shoulder. "It'll be OK," he says. "Take your time."

She doesn't hug him but she wants to.

31) Naked

She seeks Anna out rather than make Anna come to her. Anna would, eventually. Despite Elsa being the older sister, Anna tends to be the one who comforts Elsa. Though maybe Elsa's imagining that.

For a short while, the sisters make small talk. Anna congratulates Elsa on not mortally offending Earl Voolf today. Elsa asks about her latest adventures. It feels almost normal.

But Anna is sharper than people think and, when Elsa is mostly relaxed, says, "So, what was bugging you yesterday, if it wasn't Carsten?"

Elsa looks at her for a few seconds, trying to summon the courage she thinks she has when she's the Queen or maybe even when she's Elle. But the best she can manage is: "It's complicated."

"How so?"

"It's … well … have you ever…"

"Elsa?"

"I'm sorry it's … I just… It's stupid."

"No, it isn't."

"How would you know?"

"I know you, sis. It's not stupid. What's up?"

What can she do in the face of such acceptance except take a breath and try again? "Anna," she says, "Have you ever felt like you don't know who you are?"

"No?" Anna frowns, confused, as Elsa's heart sinks. "I dunno, what d'you mean? I usually just think I'm, you know, Anna. Though sometimes I like to imagine I'm a superhero."

She wonders if it's that lack of certainty that makes her look lost.

"Ever since the Thaw," she says slowly, trying to find the right words, "the only thing about myself that I've been sure of is that I don't want to be the person I was before." Anna still looks confused. "I don't want to be someone who hides from everyone," she says, trying to explain. "I don't want to be the person who runs away from her problems, who locks herself away in her room, who … who's so damn _scared_ of everyone. I don't want to be the person everyone is scared _of_." She tries to stop, to calm down, to count by fives but instead hears herself say, "I don't want to ignore people either, Anna. I don't want to be removed from everything or keep doing the _same_ damn thing every day. I don't want to look around and think maybe it would be better for everyone if I…" She trails off because this is getting dangerously close to the _conversation_ , and there is a difference between opening doors and opening wounds. "I just don't want to be _her_."

Anna blinks and about fifteen different emotions flit over her face. "Then who do you want to be?"

"I don't know!" She clenches her fists, feeling snow drop onto her shoulders. "I don't know," she says again, calmer. "It feels … it feels like there's nobody else I _can_ be. Everything I do just feels fake. Like when I'm speaking to nobles, or hearing petitions, I'm always distant from them. I'm always trying to be there for everyone, and trying not to offend anyone. I'm always locking my hands behind my back. I'm always trying to be like our father and just rule the damn country without anyone getting hurt. It feels like I'm just _acting_ like the Queen is supposed to. And then when I try to do _something_ that feels like I'm not faking it – like actually improve the damn country – I get told to start acting like the Queen again."

Silent seconds tick by.

"Elsa," Anna says slowly, "is there anything about yourself that you _like_?"

"Huh?"

"What, uh, what d'you like about yourself?"

They've had this conversation, or something like it, before. Anna obviously thinks this is important if she wants to relive it, even if she can barely get the words out.

"I … I care," she says, trying to think, trying to get words out herself. "I work hard. And I'm willing to make sacrifices."

"That's it?" Anna hesitates and then says, "D'you ever think … d'you ever think that if Mom and Dad hadn't died, you'd…"

Anna doesn't finish but she doesn't have to.

"No," Elsa says, pushing away that she was asking herself just yesterday what she would have done had her parents lived. "They wouldn't … it wasn't them. They'd have stopped me. This is what I mean about who I used to be. I had a loving family, clothes, food, money, power and I still couldn't … I was too _stupid_ to appreciate it."

"Appreciate it? Appreciate _what_? Being locked in your room for ten years? Being told you were too dangerous to be let anywhere near me? Being told not to _feel_?" She's not smiling and it's weird.

"At least I had people to _do_ that for me. A place to live. At least I was _safe_. If I'd just realised-"

"Seriously? You … you're seriously going to blame everything that happened on _you_? 'Cause that's definitely something the old Elsa would do."

For some reason, that stings.

"I take blame where it's due."

"Then don't take it where it isn't. Elsa, I love you and think you're smart and everything but how can you … how can you not see that if you hate who you were so much, _something_ went wrong? Something our _parents_ did."

"Anna-"

"No, Elsa, listen to me. I love them. I do. I really do. But you … God, they did a number on you." She pauses but from her tone of voice, Elsa can tell that this is something she has been thinking about for some time. Funny. There was a time after the Thaw when Elsa thought Anna would tell her everything. "On both of us. 'Cause that's true, isn't it? I was so desperate to leave here, I literally tried to marry the first man I met."

"They ignored you. That's diff-"

"Stop making excuses for everyone. You're not the only one who gets to be guilty." Anna bites her lip and blinks rapidly. "You can't be responsible for the whole world, sis. You just can't." And then, even softer, "They hurt you. You have to see that."

They look at each other for about a minute. And then something in Elsa breaks.

She says, "Rik thinks the same."

"OK, well that's what I … wait, what? Who's Rik?"

"Runs the soup kitchen down in the docks."

"Right. OK. And you two know each other because…"

"I volunteer there."

"You … what?"

"I volunteer there. In disguise. At least once a week."

Although she doesn't know if that's strictly true after what happened with Rik. Because if they never speak again, can she really continue to volunteer there?

Anna is staring at her. "Sorry, I could've sworn you said you volunteer at a soup kitchen while in disguise."

"I do," Elsa says.

"So is _that_ why you're so into making these laws?" Anna pauses. "That came out wrong. I'm just having a hard time picturing … I mean … _why_ do you … how did you even get it into your head to do that? Did you just go down one day and sign up? Like a ninja?"

"A ninja?"

"Stop stalling!"

Elsa smiles slightly, which makes Anna smile a little. "Fine," she says. "It's a bit of a long story but do you know how the Soup Kitchen got started?"

Anna nods. "The owner – Rik, I'm guessing – got a huge investment off some lady who liked the sound of it, right?" She pauses. "Wait, was that _you_?"

"Yes. No. Sort of. I _did_ give Rik the money but not to start a soup kitchen. You remember when Alena got mad at me because I lost my dress in a river?" Anna grins and nods. "That was a lie. The first time I went into the city in disguise, Rik tried to mug me. Obviously that failed but we started talking. I gave away the dress on the proviso that any money obtained from its sale would be used to buy food. As in bread, vegetables, dinner, that sort of thing – I didn't mean start a soup kitchen. I actually only found out about it when I went back to the docks a couple of months later – which is when Rik decided to tell everyone I donated the start-up money."

Anna considers this for a few seconds. "So you _didn't_ go skinny dipping?" she says.

"What?"

"'Cause I heard you did."

"…I'm sorry, I'm confused. You find the idea of me dressing in disguise and volunteering in a soup kitchen weird but the idea of me skinny dipping in the middle of Arendelle is perfectly believable? Seriously?"

"Well, you are _kinda_ weird and cold is your thing so…" She grins at Elsa's outrage. "I'm joking. You're not _that_ weird, I guess. Not like me, I'm definitely weird. Anyway," she says as Elsa bites back a smile, "that's not the point. I just … OK. So you go into the city in disguise and … hold on." She frowns. Even though it's been a year, Elsa still finds the sight of a frown on Anna's face disconcerting. "How'd that start then? You said you got mugged while you were in disguise."

Now Elsa blushes. "I, uh, I wanted to go out and see the city. Leave the castle for once. But when I did it as the Queen, everyone was uncomfortable around me so I decided to go in disguise. And then … it goes back to what I said before. I just felt so different as Elle. It let me be someone else – so I did it again. But even _that_ feels fake. I'm still lying and watching my words as Elle." She sighs. "Anyway. That's it, I guess. I jus-"

"Hang on, what did Rik _say_?"

"Huh?"

"You said Rik agreed with me. About our parents."

"Oh. Yes." She thinks back to that conversation yesterday. "Apparently a few of the people who know Elle agree with you actually. Which I think is probably an exaggeration but…" She shrugs. "We were just talking about how I don't feel like … anyway. Apparently Rik felt the same way after leaving an abusive relationship." Before Anna can open her mouth, she adds, " _Physically_ abusive. Rik has scars, Anna. I don't."

"Oh, c'mon, like that makes any difference? You have scars, Elsa."

"No, I-"

"You have days where you fight to stop yourself from hurting or killing yourself. How is that not a scar?"

It's out and neither of them can take it back. But Anna doesn't look like she wants to take it back. She's looking at Elsa with defiance plain on her face.

She gets so wrapped up in herself, she forgets how much Anna watches her, terrified of losing the sister she only regained last year: a terror that has only grown since the _conversation_.

"That's not … I don't … everyone has bad days."

She snorts. "Sure. But you'll notice most of us don't go through them _actually_ wanting to jump off a building."

She starts. "What did you say?"

"That most of us go through bad days without wanting to jump off … Elsa, are you OK? You're shaking."

She's more than shaking. She has to count to five hundred by fives to stop herself from freezing something.

"Elsa, I'm sorry." She vaguely registers Anna's hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean … I'm so stupid sometimes. I should have just-"

"Udmund tried to jump off a building."

"Udmund?"

"He's a volunteer at the kitchen. He…"

She can't bring herself to repeat what Rik said. That Udmund has never once in his life been physically injured. That he was ground down until one day…

She's fine. She is. She really is. She didn't have someone spilling poison into her ears all day. She just has to _be_ better. She just has to stop messing around and pick an outfit.

"Never mind," she says.

They sit for a minute, watching the re-opened wound bleed out into empty silence.

"Anyway," Elsa says in too loud a voice, "Rik said it feels a bit like trying different outfits on. You act differently depending on what you're wearing. And that makes some sense. I _am_ different when I'm the Queen and when I'm Elle. So maybe that's the answer."

"OK," Anna says in a tone that's clearly designed to humour her. "But when you're alone in your room – no me, no Rik, no Earl Voolf or whoever – how d'you act?"

"What?"

"How d'you act when you're alone? I mean, like, for me, it's not different to how I act with everyone else except sometimes I like to dance around my room naked and-"

" _That's_ an image I didn't need," she says, forcing levity into her voice.

"Oh, c'mon, everyone does it."

" _I_ don't."

"Good. Start there. Apart from not dancing around your room naked, what else d'you do when you're alone?"

"What? I don't know. I guess I read? Sleep. I practice using my powers. I work – write papers, plan speeches, think my way through problems. I worry." She tries to grin to show it's a joke but the look Anna gives her shows that they both know it's not really a joke. "I just get on with things and try not to dwell too much."

Anna nods. "So maybe that's what you're like when you're naked."

"Anna, seriously, this is the _third_ time you've mentioned nudity. Are you and Kr-"

" _OK_ , let's not go there. I was _using_ Rik's clothes analogy. If Elle and the Queen are outfits then you've gotta be naked at some point – that's gotta be when you're in your room, right? When you're alone. And that's who _you_ are. The outfits just add colour to your body – and, you know, stop you from giving people nightmares. Not that _you_ would give people nightmares. I mean, I wouldn't know but I _imagine_ – actually, I don't! I really don't and … what was I saying again?"

Elsa chuckles and Anna grins ruefully. "You're saying that acting like Elle and acting like the Queen is just adding to who _I_ am. Which makes sense but I still don't know who that is. I don't feel like I'm much of anybody when I'm alone."

"Right, right, but you know how you get clothes that suit you and clothes that don't? And then you get outfits you prefer. So there's gotta be something about you in each outfit, right? So there've gotta be parts of you in all of the, uh, outfits you put on. Or something about you that makes them look good anyway."

"Do you want to drop the clothes analogy?"

"No, no, I'm getting the hang of it now, I think. Anyway, maybe the way to find an outfit that _really_ suits who you are is to mix them up and see what works? Like, go to your next meeting with your ministers as Elle. Or go down to the city as the Queen." She pauses. "So which one are you now?"

"Huh?"

"Well, you're not being the Queen _or_ Elle and – this is really weird by the way, like you have multiple personalities or something."

"I guess I'm your sister? I don't know. Anna, you can't ask me who I am when the point of my dilemma is that I don't know."

"Well, if you're gonna use that as an excuse not to answer…" She smiles at Elsa's outraged expression. "But seriously, maybe that's the answer."

"I _can't_ go into the city dressed as the Queen _now_. That's why-"

"Maybe not _dress_ but bring elements of her into it. You can't be _completely_ different. So maybe that'll help. 'Cause there've gotta be parts in common – like how you're trying to help with poverty whichever one you're acting like."

"Rik said something like that as well – that there are some things I do as both Elle and the Queen and then some things I do when I'm not acting as either of them."

"See. Two of us means it's a _brilliant_ idea." She pauses as something occurs to her. "Elsa, it sounds like you've been having a lot of in-depth conversations with this Rik. Who … like, who _is_ Rik to you?"

"My friend," she says immediately. But then she remembers. "I don't know," she says. "I thought we were just friends but…"

"But? Oh!" Anna peers at Elsa. "Did … the two of you … are you two…"

"I don't know. Rik kissed me yesterday and I just stood there."

Elsa nearly laughs because Anna looks more appalled by this than anything else she's heard in this conversation. "You just _stood_ there?"

"I didn't know it was going to happen! It's not as though I woke up and thought, _today I'm going to have my first kiss_. I was just so surprised! There wasn't even any build-up. I was talking about having to think of a way to apologise to Earl Voolf for God's sake. Who takes _that_ as a romantic lead-in?"

Anna laughs. "Still better than Kristoff. His idea of romance is … interesting." She shuffles closer to Elsa. "Your first kiss, huh?" Elsa nods. "D'you want there to be a second?"

And this, more than anything, is what she loves the most about her little sister. Anna doesn't question who Rik is or isn't, or whether their being together is right or wrong. She doesn't point out that Elsa could never marry the thief. She just asks what _Elsa_ wants.

Elsa smiles at her sister, wanting all of the love she feels right now to pour out and wash over her. "I don't know," she says. "I didn't … OK, that's not true. There have been rumours for months that we're together. And Rik's nice. Someone I can trust. We have a lot of conversations about all sorts of things. And I wondered … sometimes … if Rik maybe … or if I maybe… Because when I'm with Rik, I'm happy and I almost feel sure of myself, and sometimes I think of…" She can feel her cheeks warm as she cuts herself off. "How did you know, Anna? Was it … did you look at Kristoff and think…"

"Not immediately. But I remember seeing him and thinking he actually looked quite handsome. And he was kinda funny, and smart, and maybe a little annoying and irritable but in a _good_ way. It just felt _right_ , you know?" She smiles. "Maybe you should go to bed and sleep on it. But I think you _know_ how you feel about this Rik. And I think, deep down, you do know who you are. You just don't realise it yet."

"That's annoyingly vague advice," Elsa complains but then she smiles. "Thanks for listening, Anna. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about any of this. I should have but-"

Anna holds up a hand. "You told me when the time was right, sis. It's cool. But if you _do_ get together with your thief-cook friend, I wanna see the pair of you together. You make a cute pair in my head."

"You don't even know what Rik _looks_ like."

Anna laughs. "And I'm only going to be disappointed when I finally find out. G'night, Elsa."

Elsa smiles. "Night, Anna."

32) Change

Somehow, it's always cold on the North Mountain, even in summer. But on summer days, the view from the top is enough to take your breath away.

Marshmallow is looking at that view when Elsa arrives. He turns and waves one clunky hand at her, before returning to the view. She walks over and stands next to him.

"What's it like there?" he asks.

She looks at the city. "You want to go?"

"I want to know."

"It's … it's a mixture of everything, really. Jealousy, anger, hatred, shouting, fear. But there's wonder and friendship and laughter there too." She looks at Marshmallow and feels a mixture of guilt and pity. "Maybe you should come."

But he shakes his head.

"You sure?"

"This is my place."

"Are you scared, Marshmallow?" She can see the scowl deepen on that scowling face. "Of what's down there, I mean? I know you're happy up here but-"

"That is not my place." He looks back at the city. "I should be here. Stay away from people."

"Why?"

For a second, when he looks at her, she's sure he's thinking, _Because you made me that way. Because you made it so I would hate everyone and everything, and crave solitude_.

"Because I could hurt them."

She's so surprised, she can only say, "But you wouldn't."

"I wouldn't?"

"Would you?"

"Don't know." He takes one more look at the city and then turns back to her. "Don't want to know."

"You don't hurt me."

His mouth twitches in what she recognises as a smile. "I couldn't. But they aren't you."

"Have you _always_ been scared of hurting them?" He shakes his head and her breath catches. She says, "When did you start to be scared?"

He shrugs. "Hurting people is wrong. Olaf told me that. You told me that."

She looks at him then, really looks at him.

"Marshmallow," she says, "do you ever feel like you don't know who you are?"

For a few seconds, Marshmallow looks away, at Arendelle. Then he looks back at her.

"Yes." He seems to recognise that this requires further elaboration because he adds, "I don't know who to hate. I don't know what to guard. I want to be alone and I want to be there." He points to Arendelle. "I don't know."

"I'm sorry," she says.

He just looks at her. "Why?"

"I … I did this."

Because all of this confusion, everything he was and everything he thinks he might be now, those are all from her. She made him one way and then told him he should behave another. She made him fall apart.

He shrugs. "Maybe. But." He looks out towards Arendelle. "How do you know? Who you are?" he says.

"I don't know," she says. "I wish I did. Rik says it's about changing your outfit and Anna says it's about being who you are under your clothes, finding the outfit that suits your body."

Marshmallow seems to frown. "I don't have clothes."

"Do you want any?"

"I don't know."

She hesitates and then shrugs out of her cloak. "Do you want this? Or I could make you an ic-"

But Marshmallow has already plucked the cloak from her hands and is inspecting it. "It looks good." He glances again at the window. "If I wore it, would people like…"

Her breath catches in her throat. "Yes," she says, voice husky. "They'd love you. But they'd love you whatever you looked like."

He smiles. "Then one day. One day I will be strong. I won't hurt anyone. I will be careful." That strange smile widens. "Will you be there with me?"

"Yes. Of course I will." She walks forwards and wraps her arms around Marshmallow's leg, burying her face into the cold snow there. "You've changed so much by yourself and it's all so confusing for you and you've had to do it alone and I'm sorry."

A giant hand gently touches her back. "You're always sorry," he says. "You don't need to be. I'm happy."

33) Settle

She is walking to the library, through the grounds, when she passes Earl Arnesen. For a moment, she feels horribly guilty, even though she _isn't_ sneaking into the city. She should but she can't. She just can't. And that makes her feel even worse because if she can't help without Rik, then was she ever trying to help? Why was she even volunteering?

"I'm not ambushing you, Majesty," he says as she stops. "Especially not after your telling Carsten that everything was a misunderstanding and his work is honest, if not strenuous, at the meeting last week." His eyes are laughing. "I was making use of your stables because my betrothed is waiting for me nearby."

"That's fine," she says. "Wait, do I let nobles use my stables?"

"You've never said you _don't_."

"Fine," she says and he laughs. She laughs as well though at the back of her mind, she wonders whether she should be offended. But Oddfrid Arnesen wouldn't try to manipulate her. She thinks. To distract herself, she says, "You're betrothed to Baronness Hildry, right?"

"Yes, Majesty. Wedding's in about three months." He pauses. "I did invite you, didn't I?"

She gives him a curious look. "I think so. But do you _want_ me to come?"

"Is there a reason I shouldn't?"

"I don't know. I usually get the impression that nobles invite me because they think they should. Not that I don't want to come but isn't it a bit like inviting your mother to a party with your friends?"

He laughs at that, thankfully – he's not one for following all social conventions, and she's learnt from all of their extra meetings and conversations that he actually likes her wry observations on court life. "I can't comment on everyone else's motives but I'm secretly hoping for a return invite for when you get married. Yours will be fancier than mine."

It aches, a little, the idea of her marriage. Because she has to marry someone who isn't-

"So, Baronness Hildry," she says loudly. "I don't think I know her well."

"I'm not surprised, your Majesty. Her family's new money. Quite junior, in terms of nobility, I suppose."

"If I remember your father, I imagine he-"

"He did. Very loudly. But I love her, which is more than most of my peers can say about their partners. There are so many things you have to settle for in life that why should love be one of them?" He looks at her. "But you know all about that, don't you?"

"Huh? W-what do you-"

"You and your sister, I mean. After what you went through-"

"What do you mean?" she says and this time, her voice is cold. He flinches.

"I just mean … it's rumours perhaps, Majesty. But you…" He hesitates, but he is nothing if not forthright and immune to the criticism of others. "It's no secret that your father kept the doors closed and you relatively hidden, or that your sister was seduced by the first stranger she met." He doesn't stop looking at her as he says, "And everyone saw you two before and after. It's not hard to guess that you stayed away from her for her sake and it didn't end well." When she tries to think of a response, his expression softens, and he says, "Are you OK, Majesty? Only, you look lost."

"Lost?"

"Yes," he says. "You, uh, you do it sometimes. It's like you're lonely. Lonely and being pulled in a hundred different directions and you don't know which way to go." He looks around, seemingly remembering where they are. "I'm sorry, I-"

"No," she says. "It's funny. A friend of mine said the exact same thing, the first time we met. I didn't think it was something I…"

She doesn't know how to finish that – doesn't even know why she brought up Rik – but Earl Arnesen says, "It happens less these days, Majesty. Every time there's a meeting, you're more … I don't know. You have a purpose, Majesty, and you're composed but you're not cold. You're calm but you're not emotionless." He looks as though he thinks he should shut up, but then says, "If you don't mind me saying, it suits you. And it makes you better at what you're doing." He smiles slightly. "I can tell because Carsten is less composed at every meeting. He's a good standard to measure by."

She considers him for a few seconds. There is no malice in his tone, no smugness in his expression. Just kind eyes and a cheerful grin.

She says, "You donate to that soup kitchen in the docks, don't you?"

"I … uh, what? How did you … spies, I guess? Majesty."

She smiles. "Actually, it was a hunch. Which you just confirmed."

"Huh." He blinks. "Well, looks like I gave myself away then. Yes, I do."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you donate?"

He shrugs. "You don't need a reason to help people."

She considers him for a moment. "When's your wedding again?"

"Uh, three months away. If you don't mind me asking, are you OK? Only, you've switched topics twice in the last minute."

She smiles. "I'm fine. Just getting my thoughts in order. My lord, I'd be honoured to go to your wedding."

He smiles at her, and it's a genuine smile, not a smug smile. It's a strange thing to realise that he _likes_ her. They've become friends of a sort, somehow, and she's not even noticed. "That's great. Do you want to bring a guest? We've already invited your sister so she doesn't count. Unless she's not coming, in which case she does."

She thinks, absurdly, of Rik, and the tingle of the thief's fingers, entwined around hers, and the solidness of those bony shoulders when she rests her head on them. And then of course, she thinks about-

"If you've invited Anna, she'll be going, and she'll make Kristoff go with her. No," she says, her voice catching slightly. "I think I'll be alone for this one."

He looks around and then, astonishingly, defying all social convention, walks up to her, takes her hand and squeezes it.

"OK, Majesty. But if you think of someone, let me know." He hesitates and adds, "Whoever it is you want to bring, it won't be settling. Not at our wedding. And to hell with anyone who thinks it is." He lets go of her hand. "See you at the next meeting, Majesty."

34) Home

"Elle? You came back!"

Elsa smiles at Borni as she steps into the familiar surroundings of the Soup Kitchen. "Sorry I'm late."

"I thought you weren't coming."

"So did I but … something a friend said made me think…" She shrugs. "You really thought I wouldn't return?"

"From what Rik said, I doubted it. Must have been pretty bad for you two to argue like that, huh?"

She's a little surprised that Rik hasn't told Borni why she was actually staying away. "Well, you'll notice that I waited until Rik was occupied before I came in," she says dryly. She makes herself smile again, trying not to think about- "I'm sorry, I should have come earlier but I … I've had a lot on my mind recently and I needed some time to think."

"About Rik?"

She tries not to blush as she says, "Among other things."

Maybe she shouldn't be in the city. She doesn't know that she's ready to face Rik. But she can think better when she's Elle. And besides, Earl Arnesen is right. She doesn't need – and never _has_ needed – Rik to help people. She came because she wanted to help. That's the only reason she ever needed before.

Borni nods. "Well, get your apron on then. And Rik's doing money stuff upstairs with Udmund so you're, uh, safe."

Elsa obeys and for a couple of hours, focuses only on serving soup. Some people in the Kitchen she's seen often (and she knows a few are abusing Rik's goodwill) and some are new. A few volunteer themselves or do odd jobs for Rik to say thank you. The building itself has had work done by grateful patrons. She's sometimes still amazed that the Kitchen has enough funds, even though she knows Udmund provides Rik with investment advice, hailing from the job he had before he escaped his partner, and that people like Earl Arnesen donate.

She's surprised that nearly all of the patrons she recognises, and the volunteers, say something about how happy they are to see her. Emboldened, she asks after friends and family of theirs that she knows of. It's easy, when she's Elle. Surely it can be easy when she's the Queen? Or when she's Elsa, because isn't that who she's intending to be?

She decides to stay and help Borni wash some of the dishes. Udmund and Prosper walk by and Udmund claps her shoulder with a slight smile. Elsa watches the pair leave before turning back to find Borni looking at her.

"Can I help you?"

Borni smiles. She's only a few years older than Elsa but she always seems much older. "You're always so polite, you know that?"

"I, uh-"

"Don't worry. I was just thinking: if you wanted to talk about anything – including things you don't want to tell Rik – you know you can talk to me, right?" Seeing Elsa's surprise, she adds, "It can help to talk about it with a friend, sometimes."

"Th-thanks. But I'm OK. I had a long conversation about everything with my sister and I … I'm working things out. She's good to talk to."

Borni is quiet for a few seconds. Then, as Elsa scrubs another bowl, she says, "Do you know, in all the time you've been coming here, I've never heard you mention a sister before? I'm not sure I've heard you talk about any family members at all, come to think of it."

Of course she hasn't, Elsa realises. She's been very careful to keep quiet about Elle's family. She knows people think she is a mildly prosperous woman who lives alone somewhere in the outskirts of the city and makes a trip to the centre a few times a week, and she's not seen a reason to make them think otherwise.

But is it worth making more things up? Both Elle and the Queen are liars and she _hates_ that they're liars. So maybe _that's_ who she is when she's alone – someone who just wants to tell the truth.

"I have my own reasons for that," she says slowly. "It's … I could have made something up, I suppose, but I didn't want to do that. But I … I can't just…"

"It's fine," Borni says. "God knows that a lot of us here are running from things." She looks at her leg and grimaces. "Or limping quickly."

"I'm not _running_ ," she says. "Rik knows some of what happened. Not that I don't trust you, it's more Rik realised … I can't explain it but..."

"I know you say you're not running from an abusive partner," Borni says, one lip quirked in a smile, "but you're running from _something_." She sees Elsa's expression and holds up a hand. "It's not necessarily bad to be running, as long as you've got somewhere to run _to_. Home's as good a place as any."

"Home?"

"Home." Borni says. She grins at Elsa's expression. "Anyone can see that you love this place almost as much as Rik and I do and you love everyone here as much as they love you." She limps over to Elsa and hugs her. "It doesn't matter where you live, you know. This place is as much your home as it is Udmund's or Prosper's or Margrete or anyone's. I reckon we're a little like family down here after all."

They go back to washing the bowls as Elsa thinks about what Borni said. Home. It's a strange idea, to call this place a home. Homes are places to feel safe in. Homes have families and happy memories and cosy rooms. They're not usually random warehouses.

But why shouldn't this be a home to her, she suddenly thinks. It _is_ her country. She should feel as much at home here as she does in the castle, regardless of who she is. She should be able to feel at home _anywhere_. Isn't that what her laws are about? Giving everyone a home?

"Anna," she says.

"Hmm?"

"My little sister's name. It's Anna." Her hands are washing the same bowl over and over as she talks, her eyes focused on Borni. "I suppose I don't talk about her much because we don't have many memories together – we grew up apart. We only reconciled relatively recently. But she understands a lot about how I feel because she knows a lot of how I grew up compared to her. And ever since we reconciled, we've been trying to keep each other in our lives as much as possible. That's why I talked to her. Because if it had been the other way around, I'd have wanted her to talk to me."

Borni smiles at her. "If you want to bring her here one day, she's always welcome. She must be proud to have a sister like you."

"I think I'm more proud to have a sister like her," Elsa says truthfully and Borni's smile, if anything, grows bigger.


	5. E) Seams

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Frozen_**

 **A/n:** 11pm finish ... but I felt like putting this up so here we go. I'm too tired to say anything else except yo to the person from Chile, and hope you enjoy!

 _ **E) Seams**_

35) Can

They're sitting in the kitchen – her, Anna and Olaf – when Anna says, "I heard you're still debating the rent control law."

"I am," Elsa says. "Some people aren't very happy about it." She sighs. "Sometimes, I wish I'd never agreed to compromise at all. But…"

"Have you thought about, uh, anything I said? Just … I dunno, does it help?"

"It helps. I … I don't know, Anna. _Elle_ doesn't solve the situation. I'd need them to really _see_ Elle, not just have me _act_ as Elle. I don't know if I can do it."

"Course you can," says Olaf, who doesn't know that much about the rent control law. "You can do anything."

"Even kiss Rik," Anna adds mischievously. When Elsa glares at her, she laughs and hugs Elsa to her. "If you want to, of course."

0(ix)) Challenge

They're debating again and she's getting sick of it. Not of the debating itself but the fact that this is just going to continue in meeting after meeting after meeting. And if she is too vocal or brusque, she'll have to think of a way to apologise and then she'll wonder if people think she's going back on what she said. But she's the _Queen_ – nobody tells Elle what to do so why should the Queen settle just because a few nobles are loud? Why does she have to bow down to how things have _always_ be done and not change it at all?

So when Marquess Veljor makes a disparaging comment about people having no motivation to do any work if they get free handouts from the soup kitchen and rent caps and any other benefits Elsa wants to introduce, she asks how many homeless people he's met. She tells him that if he just _spoke_ to the people who are in that kitchen, it would be different. He would see that his opinions are different from reality.

"So let me get this straight, if you don't mind, your Majesty," Earl Voolf says as Marquess Veljor glares at her. "You're proposing that we all go down to the docks and meet the thieves and murderers of Arendelle to ask about their attempts to become gainfully employed."

And that's when it slips out, before her brain has a chance to catch up.

"Yes, my lord," she says. "That's exactly what I think this committee needs to do."

There is a second of disbelieving silence, even from Earl Arnesen.

"Your Majesty is wise in her methodology," Earl Voolf says slowly, clearly trying to get onto solid ground. "But if we leave it too long, word will get out and they'll simply practice their answers to get what they want from us. So if we go, we should go this evening."

"Sorry, _this_ evening, my lord?"

"Why not?" He smiles then, a nasty thing. "This is a pressing matter, as you have said yourself in previous meetings, and this is our best guarantee of not having word leak to them."

"But we can't just _impose_ ourselves on them with no warning," someone – and she thinks it might be Marquess Elbert – says.

"Isn't it free entry for all? Besides, we will have her Majesty with us. Surely, they will make time for their Queen?" He looks at her with a challenging gleam in his eye. "Shall we meet in an hour at the gates, your Majesty?"

She looks at him with utter dislike. "Fine."

She doesn't say, _my lord_ and it's noticeable.

35.1) Inspection

The ironic thing, of course, is that when she next speaks to Rik, she's in the Soup Kitchen as the Queen, and it's _this_ masquerade that's the hardest to pull off.

She doesn't have time to warn Rik that they're coming. So when they enter the building, people panic, soldiers shout, and she ends up making it snow to calm everyone down. Then, because she doesn't trust Earl Voolf not to begin with an insult, she has to explain _why_ they're there. She wishes the soldiers didn't feel the need to guard the entrance.

Everyone is quiet, even after Elsa tells them to just carry on as normal. When she walks up to the serving table, she can see people – some of whom she knows – shrink away from her, and it hurts more than she expected. Is she really that different when she isn't wearing a wig, fake lenses, simple clothes and too much make-up?

Rik and Borni are there to greet them. One of the soldiers announces Elsa to them, but they don't look any happier for it. After a few seconds, Borni awkwardly curtseys and nudges Rik. Elsa waves her hand, telling Borni not to worry. It would break her heart to see her friends bow and scrape to her.

"How can I help?" Rik says, smiling a small, fake smile. She wouldn't think the thief is nervous but she can see that awful scar – awful now that she knows where it's from – twitching.

"Your Majesty."

"Huh?"

Earl Voolf's expression is one of distaste. "You refer to her as _Your Majesty_."

"No, no, that's fine," Elsa says. "This isn't the time to get into a discussion on court etiquette, Lord Carsten." She makes herself smile but nobody returns it. Borni won't meet her eye. She's always so confident in the Kitchen: Elsa has taken that away from her. "You're, uh, you're the owner of this place?" she says to Rik. "Rik, uh, Rik Madaki?"

Rik's expression doesn't change but she can see a glimmer of amusement in those green eyes she knows so well and it calms her slightly. "I am. Majesty. Easier to call me Rik though. And this is Borni Toov, my right-hand lady. Everyone behind the table works here. You wanna ask us some questions?"

"And some of the people eating here. If that's OK with you, of course."

The amusement is creeping into that fake smile now. "'S your country, Majesty. You wanna speak to people, you can. Though maybe I should go first? Show everyone you don't bite?"

"Watch your to-"

"That's fine," Elsa says, not looking away from Rik as she speaks over Earl Voolf. "Thank you, Rik. I'm sure some of the men will ask anything I miss. So, I suppose we should start with how easy you think it is to find somewhere to live here…"

She asks her questions in as even a tone as she can, trying not to look at the quivering scar or the lips they cut through, and _definitely_ trying not to think about the fact that those lips kissed hers. Rik answers cheerfully and she feels a little bad for Earl Voolf because he has no way of knowing that Rik and Elsa have talked about a lot of this before, and so Rik knows what Elsa's concerns are.

The conservative nobles ask questions, in aggressive tones and unpleasant smiles, but Rik weathers them as cheerfully as before. And then someone – probably Earl Arnesen – suggests speaking to some of the other people in the Kitchen, so Elsa turns to Borni.

Borni is clearly nervous and Elsa isn't sure how to calm her down without appearing even more sinister. She tries talking in as gentle a tone as she can, which doesn't seem to help, when she hears a cough. She turns.

"Yes?"

Rik is grinning and _now_ the smile is sunny. "I just wondered, can I shake your hand, Majesty? Just so I can say I did."

"Uh, sure." She sticks her hand out. Rik grasps it and, when they shake, squeezes it gently.

"Thanks, Majesty. I'll leave you to it." The hand leaves hers. "Hey! Hey! Everybody! Stop your gawking and get back to whatever it is you're doing!"

She watches Rik walk back to the table, bellowing all the while, and then turns back to Borni. "God above, that's loud. I never thought I'd meet someone louder than my sister. Remind me never to let them meet."

She blinks as she realises that that was something _Elle_ would say, not the Queen.

"Princess Anna is loud?"

Elsa smiles the way Elle would when she finds something amusing. " _Very_. When we were children, you could pretty much always tell where she was in the castle by listening for a few seconds." She nearly asks if Borni has any siblings but even though the Queen wouldn't know, she knows Borni's brother is dead and her sister disowned her after she ran off with the man who would eventually break Borni's leg in three places and give her the slight limp she walks with. So she says, "I suppose you'd have to shout to be heard here though."

"Not at all," Borni says. "Mostly they're a good natured lot. And a lot of the volunteers are quiet themselves. Like Udmund over there. Or … that's funny."

"What?"

"I've only just noticed, we're missing a volunteer. Another girl is meant to be here tonight." She frowns. "If only she'd tell us where she lives – even Rik doesn't know. If she's had an accident…"

Which, of course, is when Elsa remembers that this is one of _her_ nights to volunteer. And that she'd promised Borni she wouldn't miss any anymore, and that she actually hasn't missed any of her nights over the last few weeks – Borni has gone to some effort to ensure she and Rik don't cross paths, and she thinks Rik might have hidden from her as well.

"Who's missing?" she says in the hope that it isn't her – after all, she can't see Tali or Dagfrid. "Perhaps I can ask someone to look?"

Borni blinks. "That's kind of you, your Majesty but I don't want to inconvenience you. She had a falling out with Rik about a month ago and missed a couple of slots then. She's been back a few times though so I thought maybe..." She shakes her head as Elsa's heart sinks. "Never mind. What are your questions, Majesty?"

She asks her questions with the nobles staring at them, but this time, she makes comments and jokes and small talk, as she learnt to do as Elle. And while Borni doesn't fully relax, she's noticeably less nervous by the end of the conversation.

They speak to several other people, picked relatively randomly from among the volunteers and patrons. Elsa always leads the questioning but she's better at it now. She imagines she's Elle, discussing these topics. It's easier to do this if she's Elle.

A common theme emerges from the questions she and the other nobles ask. Many people they speak to are out of work, but not for lack of trying. Some have given up on the system. Those who have jobs explain that the money isn't enough to provide home and food, or maybe doesn't feed all of their family. Very few seem to be lying. Many talk about the conditions they live in. Nearly all of them think the rent control law would be helpful.

When they finally leave, Rik walks them to the door.

"Thanks, Rik," she says. "Tell everyone thank you from us."

"Not at all. After all," Rik says, eyes laughing, "it's not every day we get to meet the Queen."

36.6) Scared

Rik is there when she arrives at the Kitchen the next day, dressed as Elle.

"Thought you'd come early today, somehow. Come on – my place is only two streets away."

She can't feel nervous at the thought that she's going to Rik's home: she's too worried about everything she wants to say.

Rik lives in a room near the Soup Kitchen. She knows this street is one of the few "not awful" streets in this area, and the building itself is relatively clean. The room itself is a bit messy but somehow, that doesn't surprise her, given whose room it is.

"I'm sorry," she says as soon as the door is shut. "I wanted the nobles to at least _meet_ the people they always talk about but I wasn't expecting them to say they wanted to do it then and there. I _should_ have warned you. And I know I've worried Borni as well because she mentioned that Elle didn't show up and-"

"'S OK," Rik says. "Don't get me wrong, woulda been nice if we'd been warned but it wasn't _bad,_ was it? People kinda liked it, actually. Heard a few saying how nice it was that the Queen herself wanted their opinion. And I told Borni that I'd run into you earlier and you'd said something unexpected had come up so you weren't coming. So she's only _slightly_ worried."

She looks at that wonderfully familiar, sunny grin and feels herself sag in relief. "I just … I can imagine how _scared_ people would have been to see me, my nobles and a whole group of _soldiers_ walk in."

"Yeah, but then you lot only asked questions so… And you were better than some of them others. People liked _you_."

Rik sits and gestures for her to sit on one of the old wooden chairs opposite, so she does.

"People liked me?"

"Yeah."

"But I thought people thought I was dangerous and distant."

"Yeah, the _idea_ of you. They thought _you_ – the person they _met_ – were nice."

"Oh." She doesn't know how to react to that – it feels like a victory but reacting feels out of place. So she says, "I'm glad but … still. I shouldn't have done it. I've _never_ seen Borni that scared. She's always so calm and collected."

"C'mon, what were you meant to do? You can't control everything, can you? And Borni's fine. She thought you were coming to shut everything down so she just panicked a bit – she was OK by the time you left. It's 'cause she's done time, you know."

"Stolen goods, right?"

"Yep. Only for a few months but..." Rik pauses. "Only thing she's ever said is that it shatters you like nothing else. She has nightmares though, sometimes, and when she mutters … I dunno, sometimes it sounds like it was worse there than it was with that husband."

"God. No wonder she was scared of me." She exhales. "You and Borni have known each other for a while then?"

"A few years. We met after I left my girl. The one who gave me this scar. Borni was just outta jail and I guess we ended up using each other for support till we got to where we are." Rik shrugs. "She told me I wasn't the kind to go mugging, you know. Said it might end with me dead or in jail but mainly, she couldn't see me doing it. I can kinda see why she said that now." Rik snorts softly. "What kinda mugger doesn't even have a knife?"

"Is that really something to be ashamed of though?" It's the only thing she can think of to ask. It's a weird thing to say, but no more weird than this conversation. Especially not with her heart still hammering the way it is.

"Nah. I guess it's more that I _thought_ I could do it but Borni was right. 'S like I said to you: sometimes, I think I know who I am and then sometimes, I look around and think _what the hell am I doing?_ And sometimes I just get … scared."

"You do?" she says, although she thinks maybe Rik has said something like this to her before. She still can't quite believe it.

"When all of you stormed in last night, that was scary. Before I realised it was _you_ and you'd never do something like that anyway. And the questions that Voolf guy was asking and the way he was asking 'em." Rik shrugs, looking uncomfortable. "It helps to _pretend_ I'm fine with it all. Like if I say it enough, it's not a lie. But sometimes, I don't get that far. Sometimes I just run."

"God knows a lot of us are running from something," she says.

"But 's fine as long as you got somewhere to run _to_ ," Rik says and smiles slightly. "You've been talking to Borni, haven't you?" She nods. "Told me that a long time ago and she's right – she usually is – but it doesn't mean I'm happy to run when I do."

"Like when you kissed me?" she says and then claps her hands to her mouth because this is _not_ how she intended to bring it up. But her heart is still hammering and she knows it's better that it's _out_ than hanging in the air.

Rik hesitates and then nods. "Yep. Like then." The thief sighs. "Look, Elsa, I shouldn't have done that. Kissed you, I mean, though I shouldn't have run either. It wasn't fair on you, especially with you just starting to, you know, get to know what you want. And I know it must feel like I'm just trying to get something from you but I'm not. I promise I'm not. I just … where you going?"

Elsa stops, leans down and presses her lips to the thief's. After a few seconds, she steps back, her mind full of the feel of those lips – surprisingly soft, even with the graze of the scar. Her cheeks are turning red but she refuses to turn away.

Rik gapes at her, slender fingers brushing over those lips and stopping at that scar. "Did you … did you just…"

"Yes," she says. "I … yes."

"Right. Uh, really?"

"Do I have to do it again to prove it?" she says and she thinks it would be funny if there wasn't a quiver in her voice. She gulps in a breath, her hands locked tightly in front of her. "I just … I'm like you. I hate running. And I thought a lot about you kissing me and … and Anna was saying that working out who I am is about who I am when I'm _alone_ – what am I beneath the clothes – and … and I realised that no matter how I looked at it, I never once wished you hadn't kissed me. In fact, whenever I thought about it I … I kind of wished I'd kissed you back."

" _Really_?"

"Yes. You just ran off so quickly that by the time I realised I wanted to, you were long gone. And so was I."

You, uh, you sure? 'Cause I'm not-"

"I don't care," Elsa says. She's pleased to note her voice is firm though her fingers are grasping her hands so tightly that it's painful, and she thinks she can feel ice building on the soles of her feet. "A friend of mine told me recently that we have to settle for a lot of things in life but that l- … things like this, they shouldn't be one. And maybe that's selfish but I feel as though all of my life, I've had to settle. Never mind what I did for my parents, I just … I try so hard to be calm and clear and keep order and not use my powers too much when all I want to do is scream and shout or just make a snowball. I try to balance everyone's needs and be neutral so that I don't offend anyone, even when some people need nothing more than to be insulted. I have to do everything properly, and every action I take has to be good for Arendelle. I settle in all of those things so why should I settle here too?

"Less than two years ago, I doubted I'd ever _touch_ another person again, let alone _kiss_ them so why should it matter if I can or can't now? And to be honest, by this point, I feel there are only so many _wrong_ things I can do or be before it becomes a moot point. As far as I'm concerned, you're one of the nicest people I know, you're smart, you're funny, and you make me _happy_. I _want_ to kiss you and I don't see why there has to be anything else to it."

Rik stands up, moves towards her and slowly, carefully, takes hold of those locked hands and gently separates them to lace fingers through hers. And then squeezes, just as gently.

Their kiss, this time, is not so gentle, and she's definitely not as practised as the thief, but it feels better, and when they break apart this time, she knows her shy smile is as evident in its happiness as the sunny grin she sees.

"Refuse to settle all you want, lady," Rik says in a hoarse voice. "I'm not gonna object."

38) Friends

Their fingers are entwined together as Rik says, "I know you said you don't wanna settle but is revealing us to anyone – like Borni and the others – a good idea?"

And just the mere fact of that question means that they both know what the answer is.

But it doesn't make her any less angry with herself when she says, "No."

Rik only nods. "'Cause you're still the Queen? Or 'cause it's so soon?"

"Because even if I don't care, other people do. If people realise I'm Elle _now_ , they'll call for my removal. If they see past their general fury, they'd probably say my laws are biased because of my relationship with you. And I … I just _can't_ force people to do things. I can't force them to accept me breaking the law or changing a law they don't want me to change. I won't." She loosens her hand from Rik's because she can feel ice building, and she closes her eyes as a chill wind blows past. She can just _imagine_ how happy Borni would have been. The whooping Prosper would have made; the small smile on Udmund's face; Tali laughing at them. "I'm sorry," she says, trying to banish those images. "It's so stupid. I come in here, kiss you and tell you I don't want to settle. I mean _I_ don't but I do when I'm the Queen so I guess that means I do. I don't know why I even kissed you if I _knew_ we couldn't…"

"'Cause sometimes we all do stupid things?"

"Rik-"

"'S OK." Rik's voice is tight. "We could maybe just see each other in secret."

"What? For the rest of our lives?"

"It could work, I guess."

"You're joking, right? That's ridiculous."

"Hey, it's gotta be better than being with someone who'll cut my face, doesn't it?"

"Rik-"

Rik takes a breath, green eyes closed. "Sorry." The thief's voice is unusually quiet. "That wasn't fair of me either. I just … you know, you're the first woman I've met since… Well. I was kinda content just to fantasise, you know? Before I blew it anyway. But then you tell me you feel the _same_ way and…" The next breath is shuddering and Elsa is just standing there, frozen. "What is it that makes it so damn difficult for me to find someone who…"

"No, Rik, it's-"

But there's another sharp intake of breath. "Sorry. I'm being ridiculous, aren't I? None of this is your fault. I just … I have bad days sometimes. Bad moments. Just moments where … you know, I think, what if _she_ was it? What if she was _right_ and nobody out there could … and if I just hadn't done things _wrong_ …" Those slender fingers are pressing into that horrible scar so hard that it must be painful. The desperation and pain in the thief's voice scare her because Rik is _never_ like this. But it makes sense. Nobody comes out of a relationship like Rik's without some kind of baggage. She thinks.

She says, with as much conviction as she can muster, "She was wrong."

"You're only say-"

"Are you actually going to believe someone who _cut_ your face over me? Really?"

"She said she loved me. So … I guess, there's gotta be _a_ reason she-"

"Really? You really think that? You really think it's something about _you_? You can't be responsible for _everyone_ , Rik. You're the one who got hurt and she's the one who chose to hurt you – that's _not_ your fault and that's certainly not love."

She stops because it sounds familiar, what she's just said. Where has she heard something similar?

 _You can't be responsible for the whole world, sis. You just can't. They hurt you. You have to see that._

Anna.

But this is different, surely? After all, the evidence of Rik's hurt is there for all to see. Rik's partner was a monster. Her parents loved her.

But isn't that what Rik's saying now? That this woman, the one who would actually take a knife and cut someone's face, was in love?

 _You have days where you fight to stop yourself from hurting or killing yourself. How is that not a scar?_

And didn't she think, not less than two minutes ago, that a person doesn't come out of a relationship like Rik's without baggage?

Maybe a Queen and a thief do have more in common than anyone would ever guess.

"Rik," she says with as much resolution as she can muster, "that woman lied to you." She leans forwards and kisses that awful scar, only partly wondering where this courage has come from or whether _this_ is a good idea, given how this started. "Our situation is _my_ problem, not yours. _You_ shouldn't have to settle. And besides," she says with a slight smile, "apparently loads of people would love to date you. According to Kristoff anyway – he's from a family of love experts, so he should know what he's talking about."

Rik chuckles a little at that. "Thanks, Elsa. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into my problems. I just … sometimes, it's hard not to … question."

"That's fine. You're allowed to complain every once in a while. I complain enough to you so you should complain to me. After all we're … us."

"Thanks. I mean it." Rik reaches a hand forwards and entwines their fingers together again. "Though just thinking, you said I shouldn't settle – you realise you're the Queen, right? I don't think even secret meetings with the Queen is _settling_. Course, I'd be the only one who'd know… Well, unless they saw us and-"

And that's when it hits her.

"That could work."

"Eh? What could?"

It's a stupid idea, a crazy idea, but why _couldn't_ she do it this way? If there's a difference, between oppressing people and disagreeing with them, why can't there be a difference here too? And anyway, she would have to do this anyway – so why not _now_?

This is what _she_ wants.

Why should she settle in this, like she does in all other things?

She says, "We could meet in secret and have it be a secret that isn't a secret."

"…Come again? Without using the word _secret_ so often?"

She grins at that, which seems to unnerve Rik more. "So, _officially_ , I couldn't court you – or marry you, come to think of it – seeing as how you're neither an Arendelle-born nobleman nor a nobleman or prince who lives in or represents another country."

"OK…"

"But plenty of monarchs have had, um, _friends_ before. _Close_ friends. Friends with whom it wasn't unheard of for them to, uh, spend a lot of time in bedrooms with." She can feel her face warm as she adds, "Not that I'm saying we should … the point is, I don't see why we couldn't be _friends_."

"So you're saying everyone would know without _knowing_?"

"It would be a rumour that people couldn't prove. Gerda and Kai would help – they don't care about stupid court games. Anna would _definitely_ help. I even think Earl Arnesen would help if he knew – he's the one who was trying to help make the soup yesterday before I pulled him away." She pauses. "But it means Elle would have to leave. _I'd_ have to start volunteering at the Soup Kitchen and that's how we'd meet. It would go from there. You might, uh, have to come to the castle once or twice. I'd say I wanted to formally meet the person who founded such a wonderful institution. It could _work_." She looks at Rik. "It really could work. If you're happy to do it that way."

Rik is smiling now – she thinks it's because _she's_ smiling. "It _could_ work. It'd stop you having to sneak down here all the time and 's better than us just plain acting like there's nothing between us. But won't your nobles get all riled up anyway? 'Cause you kinda would be forcing them to accept you breaking the law."

She grimaces. "I know but … if they found out, I guess I'd … well. I'm not asking them to accept it, I'm … well, not actually courting you. And not marrying you. So not breaking the law. Technically. And it can't be the _worst_ thing I've ever done. But yes, they'll get riled up. They'll ask me uncomfortable questions. They'll suggest I marry all sorts of men I don't want to go anywhere near. They'll probably be unpleasant to you. But if we play it right, everything will just be a rumour. To be honest, there are some fairly disturbing ones about Anna and I … actually, Kristoff would probably help spread those if we asked and if Anna was OK with it – he hates being in rumours himself. It would muddy the waters. I'd just be _eccentric_ , and they already think I am. Especially as Anna is seeing a man who used to be a commoner." She pauses. "Would you want your status to be-"

"No. I know you're all great and all but … no." Rik leans forwards and kisses her swiftly. "I don't even know how to greet the Queen, remember?" As she laughs, Rik adds, "You think you'd be happy to give up being Elle then? 'Cause you said you came down here for peace and you won't get that as the Queen. And, I mean, we don't have to go round telling people ... 's early days, isn't it? Not that I'm saying we'll-"

"I know but I have to do it at some point, so it may as well be now. I _want_ to do it at some point – I want to just go out and be _me_. And, to be honest, yesterday, I started to talk like I do when I'm Elle and it felt … fine. Maybe not as easy as when I'm in disguise but there. Anna said I should do it as well, though I think she meant for me to do it more subtly rather than tell my committee we all needed to go down to the city. Besides, I had a conversation with a noble a few days before that and _that_ felt a bit like it does when I'm Elle and… why are you looking at me like that?"

"So, uh, I should probably tell you something."

"What?" she says, trying to sound as calm as she can. Rik's voice is light but there is no way not to make those words sound ominous.

"Well, I agree with you. You _were_ a lot like you are when you're Elle yesterday. And I'm not saying your _Elle_ disguise isn't amazing but, uh, I don't know that there's as much difference between the two as you think there is. You know, when you relax."

"Someone guessed?"

"No. Uh, not yet. But when I said Borni was only _slightly_ worried about you, she mighta also said that you sound a _lot_ like Elle. And, ah, all the others thought it too. And they even said you _look_ a bit like her. And _talk_ like her."

"But they've never noticed it before."

"They've not really _seen_ you before. It's not like you come down to the docks a lot as the Queen. And they've seen you give speeches, sure, but not up close. Look, it's not an immediate problem, 'cause it's not like the Queen's coming back anytime soon but…"

"But it means I really do need to get rid of Elle and just be … me. Whoever that is."

"You seemed to be doing a good job of it yesterday, like you said."

"I did a good job of melding Elle and the Queen together," she says. "That doesn't mean it was me."

39) Open

She doesn't manage to speak to Anna until the following day because it's late when she gets back. Her work during the day is intermittent, distracted as she is – partly, she must admit, by the memory of Rik's lips on hers, but also by the thought of the discussion she wants to have with Anna.

It should be easier, she thinks, than having the conversation she had yesterday. After all, Anna's her sister. Anna _knows_ about Elle. Anna knows parts about Rik.

And yet.

She stands outside Anna's door and counts by fives to fifty. Then she counts by fives to fifty again. And they say third time's the charm, so she counts by fives to fifty _again_ because she wouldn't want to jinx it.

After a fourth time (because three times is just stupid superstition and she refuses to be beholden to it), she knocks the door so hard and quickly that her knuckles hurt. Anna probably thinks something serious has happened, and Elsa feels guilty when she hears her little sister yell, "Coming."

There is a series of crashes and knocks before the door opens. A sock falls off Anna's head and lands at Elsa's feet. For a moment, the sisters stare at each other.

"I'm gonna clean my room tomorrow, I swear," Anna says. Elsa laughs. "So, what's up? Come in, I'll push some stuff off the chair."

"Don't you have two chairs?" Elsa says as she walks into the room. She looks around and sees a large pile of shoes on and surrounding one of the chairs. "Never mind."

Anna just smiles guiltily and sits on her bed. "So, what's up? Or d'you just wanna talk?"

Anna acts so silly, it's easy to forget how sharp she is.

"I want to talk," Elsa says, "but … uh, you remember what we were talking about a few weeks ago?"

"What part? You and outfits or you and Rik?"

"Both. Um, so, I went to speak to Rik yesterday and-"

"You _didn't_!" Anna is grinning. "You _did_ , didn't you?"

Elsa tries to not look or sound embarrassed as she says, "If you mean did I kiss Rik then, er, yes. That, uh, that happened."

"I _knew_ it. Tell me everything! Every little detail. I want to know."

Elsa can't help laughing, even if it does come out a little high-strung. "I don't know what there is to say. We were talking and then I kissed-"

"Wait, what were you talking _about_? C'mon, sis, you can do better than that."

She hesitates but, as ever, there's no malice in Anna's face, only curiosity and eagerness. So she tells Anna everything, starting with the challenge to Earl Voolf and ending with the suggestion she made to Rik. Anna's expression changes from excitement to surprise. When Elsa stops talking, she just looks at her.

"I dunno, sis," she says slowly. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you and Rik are happy together, but … this whole thing sounds … I mean, I know you've _known_ Rik for ages but you two only kissed _yesterday_ and you wanna change your whole life?" She hesitates. "Doesn't it seem like … you know, me and Hans? Especially since Rik's … you know, not-"

"I know what it sounds like," Elsa says. "But I'm not doing this for Rik – not really. I just … it's like I said. I want to find out who _I_ am now, and I want to stop _lying_ to people."

"By getting rid of Elle?"

"And the Queen. I want there to be just one person and I want that person to be _me_. The person beneath all of that. And I don't think I'm going to find her unless there's nothing else there to cover her. This … all of this just made me think, I have to do it eventually – so why not now? When am I ever going to be ready? I've had over a year to get used to things so it's not as though I'm rushing."

Anna looks at her a little dubiously. "But it's still getting rid of Elle more than anything, isn't it? 'Cause you'll still be the Queen of Arendelle but you'll never be Elle again."

"I suppose. But Elle was always fictional. Besides, I don't know that it's so much that I've always been the Queen so much as the Queen has always been me. I think maybe it's time for _me_ to be the Queen."

Anna blinks. "You know that that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, right?"

"Then I suppose what it is, is that wherever I go, to use your words, I want to go there naked."

Anna splutters at this. "Whatever you do," she says through choked giggles, "don't say that to anyone else. There'll be a _lotta_ people who'll be following you around for years."

"It's a metaphor, Anna."

"Yeah, but they might not realise that. Or might not _want_ to realise that."

"What are you on about? I'm hardly-"

" _OK_ , I'm not having this conversation with you. Anyway, you said you wanna keep going to that soup kitchen. You just gonna go in there or what?"

"Ah. Er, no. That's actually where I wanted your help."

"Really?"

"Yes. I wondered if perhaps you could come with me after I've made excuses for Elle to disappear. Make it seem like we both just happened to be in the city and I told you about the Kitchen and you said you wanted to meet Rik or something. That will give me a reason to become so enthralled by the Kitchen that I start volunteering."

Anna stares at her. " _Or_ you could just do that by yourself."

"But you're _good_ at people. It will seem more natural than if Elle disappears and then I show up and take her place."

"But why couldn't you have gotten curious by yourself? I mean, you invented an entire person by yourself, so an interest in soup kitchens should be pretty easy."

"If you don't want to … I just … people know _you_ as being personable so it'll be less awkward than if I show up alone. And it _will_ look more natural." She pulls a face. "Never mind. I'll-"

"I'll do it," Anna says. "But you're doing yourself down. You _could_ go in there and win them over by yourself. I _know_ you can."

Elsa doesn't say anything. Anna shakes her head.

"Well, I hope all of this is worth it. At least I'll get to meet Rik." She pauses. "You know, I think you might be right. I don't think you need this _Elle_ person. You're … you can't see it but you're so clearly _you_."

Elsa frowns. "What do you mean?"

She looks suddenly shy. "You're different. Not _bad_ different but … like, this whole scheme – you wouldn't have even thought of it a year ago. And two years ago, you'd never have asked me for help. You wouldn't have challenged Earl Voolf either. It's nice." She pauses. "But I dunno that it's all change. 'Cause you're still wary of people, and you're still secretive and you'll still go to the end of the world and back to save them."

"Anna-"

"I don't mean it in a _bad_ way."

She considers her sister and thinks that maybe she's right. Before the Thaw, she would never have been able to do what she did in the Kitchen just two days ago, and _speak_ to people outside an official context without stuttering. She'd never have told Earl Voolf he's never worked an honest day in his life. She'd never have been able to talk about her own unhappiness, or hear about someone else's. And she'd never have kissed Rik. She wouldn't have had even a hundredth of the courage.

Anna's changed too, she thinks, in ways as subtle as Elsa. The Anna before would have stuttered and stammered more, with more insensitive sentences and awkward words, followed by apologies and corrections. The Anna before would have been full of hero worship for Elsa and would never have pointed out her flaws as easily as her strengths. She would never have thought that someone could have a sinister motive because she would have been too innocent to think someone was _capable_ of that.

She stands up so that she can walk over to her little sister and hug her tightly. Anna immediately hugs back and that's what Elsa knows will never change about her sister – her ability to effortlessly show her love to anyone.

"I would say I hope this Rik's worth it," Anna murmurs, "but it doesn't matter 'cause if it's for you then you'll _always_ be worth it."

If Elsa's eyes are noticeably wetter when they break the hug apart, Anna is kind enough not to say anything.

40) Hands

Rik's hands are on her shoulders, and it only feels slightly weird. But good weird. Comfortable weird.

"So you gonna do it?" Rik's lips are a little bit puffy, in the way Anna's sometimes are after she's been out with Kristoff. Elsa suspects hers might be the same. It's… strange. She has the sudden urge to lick her lips before she speaks but that also feels weird. The characters in the books she read as children never did it so probably she shouldn't either.

"I am," she says, conscious that she needs to say _something_. "I have to."

"And Borni and the others…"

"If people know any more than they already do, it won't end well. People will ask what I had to hide, people will ask if I've been unduly influenced and…" She can't say the last thing she's thinking, which is that people will _know_ she couldn't face up to being the Queen. That to cope with how she is, she had to create a fictional persona. It's almost worse than hiding away in her room all the time.

"I still think you're being a bit gloomy but you know more about it than me." Elsa looks away, not wanting to look too guilty. "But when you say people knowing _more_ than they already do…"

Her fingers are still clutching Rik's back, and that feels inappropriate somehow. "People are going to notice," she says, deciding to leave the fingers there so that she doesn't seem paranoid (and because, she thinks guiltily, she _likes_ having her fingers there). "Most people at the Kitchen know how close we are. If Elle disappears and I suddenly appear, they'll put two and two together. There will be rumours – I'll have to minimise them."

Rik shrugs. "So we take it slow. Which, uh, we should probably do anyway." They both grin, a little guiltily. In truth, they haven't done anything more than talk and kiss – and probably not heavy kissing, if she goes by her books (and it's not as though she has much _else_ to base it on) – but it still feels like … a lot. "Build it up like a proper story, maybe."

"Yes." She hesitates. "This isn't … I mean, I am doing it for us but it's more … I have to…"

"I know." Lips touch hers and for a second, she can't think. "If this is what you need to do, then do it."

"Thank you," she says, voice quivering slightly. "It, it is."

0(x)) Can't

"So you're really heading off?" Borni says as they serve soup. It's the third visit to the Soup Kitchen since she and Rik spoke. They've stayed as far apart from each other as they can, until the traditional escort out of the docks, which now makes a few stops in alleys and doorways, and leaves Elsa a little breathless. She's been spreading the story that her uncle is injured and whatever their past, she has to help him. Because that's what family do.

"I have to," she says, focusing on the soup. "I can't leave him alone."

"And your sister?"

She grimaces, hating the way she's about to paint Anna. "She and my uncle never got on and she … she has her own life to lead. Better I go than she does. She'd come back if I begged her to."

"I know," Borni says, sighing. "But I can't believe you're going so soon. And after you and Rik, er, made up." Her expression is straight so Elsa can't tell what Borni knows, but she suspects she knows the whole truth. "We're going to miss you, you know?"

She looks at Borni now, and sees nothing but honesty in that gaze.

"I … well, I have to…"

And that's when she realises that whatever else she is, she can't lie again. Not to Borni. Or to Udmund or Prosper or Tali or any of them. They've been through too much else for her to remove their friend and force the Queen on them. And it was her unease with lying that triggered a lot of this plan. If she lies here, how can she claim to have changed at all?

"Where you going, Elle?"

"I'm sorry. I need a moment."

She walks to the upstairs office, feeling Borni's concerned gaze on her back.

40.9) Sure

They stand outside the kitchen. The patrons are long gone and only the volunteers remain. Rik looks at her.

"You sure? 'Cause if you do it this way, you can't go back."

"You've told me you trust them." She takes Rik's hand. "And I do too. No more lies. Not where there don't need to be."

42) Family

The reaction to seeing Elsa and Rik walk in, hand in hand, is every bit as joyful and loud as Elsa imagined it would be.

42.4) Idiots

But when the cheering has died, Elsa looks at Rik and says, "There's something I have to tell all of you. And I know all of you will be mad and you have every right to be but I didn't want to lie to you. Because you've heard me say that I'm moving south to be with an uncle who I've not seen for a few years but who needs my help." She takes a breath. "It's not true."

Their expressions are somewhere between wild grins and complete and utter confusion. Rik squeezes her hand.

She looks at Borni. "Borni, when the Queen visited, you told her I was missing, but you didn't mention me by name. When she offered to send someone to look for me, you said I was probably away because I'd had an argument with Rik. She also told you that her sister is very loud. You were surprised."

Borni frowns and looks at Rik. "Why did you tell her I said that?"

"I didn't tell her anything about what the Queen said."

"Then how-"

She turns to Prosper. "She asked you about your ear piercings. She said she was too scared to pierce her own ears – she thought she might make it snow. You laughed and offered to pierce one for her in return for a snowman."

Prosper's hand flies to his ear as he stares at her. "Udmund told you."

"I didn't," Udmund says quietly. He looks at her and she can tell that he has worked it out. "What did she say to me?"

"Nothing. She knew…" She takes a breath. " _I_ knew you'd hate it if the Queen started asking you questions like that. I spoke to Margarete instead, but only briefly. None of the others spoke to Margarete because I directed them to speak to other people."

She's clenching Rik's hand so hard that it must be painful, as she looks at the Kitchen volunteers on duty tonight. All of them are gaping at her.

Finally, Prosper says, "The actual hell?"

Elsa shrugs helplessly. "I should have said earlier. I didn't ... I didn't think it would go this far." She takes off the glasses because what does she need them for now? "Rik told me most of you thought I sounded a lot like the Queen."

"Well, yeah," says Tove, "but my cousin sounds like Princess Anna – doesn't mean she _is_ Princess Anna."

But Borni's expression proves that some of them have seen more resemblance than her voice. Of course they have. Didn't Kristoff recognise her, all that time ago?

"Then your hair-"

She lets go of Rik's hand to pull the wig off carefully. Then, because she knows what they'll ask next, she claps her hand and makes a snowball.

Prosper turns to Rik, his expression a little outraged. "You knew?"

"Since the day we met. She was dressed like Elle but she gave herself away with her powers."

"So _you_ funded the Soup Kitchen?" Claudius pauses. "Uh, your Majesty."

"Don't. Don't call me that. And kind of but not exactly the way Rik tells it. Rik sold a dress I owned to get the money and started it without discussing it with me. And I donated the _dress_ because…"

"I was trying to mug her," Rik says. "Little over a year ago now, I think. But her arm was freezing so I let go and pretty much gave up, didn't I?" Prosper snorts. "And then we got talking and she gave me the dress and said I had to use it to buy food. She didn't know about the Kitchen till she came down to the docks one day and wandered in."

"I remember," Borni says suddenly. "That first day you came in. You didn't want to eat anything. Then Rik came over and said you two knew each other. But I thought you looked kind of surprised when you were there."

"I didn't even know about this place," Elsa says. "I was following people. I just … honestly, I only came down in disguise because I wanted to explore the city and see what it was like without people acting uncomfortable because they were anywhere near me. But then Rik _announced_ who I was to everyone: I didn't want the Queen to overshadow this place so I decided to keep pretending I was Elle. Besides, I _liked_ being somewhere where I wasn't the Queen. You have no idea how peaceful it is not to be the Queen."

She watches them try to fathom what she's telling them. Rik grabs her hand again and she's stupidly grateful for it.

Just as the silence has gone from uncomfortable to _extremely_ uncomfortable, Borni says, "So, out of interest, which one of you two idiots came up with _Elle_? Because the more I think about it, the more I realise it's not particularly subtle."

"Well, it's gotta be Elle, don't it?" Prosper says. "She started the disguise thing."

Tali frowns. "Do we still call you Elle?"

"Ooh, could we call you _Queenie_?"

" _Queenie_?" This is Margarete, who, much like Udmund, tends to only speak when she thinks it's important. "That just sounds _awful_."

"Oh, c'mon, it totally works. Fine, how about, Maj?"

"Maj?"

"Short for _Your Majesty_. Oh, no, wait, she overruled that, didn't she?"

"Guys, you can just call me Elsa," Elsa says in the tone she uses to end arguments, but she thinks some of her relief at their reaction must show in her voice. "That _is_ my name, you know. And _Rik_ came up with Elle. I just went with it."

"She couldn't think of anything that was short for Elsa," Rik explains. "'Cause I was saying how Rik's not my full name. We didn't actually go with it 'cause she wanted to play dress up."

"Hang on, what _is_ your full name?"

"Yeah, how come you never tell anyone?"

"Hey, d'you think we could give Rik a matching name with _Queenie_? Like-"

"No."

"Hey, you don't usually speak. Why now?"

" _Someone_ has to stop you from embarrassing Elsa and Rik." Margarete pauses. "That sounds weird. Good weird though." She looks at Elsa. "Elsa suits you."

"Thanks?" Elsa stares at the volunteers. "You're all taking this a _lot_ better than I thought you would."

Prosper shrugs. "You seem pretty weird whatever it is you're doing so why worry?"

Tali elbows him. "What Prosper _means_ is that we all knew you had a secret and this … fits, doesn't it? I dunno, it's kinda weird but, uh, anyone who wants to be with Rik's gotta be alright. And hey, we're all running from something so why can't the Queen be running as well?"

Elsa looks at Prosper. " _Was_ that what you meant?"

He snorts and she loves him for it. "Hell no. But she's right." He walks over to Elsa and ruffles her hair, despite the numerous hair pins. "Feels nicer than your wig," he notes. She loves him for that as well. It's easy to imagine him as the boy Rik caught trying to steal from the Kitchen at the very beginning, and easy to imagine him as the boy who climbed up a building to stop a complete stranger jumping to his death. "So, why you spilling now?"

She looks at Rik. "It's complicated. But mainly because I need to stop lying to people. And because if people learn the girl Rik is with is me pretending to be Elle, it'll all go badly."

"And it won't go badly if they know it's you being, uh, you? 'Cause I'm pretty sure there are laws against you and Rik."

She and Rik trade looks again. Borni catches it.

"Alright," she says in a tired voice, "you've already gotten this far with this hare-brained scheme. What are you two planning now?"

43.4) There

As Rik says goodbye to Tove, Elsa looks at Borni. Of all the volunteers, Borni seems the most upset. As she would be.

"I really am sorry," Elsa says. "I should have said something earlier. I just … it got out of hand and…"

Borni looks at her. Then she hugs Elsa, holding her tight.

"Borni?"

Borni smiles slightly at her. "I want to be mad at you but damn it if Tali and Prosper didn't have a point. And Rik … I can't be angry at someone who makes Rik look so _happy_." They both look at the thief. "Not an easy life that one. When we met…" She trails off, pursing her lips.

"I saw a glimpse of it last week," Elsa confesses. "I've never seen Rik like that – so uncertain and upset and…"

Borni nods. "Like I said – not an easy life. We rarely talk about it but the things I've heard about that _girl_ …" She considers Elsa. "Sometimes, even Rik struggles. I know you're not saying anything, and I definitely know now it's not what I thought but you-"

"I'm just as damaged," Elsa says and blinks because she's never said that before. But it doesn't mean what Borni thinks it means – just that she has things in common with Rik. That's all. Things like baggage and … and...

And nothing, right?

 _This scar wasn't even the first one I got off her but I stayed with her anyway._

She's _fine_. Her parents _loved_ her. They would _never_ have hurt her.

 _How can you not see that if you hate who you were so much,_ something _went wrong? Something our_ parents _did._

 _God, they did a number on you._

Borni is looking at her, concerned now, so she tries to cover up her last comment with a smile and a gesture at herself. "Clearly."

But Borni just says, "I know."

And then, in the quiet that follows, she says, "But in a way, whatever happened to you, it has to be harder than what happened to Rik or me. Not necessarily worse but … we could fall apart and know that the world wasn't looking or judging when we picked up the pieces again. But you … I bet when you fell apart, the whole country was watching."

She looks at Borni and there's so much understanding in her expression that Elsa could almost believe she's talking to Anna.

 _Borni said to me, when she asked about what happened to_ me _, that once it's happened to you, you can often recognise it in almost anyone else. And like most things she says, she was right._

"They were watching," Elsa says quietly as Rik approaches, still not sure _why_ or _how_ she's saying this, only sure that she's not lying this time. "But I think they were too busy shivering and wondering what made me go crazy to realise that I'd fallen apart a long time before that, and they were just watching the fragments finally land."

44.4) Right

And maybe it's that final conversation with Borni that makes her say in the depths of the evening as she sits with Anna, "I … I think you were right, Anna. A-about our parents and … and me."

Anna leans across and hugs her, fingers flicking up to brush tears from Elsa's cheek.

"I know," she says, "and I'm sorry."


	6. F) Dress

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Frozen_**

 **A/n:** Well, this is the final chapter. I was considering not uploading tonight (I need to go into work tomorrow) but ended up finishing my final check so now I'm committed to this course of action. Also my knee hurts too much to sleep (I can't ice skate. Let's leave it at that). Anyhow, thank you all for reading, reviewing, favouriting, following, clicking only on this page and wondering what I'm saying etc - and to everyone who reviewed, thank you for taking part in a quiet experiment. I was rather curious as to what would happen if I didn't specify Rik's gender in the fic (I did have another reason for not specifying the gender). Apart from the realisation that it's bloody difficult to write about a third party without referring to them by pronouns or gender-specific details (or even to reply to reviews without doing it), I was intrigued to note that half the reviewers also avoided referring to a gender and those who did use a gender referred to Rik as male. I have much to think about now. Finally, hello to the person from Brazil! Hope everyone enjoys!

 _ **F) Dress**_

45) Ready

They are sitting together, arms and legs entwined, after the evening shift. Prosper has stopped whistling at them every time he passes, though he still makes the occasional gagging noise.

Elsa doesn't care.

It's a strange feeling.

She doesn't know if it's because of Rik or because of her decision or just because. She doesn't _think_ it's only because of Rik – there's something liberating about knowing she can sit here and Prosper will make gagging noises because he likes her and likes the person Elsa wants to be with.

"So," Rik murmurs in her ear, "tomorrow's your last day."

She nods because she likes the feeling of the tip of her ear grazing Rik's lips. There's a part of her that's shocked at her behaviour but there's a bigger part of her that doesn't care about that either. She wants to feel free? Then she figures she can _act_ like she is.

She wonders how much of this courage she's going to retain when she doesn't have Elle to hide behind.

She wonders whether the fact she pretends she has more courage than she does is something the old Elsa would do.

"Scared?"

She nods again, but this time it's because she doesn't want to vocalise it. When she glances sideways at Rik, she can see amusement on the thief's face that is slowly replaced by concern when it becomes clear that Elsa isn't being playful.

"You sure you wanna-"

She nods again and then shifts her head away slightly. "I have to. I have to do this sometime. And if I don't do it tomorrow, what's to stop me from always saying I'm not ready? I _will_ do this. I refuse to run away anymore."

Rik squeezes her waist. "'S not really goodbye anyway, is it? After all, _you're_ not going anywhere, are you?"

She knows it's meant to be a reassuring statement only but she still says, "I hope not."

46) Goodbye

But she can't help crying when several of the regulars at the Soup Kitchen come up to her to hug her goodbye and thank her for everything she's done.

They give her a carving of Arendelle and that just makes her cry a little more.

47) Crazy

Kristoff stops by the following afternoon.

"So," he says, "word on the street is that Rik's girl has up and left for the south."

She glares at him. "I'm not…" She trails off. "Oh, what's the point? I'm surprised Anna hasn't told you."

"You told Anna?"

"I forgot to tell her you already know, didn't I?"

"I dunno – did you?" His lips quirk. "Also, does that mean you _are_ Rik's gi-"

"Shh! Tell the whole world why don't you?"

Kristoff jumps slightly before stepping into the room and closing the door.

"Geez, what's with all the secrecy? I mean, apart from you being unable to … oh. So, uh, how does Elle disappearing help with…"

She rubs her head. "Just ask Anna. I don't have the energy to explain the idea a third time." She looks at her papers for a few seconds before looking back at Kristoff. "Anyway, it's not _for_ Rik. Elle's going because I need her to go."

Kristoff gives her a sharp look. "Should I ask?"

"I'd rather you didn't. No offence."

"None taken." She knows he's relived rather than offended. "So you never going back to that kitchen again then?"

"Uh…"

"Is this in the category of things I should ask Anna?"

"Yes."

"Alright then." He smiles. "You know, I used to think _Anna_ was the crazy one of the two of you but I think you might both be as nuts as each other."

"Why does _everyone_ think my plan is crazy?"

Kristoff just gives her a flat look.

"Point taken."

He grins and leans down to hug her. He hugs more often these days than he used to – probably Anna and Olaf's relentless enthusiasm has rubbed off on him. "I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll ask Anna what's going on. And if you need a hand, well, Anna hasn't nearly destroyed something for a couple of weeks so it _is_ getting kinda boring round here…"

He walks out, still laughing.

48) Shy

They walk into the Soup Kitchen, Anna bounding ahead and Elsa a step behind, hands clenched, wearing her ice dress. This _will_ work. Anna knows what to say. She'll pretend she got interested and-

People gasp and mutter and jerk as they try to remember the proper way to greet her. Anna looks around.

"Wow, _that_ escalated quickly," she mutters. "Hey, you can all sit back down. We came to, uh, volunteer."

An old man – Niko – gapes at them. "You what?"

"Elsa wanted to volunteer but she was too shy to go by herself so I came with her." She pauses. "Wait, I meant to say that a lot quieter. I mean, she just wanted some company. She totally could have come by herself. She's not shy at all."

Elsa puts her head in her hands. "Anna…"

Anna turns to her, hands on hips. "C'mon, short of you coming down here in _disguise_ , how'd you think we were gonna get in here without people noticing?" She ignores Elsa's glare. "So, uh, where's the owner?" She turns to Borni and Prosper. "Hey, I think we're looking for, um, Rik?"

Borni is simply staring at Elsa while Prosper is clearly trying very hard not to laugh. Finally, Borni says, "Uh, yeah. Hold on your, er, Highness. And Majesty. Um, Rik?" She turns to the door that leads to the kitchen. "Rik? Some, ah, some volunteers to see you."

After a few seconds, the door opens and Rik steps out, grinning; for a few moments, her heart races. She hasn't seen Rik for over two weeks – not since Elle "left" for the south.

"Your Majesty, 's great to see you again. And your Highness. We've not met. I'm Rik Madaki. So Borni says you wanna volunteer?"

Anna turns to Elsa with wide eyes that clearly say, _You're telling me_ this _is Rik?_

Elsa coughs loudly as she says, "Uh, yes. Well, I do. I made Anna come with me. I was very impressed with what I saw when I came here a few weeks ago and I thought, why not help? Practice what I preach? Because what you're doing here is very important and it will help me get a better insight into what needs to be addressed in my kingdom. Uh, Anna, you can stop laughing at me now."

Anna _is_ laughing, and she snorts as she says, "Sorry, you just sound so formal. She's telling the truth though. She wouldn't shut up about this place for the last few weeks. Months actually." Which is an exaggeration but if it helps her appearance – so soon after Elle's disappearance – seem more like a coincidence, she'll take it. "So, uh, yeah, apron us up, Rik. What can we do to help?"

"Either of you ever cut vegetables before?"

"Yes," Anna says immediately. When Elsa looks at her curiously, she shrugs. "It's not like my schedule was jam-packed when we were growing up. There's a reason I've got an in with the kitchen staff. Apart from me stealing cake from them. Not that I do that a lot 'cause, you know, people shouldn't steal cake, especially not princesses, even if it does look tasty." She looks around as Elsa's cheeks tinge with warmth. "Hey, is it always so quiet in here?"

Rik grins at Elsa and Anna. "I _like_ your sister, Majesty." As Anna beams, the thief looks around and bellows, "What is it about the Queen that makes everyone gawk? Get back to eating, the lot of you. Tali! Tali, get out here and take our new volunteers to cut vegetables."

A few people seem disappointed that neither Elsa nor Anna is going to be out serving soup but Elsa is glad. She doesn't want people to hear her voice and peg her as Elle. Plus she'd forgotten how self-conscious she feels when she's the Queen in public. She follows Tali into the kitchen, wondering how Tali and any other volunteers in there are going to react to her. She might have revealed herself before but they've had time to think, and now she's dressed and acting like the Queen, with the Crown Princess beside her so-

Tali turns and hugs Elsa as soon as the door is closed.

"You're _crazy_ ," she says in an admiring tone, taking a step back from Elsa and looking her up and down. "Completely, utterly, one hundred percent off your rocker. I can't believe you're actually _doing_ this."

Elsa grins shakily, relieved beyond words that Tali is treating her normally – and a little surprised that Tali will hug her even knowing that Elsa can freeze people and items. "I'm nothing if not committed. Besides, I spent the best part of a year walking around in a disguise so this is nothing compared to that." Anna makes a noise. When Elsa turns, she finds her sister staring at her. "Anna?"

"Sorry," Anna says, "I think I'm missing something. I thought it was just _Rik_ who knew…" She trails off. "Wait, do all the volunteers know that _I_ know?"

Udmund, from behind a nearby table says, "We do now."

Tali turns red. "I just … everyone knows how close you two are." She pauses. "Uh, your Highness?"

"Don't. If you're on hugging terms with Elsa, you might as well call me by my name." Anna smirks and then frowns. "Anyway, lemme get this straight. All the volunteers knew you were Elle?"

"Yep," Tali says. "Well, for all of three weeks. Your sister wasn't that chatty about her life."

"And despite this, you _still_ said you needed me to help you pretend you'd only ever been in here once before."

"I, uh, only told them after I asked you for your help. But me coming in by myself just doesn't work. You _know_ you're the more likely of us to decide to volunteer here."

"But I _didn't_ decide to volunteer here."

"Anna, if you want to go home-"

"That's not what I'm saying. I'll help. I wanna help, if I'm here anyway. I just mean … this entire plan sounds like something _I'd_ do so I think you _coulda_ done it without me. But I'm totally gonna help: nobody in the castle _ever_ lets me near sharp things."

Tali looks at Elsa with some concern in her eyes. "She's joking, isn't she?"

"No," Elsa says as she walks over to Udmund. "Longstanding rule – Anna's forbidden to go near anything sharp in the castle."

"She is? There isn't a good reason for that rule though, right?" She watches as Elsa stirs one of the pots. "Right? _Right?_ "

0(xi)) Rule

"OK, new rule. You're not allowed near sharp things _anywhere_."

"It's not _that_ bad."

"Anna, your palm is covered with blood."

"I've done worse."

"Oh God, I hurt the Crown Princess."

"It's her own fault. Anna, hold still and let me bandage it, will you?"

"It's _fine_."

"You're going to bleed in the _soup_."

"Oh. Fine then."

49) Meeting

Elsa and Anna help in the main hall towards the end of the evening, with Anna quickly striking up conversations with several people, and Elsa more quietly picking up bowls. She thinks about making conversation as well but it suddenly feels awkward. Instead, she smiles at people and thanks them when they pass her empty bowls. At one point, she compliments someone on their necklace, as a passing comment, and is rewarded with a shy smile and a "Thanks, Majesty".

Once the last patrons are gone, they return to the kitchen to help clear up. Rik is there but doesn't rush up to kiss her, and she's glad. For some reason, it would feel awkward in front of Anna – she doesn't know if it's because she feels she should be more adventurous than she is, or less. But they occasionally bump or touch hands or arms or faces, and she's glad for that as well.

She lets Rik and Anna talk. She knows Anna wants to check for herself what kind of person the thief is, and she knows Rik wants to get to know Anna, and she doesn't want to interrupt that. Instead, she turns to the other volunteers and talks to them. Some of them, like Borni and Margarete, are clearly fazed by her being there as the Queen but others, like Tali, Prosper and Udmund aren't bothered at all. For her part, she tries not to act any differently to the way she normally would.

Finally, Tali makes a comment about going home, and Elsa says that she and Anna should make their way back.

"With or without Rik?" Borni asks.

Anna looks sharply at Elsa. "Do we, uh, do we need Rik?"

Elsa tries to look at Anna as she says, "Rik usually walked me out of the docks when I was Elle. But with me like this … you know, with everyone knowing I can freeze them…"

"No, no, let's take Rik." She turns to Rik. "C'mon, you can show us out. Elsa's useless at directions."

And that statement tells her that Anna has accepted the thief.

"Sure thing. Lemme grab my cloak." The thief walks by them and, absent-mindedly, gives her a peck on the lips. She glances at Anna, who only smiles.

50) Impression

"So? What did you think?"

Anna thinks for a few seconds. "Well, I don't think Rik's gonna try to kill us." She shrugs. "Seems nice enough though I'm not sure I can see whatever it is you see. But you two wouldn't stop staring at each other for the entire time we were in that kitchen." She grins as Elsa blushes. "That's good enough for me."

She squawks as Elsa hugs her so tight, she practically crushes her ribcage.

0(xii)) Respect

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"You volunteered at that soup kitchen."

"Yes."

She looks around the room at the familiar faces of the nobles, all wearing a similar expression of surprise. She expected this to be brought up. All she's heard about all day is her and Anna's trip to the docks last night. If this is their reaction to that, she doesn't want to know what the reaction to her and Rik's "friendship" will be.

But, suddenly, she doesn't want to wait for them to get their heads around it. There are more important things to discuss.

"Is there a problem with that?" she asks in a neutral tone.

"Your Majesty, you are free to do as you please, of course," Earl Voolf says hastily. "But I wonder if you have the time to dally in soup kitchens."

"Did I miss anything that couldn't wait until today?"

"Well, I don't know your timetable so-"

"If you don't know my timetable, how do you know better than me whether I have enough time, my lord?"

"I mean-"

"Is there a problem with me volunteering at the soup kitchen, my lord?"

"Your Majesty, with the greatest respect, if you go to that kitchen, you tell the people that they can walk all over you. You take away the barrier between you and them – they won't respect you or your position. They'll just see you as theirs and make constant demands of you, and expect you to keep them."

"Hold on," she says, "Let's break this down, my lord, if you don't mind. Your first concern is that they won't respect me. They will be rude and uncouth and demanding. To me. The person who has the power – and has _demonstrated_ that power – to freeze the entire country and change its climate?"

"Well-"

"Is that your concern, my lord?"

His cheeks flush and she has to stop herself from staring because she has never, in the entire time she has known him, seen Earl Voolf blush. "Yes, Majesty."

"OK. Noted, thanks. You may or may not know that public opinion of me is that I'm dangerous but that I still care about this country. I suspect people will remember that I nearly killed them." Her voice somehow doesn't trip over her words but her hands are clenched under the table. "Moving on to your second concern – you're worried that, in general, people won't see me as different to them? Or that they won't venerate me?"

"Majesty, I'm saying they won't respect you."

"Fine. Why?"

"Why?"

"Why would they not respect a ruler who is willing to come to them, to talk to and with them, and to help feed them?"

"Because they won't see you as being different from them."

"My lord, do you respect everyone in this room?"

"What? Yes, of course I-"

"Then why would the people in the docks be different? Why wouldn't they respect other people, even people who are their equals or superiors? Why would they view me as worse if I actually speak to them?"

He's glaring at her now.

"Moving on," she says, "to point three. That they might make demands of me – should I not listen to people with questions for me? Why should I listen to you and let you tell me what you think I should do but not them, my lord?"

"Because I … I know what I'm talking about, Majesty."

She just gives him a flat look. "Acknowledged, my lord." After a few seconds, she says, "I appreciate that I need respect and power in order to effectively lead but I don't agree that volunteering at a soup kitchen every so often and speaking to people in my capacity as ruler will prevent this. Does anyone else have any objections?"

A few nobles frown but nobody says anything. She carries on the meeting as normal. At the end, as she often does, she lets the nobles leave first so that she can gather her papers together. After about a minute, she becomes aware of someone standing next to her, and she turns, expecting Earl Arnesen.

Marquess Elbert looks down at her, his expression unreadable. For some reason, she feels a little like a chastened child, though she doesn't know why. Maybe it's because he was one of her father's closest advisers. Maybe it's because he so often acts as mediator in these meetings and what she did to Earl Voolf-

"You were very firm with Carsten, Majesty."

She forces herself to maintain eye contact as she says, "I gave him the opportunity to defend himself, my lord. I have no interest in preventing him from speaking, but I have no interest in following his every whim either."

He studies her for a few seconds before saying, "I didn't accuse you of anything, Majesty. Do you think you need to justify your behaviour?"

She nearly retorts that it is _this_ type of conversation that the earl seems worried about people in the docks having with her – where they challenge her and speak to her as though they have the right to question her. But then, isn't that what she _wants_ people to do?

Has she always been this defensive?

"Everyone needs to justify their behaviour, if only to themselves, my lord," she says slowly. "If I can't justify what I do, how can I do it?"

A slight smile appears on his face. "Indeed, Majesty." He holds his hand out. Uncertainly, Elsa takes it and he helps her stand, even though she's perfectly capable of doing it herself. Sometimes, court manners baffle her. "Do you intend to keep Carsten on this council?"

"Yes."

"But you disagree with him over everything."

"And if everyone agreed with me, how would I know I've taken everything into account? I don't like him, my lord, but he raises some valid points. He lets me know what limits I have in respect of people like him. He reminds me that not everything I want to do will be accepted by everyone."

He nods. "You really are your father's daughter." Although she doesn't say anything, he seems to be able to tell some of what she is thinking because he says, "Your father made some terrible mistakes, Majesty, but it doesn't mean everything he did was bad. He wasn't a bad man."

"He wasn't necessarily a good one either." She can't keep a trace of bitterness from her tone – the memory of her conversation with Anna after she revealed herself to the volunteers is too raw.

"Is anybody, Majesty? I rather think we're all just people."

She starts to nod but then thinks of her sister, who ran onto the fjord to sacrifice her life for Elsa's; Rik, who tried to mug her but ended up hugging her and starting a soup kitchen; Kristoff, who went out of his way to save Anna; Gerda, who brought up Anna as best she could; Borni, who quietly counsels every person she meets despite the rigours of her own life; Earl Oddfrid Arnesen, who donates to the Soup Kitchen because _you don't need a reason to help people_ ; Viscount Semund, who came to her because he knew she would do the right thing. All of the people she's met who _could_ have done the wrong thing but didn't.

Even her parents, who broke her into pieces, because they loved her and wanted to protect her. Who _did_ do the wrong thing but for the right reason. She can be angry at them, and want to be different from them, and even think they weren't always good people, but she doesn't know that she can ever hate them, even if she wants to.

"I think," she says slowly, "that if that's the case, then most people are pre-disposed to be good. Even Carsten was concerned for me, in his own way."

"That's a remarkable amount of faith you've placed in the human race, Majesty."

"If I didn't have faith in people, my lord," she says, "then I'd live my life in distrust and fear." She smiles. "I won't be doing that anymore."

He considers her for a few seconds before smiling.

"Good," he says.

51) Barrier

She returns to the Soup Kitchen a few times in the following weeks, as she argues with Carsten and the other nobles about what the rent control law should do. Anna comes with her once or twice but mostly, she goes alone.

Despite Earl Voolf's worry, most people at the Soup Kitchen are very aware that she is the Queen, and she finds it hard to simply make conversation. It frustrates her for the first couple of visits until Tove reminds her that she was almost as shy when she was Elle and first arrived at the Soup Kitchen – but people saw her as one of them then (much as she hates for there to be sides in this at all) and were willing to start the conversations for her. Which means, she realises, that the main difference is that the burden of proof has shifted: they view her as different so _she_ needs to prove that she is as normal as Elle was. _She_ needs to prove she won't kill them.

She might know that rationally but she still doesn't manage a full conversation until the end of her third visit.

But, when she does do it, she realises she _can_.

Her realisations probably mean something profound but she's damned if she knows what.

Her time with the volunteers is also subtly different. They are still friendly and chatty but she notes they're a little more guarded, a little more careful not to criticise royal policy when she's nearby. They still do because Rik proves she won't mind by starting a debate about one of her recent policies, but she knows they will never be fully open with her again.

But after having her full conversation on the third visit, she wonders if, like her shyness, this lack of openness is something that isn't unique to being the Queen. After all, she was never fully open with them as Elle. And she can tell that each of them has secrets and fears that they hide from each other, in the same way that she can see how hard Rik works to appear whole. There was always a barrier between them when she was Elle – the barrier is simply different now that she isn't.

And even if that isn't the case, maybe it's OK anyway – because they're still there for her, still accepting of her, still a little like family.

Rik is an entirely different story. With Rik, any change isn't born from differences between the Queen and Elle – it's from discovering new things. It's with Rik that she thinks she's learning the most about who _she_ is. Because there are times when she is bold and adventurous, making conversation she'd never have made before, touching and kissing in ways that she would never have _dared_ to do before. There are times when the Rik she saw when they made this plan shines through and she holds and comforts the thief in a way that she would never have trusted herself to do before. And then there are times where the opposite occurs – her new-found boldness with her body and Rik's body disappears and she steps away, terrified and ashamed, numb to Rik's _it's fine_ and blinking rapidly as she shakes; she holds herself back when she speaks, scared to say the wrong thing; she feels lost and overwhelmed and it's Rik who has to search for her.

They're sitting together in Rik's office in the warehouse when Rik says, "D'you still have bad days?"

She's talked about her bad days before to Rik, once or twice, though never in as much detail as she has with Anna. She doesn't know if that inability to go into that much detail, even now, is a good or bad thing. Maybe it's neither. Maybe it just is.

"Yes," she says. "But less often." She looks down at their hands, enjoying the sight of dark and pale skin entwined. "You?"

"Yep." Rik's head droops onto her shoulder. She doesn't kiss it, like Rik would if it were the other way round – she's still trying to work out what is acceptable and what isn't. "Does Anna get 'em?"

"Not the way I do. She has bad dreams though but she doesn't like to talk about them. And she's scared of the dark now. She's never _said_ it but she always keeps her door slightly open, and she never closes her curtains. And once, some torches blew out and the room was completely dark – she held my hand so tightly, it actually bruised." She keeps looking at their hands. "Kai said she wasn't like that before."

"Your sister doesn't seem to be scared of anything."

"I sometimes think my sister hides as much of herself from others as I do." Quietly, she adds, "I hate that that's my fault."

"Elsa-"

"Anna would never say it but it's true. My parents ignored her to focus on me and I ignored her, so she acted out to get attention. Fine, a lot of that was my parents. But _I_ maintained the status quo and I froze her. _I_ made her run after me."

Rik shifts away to look at her, green eyes serious now. "D'you still blame yourself for freezing everything then? 'Cause I heard you talk about it a few times."

"Well, I … I did do it, didn't I? I accept that I need to move on from it but there's nothing anyone can say or do that won't convince me that I didn't nearly kill a whole country. I mean, it happened – how can I run away from that?"

Rik studies her for a few seconds.

"Hey, lady?"

"Hmm?"

"Anyone ever tell you that you're crazy?"

"With alarming frequency. I _think_ they're joking though."

Rik just laughs, hugs her, and says, "Wasn't all that long ago that being told that made you shut down, was it?"

She wonders when that changed.

0(xiii)) Value

They face each other, neither of them so much as glancing away.

"You want me to consent to this, Majesty?"

"You're the only member of this council who hasn't, my lord. The legislation has been amended several times over the past few months."

"And that's a reason for me to sign?"

"No, but I have enough approval that I _will_ be passing this law in the form now presented to you. We've modified it as far as we can in line with concerns raised by _all_ members of this council. It grants substantial freedoms to landlords and provides subsidies to them. You are the only person who has opposed this in _any_ of its forms."

He meets her gaze resolutely. "Majesty, your honest opinion if you will – you _know_ I'm against this rent control law. Maybe you're right and we should do more for people in the docks – that shouldn't be through curbing investment and bringing in stringent market regulation. If we suppress rent, landlords are less likely to care for their properties or even rent them out – that helps nobody and only worsens the situation. People should be encouraged to earn their way out and not rely on handouts." As Earl Arnesen opens his mouth, he adds, "You're going to pass this law anyway. Do you value my vote or my opinion more, Majesty?"

"Your opinion, my lord."

"Then I refuse to sign, Majesty."

She nods, expression neutral. "The law is passed in its current form, nine council votes to one."

She sees Earl Arnesen and some of the other nobles grin and clap – possibly more because of the tortuous process of getting to this point than anything. A few of the more conservative nobles look resigned as she hands the draft to a scribe.

At the end of the meeting, as she packs up her papers, Earl Voolf approaches her. Marquess Elbert wavers but she waves him out of the room.

"My lord?"

He considers her carefully. "You said you valued my opinion more than my vote, Majesty." She nods slowly, wondering what his problem is _now_. "Out of interest, what would you have done were I the tie-breaker vote?"

"I doubt _you_ would have been the tie-breaker, my lord. I'd have had to convince someone else."

He smiles at that, which surprises her. "Good point. But hypothetically, what would you have done?"

She's about to say the obvious – not gone through with it – when she realises that that wouldn't have been enough. Would she have been able to go back to the Soup Kitchen and look people in the eye after letting six rich men tell her she couldn't pass a law intended to help them?

But she's always said that she doesn't want to impose her will on people. She wants them to be heard. Otherwise how is she different from before?

And maybe this is exactly the dilemma she's had since the Thaw – the Queen would have forced that law through because she had the power and that was what she always did; Elle would have listened because she was powerless and open to all arguments. But neither option would have been the right one. Not for her.

"I said I valued your opinion over your vote," she says, "but that's not true. I gave you a vote and I value your opinion _through_ your vote. I wouldn't have passed the law. But," she says, holding a hand up to stop Earl Voolf from speaking, "I wouldn't have dropped the subject either. I would have looked into the matter more, gathered more evidence, heard more voices, and only given up if I was convinced it was the wrong thing to do."

"Even though a majority of us would have said it was?"

"A majority of ten nobles sitting on my council, my lord. That's hardly representative of the country."

"So you, what, want the whole country to vote on everything you do? Have everyone in Arendelle sit here and discuss commas and conjunctions?"

"I want to know that I've _spoken_ to as much of the country as I can, my lord. In this case, I've spoken to the council and I've spoken to the people in the docks. I didn't speak to many people between the two layers – I would have spoken to them next. But _I_ would have weighed everything up and made the final decision."

He seems to think about this. "So, this is to be your campaign, Majesty? To be a hero of thieves and beggars?"

"I am as responsible for the thieves and beggars as I am for the nobles. I can't take sides, my lord."

"Haven't you already?"

"I don't believe so. At first I thought most of you were against me but, actually, only you, Veljor and Narve were completely opposed to the idea in its entirety. Achim, Styrme and Filemon were against the idea as I envisioned it but said they'd consider an alternative proposal. Giermund thought the idea itself was fine but my method wasn't. I think, had I concluded that actually, yes, most of you _were_ against it, I'd have reconsidered. But you weren't."

He nods, studying her carefully. "Well, Majesty, I can't say I agree with your position. At all. But you know what you want to do and how you want to do it. I can respect that." A smile tugs at his lips. "It's been tough for you, hasn't it, this past year and a half or so?" When she gapes at him, he says, "There are some people out there who expected you to come out of the events of last summer as a ready-made queen. But something like that? It breaks you and you have to force yourself back together, in one way or another. I'll confess to thinking you – as a woman, and being the way you are – would never manage it. But I was wrong, I'll admit that now. You pieced yourself together quicker than most men I know would have done."

"My lord, I … I don't…"

"With me, on this topic, you can be honest, Majesty: I don't view it as weakness. I may not have done an honest day's work by your standards but that doesn't mean I don't know what it is to suffer."

For a second, they look at each other. He's always worn his feelings plain on his face before and now…

Maybe a bigot does have as much in common with her as a Queen does with a thief.

Quietly, she says, "I'm still piecing myself together, my lord. I don't know that I'll ever stop."

"With all due respect, Majesty, I think you've mixed up changing and piecing yourself together. You'll never stop changing, Majesty, because the man who doesn't change is the man who dooms himself." Ironic, for a noble who's so conservative, she thinks, but from the look in his eyes, she suspects he knows that. "But that's not the same as needing to piece yourself together. You can change without ever falling apart."

"You're not about to say you've been testing me, are you?"

He actually laughs at that. "No, Majesty. I disagree strongly with your position as you well know. What I _am_ saying is that I respect how you made your decision, and how you've dealt with what happened. And I'm not a man who gives respect out easily."

She thinks of all of the long, painful meetings she's had with him and says, "I can believe that."

"I'm not looking for pity either. People like us never want pity." His smile is bitter then. He bows. "By your leave, Majesty."

"You may go. And my lord?" He looks up. She smiles – maybe the first honest smile she's ever given him. "Thank you. For noticing. And for not compromising anyway."

52) Proud

There's a knocking on her door. She expects Anna, despite the unfamiliarity of the pattern – who else would it be? – but when she opens the door, it's Gerda who's standing there.

"Hello?"

"I _thought_ you were in here. Why?"

"Um…" Elsa looks at the book on her bed.

"Didn't your law get announced today?"

"Yes, but I don't see why that means I can't have a night in."

"Won't your friends want to celebrate with you?"

There's a part of her that loves how familiar Gerda now is when she talks to her. Gerda isn't, and will never be, her mother, but she's definitely something.

The old Elsa would never have let her be this something. But nor would the Queen or Elle.

Maybe Earl Voolf is right. Maybe there is something of _her_ there, pieced together from the fragments of before and the fragments of after, even if she can't quite see the full picture.

"My … friends?"

"The ones in the city?"

"I don't know that I know the people in the Soup Kitchen _that_ well."

Gerda gives her a hard look. "So where _were_ you sneaking off to if not the city?"

"What?"

"You sneaked out of the servant's entrance one to three times a week for nearly a year now – and then stopped when you started volunteering at the Soup Kitchen."

"You _knew_ that was me?"

"Of course I knew, Majesty. I _know_ how many servants we have in this castle. Who do you think's been covering for you when people have been looking?"

"But you never said!"

But even as she says it, she remembers a conversation from nearly half a year ago, where Gerda told her about the state of the servants' entrance. _Obviously_ , Gerda knew. She feels stupid for not realising before now.

Gerda knew and didn't tell anyone.

"I was going to," Gerda says, oblivious to Elsa's realisation, "but then I started noticing that you walked with a spring in your step more often, you were more confident, happier. So I left it." She gives a squeak of surprise when Elsa hugs her. "So," she says again, "why aren't you out there?"

"I wanted this law passed but it's just the start. And … if I go down there today, people might start cheering me, or thinking that I _want_ them to cheer and thank me. That's not why I did it. So I'll wait a few days and then go."

"You don't want people to thank you for fighting for them? To show their appreciation for it?"

She smiles wryly. "It's a funny thing. My parents were never critical of me but I was so convinced I was a failure that I find it hard to take a compliment. No matter what good thing someone says about me, I always find a reason to convince myself it isn't true. So maybe what I really want is to be _sure_ that they're thanking me _because_ they appreciate it."

"That makes sense." She looks at Elsa. "I know you don't want to hear it but your parents would be so proud of the way you've grown, Majesty. They really would."

There are a lot of things she could say to that but, for once, she just says, "Thank you."

54) Appreciation

When she enters the Soup Kitchen, people stop and stare. Then old Niko comes up to shake her hand and it starts a deluge of people shouting out to her, shaking her hand, clasping her shoulder. It's a bit over the top because the law is only half of what she initially envisioned. But she knows, from what they say, that it's not the content of the law that they are cheering but what that law means. Her intentions – already the subject of great discussion over the past year – are definite now.

The volunteers are, conversely, more subdued and she thinks it's because _this_ , if nothing else, reminds them that she is someone with power rather than an eccentric young woman. Even Prosper is oddly quiet around her. But it is Udmund – quiet, nervous Udmund – who comes up to her and hugs her, and it is that act which breaks the ice.

And finally, she is alone with Rik, who holds her hand with surprisingly slender fingers and kisses her with lips that are cut by that awful scar, and who simply whispers, "Thank you. For the dress. And for everything after."

55) Tragic

"So everyone loves you," Anna comments. "In case you're wondering. Except some landlords and nobles. They think the ice froze your brain."

"They might be right," Elsa says, but she smiles.

"You can't please everyone, sis."

"I know."

Anna pauses. "This isn't the end, is it? I feel like everything has been building up to this but … it hasn't, really."

"It would be a bit tragic if the most exciting part of my life ended here, wouldn't it? If _rent control_ was my great achievement."

Anna laughs and hugs her.

57) Clothes

She is about three-quarters of the way up the North Mountain when she sees him sitting on the slope, looking out over the city, giant hands planted firmly in the ground beside him. She heads towards him.

"Going to Arendelle?" she asks as she approaches. Now that she's closer, she can see a cloak hanging off one of his spikes. It flutters slightly in the wind.

He shrugs. "One day. Not today. Today, I look."

He's more talkative than he used to be, she thinks.

"Still scared?"

"A little." He pauses. "If Anna came … it would … I would…"

"You want to prove you wouldn't hurt her?"

"And Kristoff."

"I'll ask them to come up one day next week. I'm sure they'd love to meet you if you promise not to throw them off a mountain again."

"Thank you."

She smiles. "I can bring Rik one day too, if you want. So you can meet someone new. Though that might take longer. It's a long story."

"I can wait." He turns his head towards her and she can see a smile there too. It wasn't that long ago that he would have shouted if she mentioned his temper. "Arendelle isn't going anywhere."

For a few seconds, they sit there, enjoying the dying winter sunshine.

"Do you like the cloak, Marshmallow?" She turns to look at it. "I notice you're wearing it."

He nods but then pauses. "Do you like it?"

"It doesn't matter," she says. "It only matters if _you_ like it. But, for the record, I do. It suits you."

"Thank you." He is quiet but she can feel his eyes on her. Then: "I like how you look." His mouth shifts into a bigger smile. "Look happier. Look good. You look like it more often these days."

There are a lot of things she could say to that, and a lot of things that immediately rise to the surface. Because despite what Anna, Rik, Gerda or even Earl Voolf, say, she still doesn't feel like she _knows_ who Elsa is. She hasn't yet had a day where she hasn't wondered if she's acting like Elle, the Queen, the old Elsa, or someone else entirely. She just gets through each day trying to do what feels the best. She doesn't know if that's the right thing to do.

But, as Earl Voolf suggested, she is beginning to feel as though there _is_ someone there, underneath all of Elsa and the Queen and Elle and Anna's sister and Agdar's daughter and a recluse and a party host and all the other guises she wears. As though, when she's alone in her room and there is no need for outfits, she can see patches of _her_ there – of someone who froze an entire kingdom, and who is still trying to apologise for it; of someone who has bad days, and fights through them; of someone who hesitates to touch anyone, but kissed an ex-thief in a small room in the docks; of someone who worries about saying or doing anything out of line, but concocted convoluted plans so that she could help out at a soup kitchen without getting any of the credit.

She looks at those patches, in the dark of the night, or in the moments between meetings, and more and more, she thinks she likes how they're shaped. They're not perfect. They're not complete. They're not ready or even all that comfortable. But they're _something_.

So she turns to Marshmallow and she doesn't contradict him or explain anything or question him. Instead, she just hugs his arm.

"Thank you," she says.

He just smiles at her and wraps the arm around her, in his own version of a hug.

"Any time."

 _ **Fin**_


End file.
